EX-ROOMMATE

I was really debating if I should write about this or not. But, the Holy Sprit impressed it on my heart through out the day to do so and I kept saying, “nah.” But, I guess I will now, as He will not leave me alone!

I have no clue who this will benefit. Maybe just me. Maybe I just need to see it in writing along to actually experiencing the interaction today.

Anyway, to the topic. Ex-roommate. Yes, I have had many. One being really horrid and mind controlling (another day for that story). This is not the one though.

The particular ex-roommate I am talking about is about two years younger than I. We did many things together, had the same friends etc. I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding at the church I attend. A lot of history. What I thought was a friendship then was nothing but a major co-dependency struggle for me. I could not in my own sickness of severe co-dependency and insecurity have a meaningful conversation, let alone a meaningful friendship. I destroyed the friendship. I could not be a friend. I was scared to be a friend. Even though I tried to suck the life out of her for my own needs to feel secure, she is strong in character and did the one thing that cuts me to the core, “ignored me.” Did not talk to me for weeks. Here we were living under the same roof, would pass each other in the hall and she would not look at me. I could not eat, could not function at work, was constantly ill to my stomach. I could not understand for the life of me, ‘what did I do wrong??” And at the same time I WAS SCARED TO DEATH TO ASK HER WHAT WAS WRONG, for fear she would tell me. She was one that also had trouble expressing herself and would show her displeasure by giving me the silent treatment. So many irrational things went through my mind, even killing myself. Extreme, but true. It got so bad one day, I was ready to move out. Funny thing was, it was my house that I was planning on moving out of as I could not take the rejection. Finally it got so bad, that I just broke down one morning and approached her and said what is wrong? She finally told me and we resolved “that” issue and being the sick co-dependent person, I adjusted my co-dependency skills not to repeat that episode ever again. Although, there were plenty other ones down the line waiting once again. I was very hard to live with and deal with.

Okay......I set the stage for today.....

I knew well in advance she would be in town and that I would be seeing her today at church, which I did with her children. It is amazing how you have not seen someone close to ten years and you can pick up right where you left off, surface babble and all. But, hey that is what she chooses, so I respect that. So, I guess the whole point of this post is to bring to light that I did not worry about seeing her (was in prayer for the past couple of weeks) and what she would think of me. At this point, so much time had passed I really did not care. While talking surface babble with her today, I felt pretty confident in who I was, where normally, when someone knows me or remembers me how I used to be, that would make me very uncomfortable. It did not. I probably would have floored her if we had more time to chat with the “realness” of me now.

So, in conclusion, I know I have improved and matured. I have a better grip on respecting and being sensitive to other people’s needs. I am presently on a steady, somewhat turbulent and painful path which will eventually lead me to my ultimate goal to freedom! And I am getting used to being the “real” me.