"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

EX-ROOMMATE


I was really debating if I should write about this or not. But, the Holy Sprit impressed it on my heart through out the day to do so and I kept saying, “nah.” But, I guess I will now, as He will not leave me alone!

I have no clue who this will benefit. Maybe just me. Maybe I just need to see it in writing along to actually experiencing the interaction today.

Anyway, to the topic. Ex-roommate. Yes, I have had many. One being really horrid and mind controlling (another day for that story). This is not the one though.

The particular ex-roommate I am talking about is about two years younger than I. We did many things together, had the same friends etc. I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding at the church I attend. A lot of history. What I thought was a friendship then was nothing but a major co-dependency struggle for me. I could not in my own sickness of severe co-dependency and insecurity have a meaningful conversation, let alone a meaningful friendship. I destroyed the friendship. I could not be a friend. I was scared to be a friend. Even though I tried to suck the life out of her for my own needs to feel secure, she is strong in character and did the one thing that cuts me to the core, “ignored me.” Did not talk to me for weeks. Here we were living under the same roof, would pass each other in the hall and she would not look at me. I could not eat, could not function at work, was constantly ill to my stomach. I could not understand for the life of me, ‘what did I do wrong??” And at the same time I WAS SCARED TO DEATH TO ASK HER WHAT WAS WRONG, for fear she would tell me. She was one that also had trouble expressing herself and would show her displeasure by giving me the silent treatment. So many irrational things went through my mind, even killing myself. Extreme, but true. It got so bad one day, I was ready to move out. Funny thing was, it was my house that I was planning on moving out of as I could not take the rejection. Finally it got so bad, that I just broke down one morning and approached her and said what is wrong? She finally told me and we resolved “that” issue and being the sick co-dependent person, I adjusted my co-dependency skills not to repeat that episode ever again. Although, there were plenty other ones down the line waiting once again. I was very hard to live with and deal with.

Okay......I set the stage for today.....

I knew well in advance she would be in town and that I would be seeing her today at church, which I did with her children. It is amazing how you have not seen someone close to ten years and you can pick up right where you left off, surface babble and all. But, hey that is what she chooses, so I respect that. So, I guess the whole point of this post is to bring to light that I did not worry about seeing her (was in prayer for the past couple of weeks) and what she would think of me. At this point, so much time had passed I really did not care. While talking surface babble with her today, I felt pretty confident in who I was, where normally, when someone knows me or remembers me how I used to be, that would make me very uncomfortable. It did not. I probably would have floored her if we had more time to chat with the “realness” of me now.

So, in conclusion, I know I have improved and matured. I have a better grip on respecting and being sensitive to other people’s needs. I am presently on a steady, somewhat turbulent and painful path which will eventually lead me to my ultimate goal to freedom! And I am getting used to being the “real” me.

35 comments:

  1. Oh gosh, I know what you mean. My HS reunion is this fall and I'm not going because those people only know the old me, who was not the real me, but a very very fake version of me. I'm nothing like that person I used to be.

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  2. Don't worry. True friends never leave. The ones who leave... Can they be called friends? The eternal bonds link us to our friends everywhere, even if life leads us to different paths.

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  3. What a wonderful opportunity for you to see how much you have grown. Beautiful. God is good.

    PG

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  4. Great post...you may find an ebb and flow in this even years later often if your too tired hungry or lonely...I found myself here do to a medication not working well due to physical changes. Me the one who knows who I am. The one with the many many years of recovery. Freedom is a wonderful challenging process. One that will be challenged. I think a lack of support is also one thing that can make us vulnerable. Having a stress disorder (yes God has healed me in many many many ways even it it) has been a real trouble spot. It is in the accepting of this is who I am and how I am (yes there may well be more healing) without the support it can cause me to lose focus. Girl some battles can just ware ya down. Rest is my friend today.

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  5. I hate that roommate phase of life. It's one trauma after another. I think that very few friendships last a lifetime. Sounds like God taught you some good things through this relationship. I sense you're a wonderful woman. My prayer is that you will walk in that today. Your blog is a blessing.

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  6. Great post! I too used to be co-dependent and it's amazing that when you are forced to deal with things completely on your own with help from no one but yourself, how much you learn how strong you were to begin with but lived in the lies that the enemy sold you were the absolute truths! We are not ordinary every day people but extraordinary works of art, each and every one of us a masterpiece hand made and one of a kind!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  7. It sounds like you handled everything with grace.

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  8. NeVer really had a problem with codependency. Your post shares teh hard work you put into making things right.

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  9. Awesome...look how far you have come in ten years. GOD indeed will use this post in others lives.
    Blessings and prayers, andrea

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  10. Can see your progress even starting with letting the Spirit make you share this. You just never know who will be touched and be encouraged by your great, honest posts. Praying for the Lord's continued guidance. God bless.

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  11. love that you have grown, are freer and also honest enough to say the truth of what you were like. I think you're pretty awesome. Sarah

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  12. What is difficult for me is when you ARE mature enough or brave enough to ask someone why they feel the way they do about something & they respond with a very condescending, "I don't have to explain myself to anyone". Now that sucks. All I could do was allow myself a one week mourning period of a 5 year friendship and move on. I couldn't believe how cold this person was and how pensive she was. Very difficult to please, always had an opinion about everything even when you did want one, had to have the last word... OMGOSH it was draining me and I didn't even know it. I had already pulled away 2 weeks prior and when it came to head I told her why as politely as I could. She was just way to controlling. I need to be me no matter what the cost. People will either accept me or move on and find someone they can accept. I worked too hard to "get real" and i'm not faking it for anyone.

    Good for you, big step and you handled it well.

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  13. Hey
    Tht is good to hear, you have come far and are doing better all the time. Please forgive my absent from leaving comments as I have not had much free time with things being as they are. I hope you are well.
    Hugs

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  14. Just thought I'd tell you that your blog inspires me and brings me comfort. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I admire your ability to be real.

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  15. This just proves my conviction that without community, roommates, and, or each other, we can never mature. I just wish God had another way of making us mature..but hey, 'thy will, not mine be done.'

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  16. I have many ex-roomate stories so I know where you are coming from. I agree with many others that have commented...you handled it well, with maturity and a presence of mind that I seem to lack....most of the time.
    Thank you for sharing this experience.

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  17. I also wish there were an "easier, softer way"...but there ain't!

    Every time I mature a little bit, I have to mark the spot, because invariably I'll slip backwards before the day ends.

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  18. I hate to be ignored, too. Can't stand it!

    Sometimes it's such a good thing to have the curtain of memory rolled back, in your case talking to an old roomie, and seeing just how far you've come. This is such a positive post.

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  19. Wonderful post and wonderful growth.
    I went to a party a couple weeks ago because my husband wanted to go. It was a lot of people I hadn't seen in a couple years. As soon as I agreed to go I started looking at myself differently. I don't wear contacts anymore, and now they would see me with my glasses. I stopped getting my nails done, because it's easier to type with them short. I stopped coloring my hair, and have tried to embrace the changes in my body as normal and natural this year, since I turned 50.
    The thing is I was FINE with me until I agreed to go to the party and as soon as I thought about being around those people, I judged myself harshly.
    I realized something important.
    All those years that we hung out with those people, I thought there was something wrong with me because they all seemed to have a good time at those parties.
    this year I realized that it isn't me that has the problem. I'm fine! I don't want to go somewhere and listen to people talk about their investments, their botox, their golf scores... I don't care about that stuff and I never did!
    I'm much happier being me and if they don't like it, I truly don't care.

    I'm glad you are seeing that you are okay, too.

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  20. What a treat to read this. In a good way JBR. Your honesty never ceases to amaze me. You’re unbelivable!

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  21. Life has so many little surprises. Friends, aquanintences we thought never could effect us later in life. There you have it. A reason for a season. Thanks for your blog.

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  22. Definitely a Happy Dance, Celebration Moment kind of DAY JBR.
    So very glad that you decided to share your Victory with us.
    Hugs.

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  23. Thank you so much for posting this JBR. In my former roommate situation that I finally had enough of and moved out of back in Feb, I think I was your ex-roommate. My ex-roommate and I definitely each had our own issues. I think this is why it was so much harder for me to handle her co-dependency issues. Things got so bad between us after about 9 months that I did move it (It was her house we were living in).
    I say thank you for posting this, because I don't want to stop being her friend, but for now I still cringe when I see her b/c I'm afraid she's going to want something or need to tell me her latest "crisis". It is so encouraging for me to hear how with God's help you are claiming your own life. I hope I am able to do my ex-roommate the justice of showing me the changes God is making in her and vice versa and one day maybe we can have a healty relationship. Thanks again for posting! It was really great to read this from the other perspective from someone I respect.

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  24. Such a fantastic post.

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  25. oh, how familiar this sounds. i've often in the past rather not asked, in fear of hearing the answer. and if you have the answer, you'd have to do something about it. so... much easier to than facing it and doing something about it. but, fortunately, at some stage we all do realise that this is just counter-productive. and that addressing things as and when they happen, are much easier in the long run. love and hugs!!!

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  26. JBR, great way to see how much you have grown. In retrospective, pain and all, when u realize the growth in yourself it was worth every tear. Sorry sounds like comparison it isnt meant that way. It is just so gratifying to experience the growth. Particularly as I chew on this issue lately AGAIN.

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  27. AnonymousJuly 27, 2009

    You blew my socks off! And this is probably a small portion of your story. I can learn from your honesty. Thank you once again.

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  28. I see a heart pouring out so much truth. You've such a refreshing spirit. YOu may not know the others you've touched here who do not comment. Only god knows. God Bless.

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  29. stuck-in-the-middleJuly 27, 2009

    JBR your wonderful. The proof is in the pudding they say.

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  30. Wow. Once again you all proved me wrong. By the amount of response and how so many of you could relate, this post was truly not just for me.

    As one commentor said, "...probably a small portion of your story." Yes, it is. This one incident alone I shared which lasted a few weeks had so many ramifications, that I could not even express here.

    Again, thank you and I hope that this post helped some of you to press on!

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  31. This was a great post JBR. It brought to mind all the problems I've experienced in past relationships and how I've tried to mend issues within myself.

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  32. First off, thanks for stopping by my site and signing on! I love to meet new people.
    You have a wonderful blog and a I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. I believe we all go through some type of insecurity at some point in our lives. I know exactly where you are coming from. I was really bad as well with insecurities and being co-dependent until a friend made me realize what I was doing. Then coming to the Lord opened up a whole new world.
    I've been learning that we just need to place our troubles and worries in the Lord's hands and He will take care of us. Just keep holding onto faith and praying. He will send you your trials, but always remember it's to make us stronger and to bring us closer to Him. Good post!
    God Bless

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  33. Your very honest story shows that people do come into our lives for a reason - whether it seems good or bad at the time.

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  34. Thank you for posting this JBR! You are an inspiration to those of us that still battle with codependency. I didn't even realize my fear of asking was a symptom but that now makes a lot of sense. Take care! *hugs*

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  35. Amazing post, JBR! I don't know HOW many of my posts could start with, "I was really debating if I should write about this or not. But, the Holy Sprit impressed it on my heart through out the day to do so and I kept saying, “nah.” But, I guess I will now, as He will not leave me alone!"

    Thank you for giving in to the Spirit. Powerful stuff, and it really spoke to me. Don't know why, but 27-28 & 37-38 were much harder years for me than 30 or 40. Scratch that. I know why. High school reunions....

    So, what you say we put on some happy music and dance for Joy about this MAJOR victory?! (Oh, but if you suggest Kenny G or Michael Bolton, I'm unsubscribing from your blog.)

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