"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, July 25, 2009


I can remember at times my father stating that ‘children should be seen and not heard.’ At the time I was too young to understand those cutting words. I was more than likely hurting or wanting to share something at the moment that those words came from his lips. As a child all I could do was fear the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes to get me to shut down.

I do not have many recollections of my father and I spending time together. He was lost in his own world of alcoholism, porn and busyness. It seemed that it was always an effort for him to be comfortable with me, which in turn made me feel uncomfortable and withdrawn.

“Many of our problems are rooted in our low self-esteem. Perhaps we were never listened to as children. Or maybe we were abused by people who had authority over us. Whatever the roots of our problems, we are now probably overly sensitive to the attacks of others. We see here (Psalm 8:3-9) that God has made us to be fantastic beings with great honor and authority. We should never sell ourselves short. Self-esteem should be based on what God thinks of us-not what others say about us." (The Life Recovery Bible)

What has been a life-time of depending on what others think of me to feel accepted in this world, should in reality be all what God thinks of me! My strength and self-worth come from Him. I know it will take time to re-adjust my thinking process and my belief pattern that my Heavenly Father is in no way like my earthly father. Even though I cannot really grasp now what love or even what God’s unconditional love is, I go on faith that He does give it, not only to me, but to every one.


  1. AnonymousJuly 25, 2009

    My father was the same, minus the pornography. He was a drunk. Did'nt pay attention to his kids. I felt his anger. I have worked through many areas of hurt in my life, but the sting of being ignored still haunts me at times. To know God's love helps with replacing my anger and the pain I feel. I pray it will do the same for you.
    Your blog is so very real. Iknow I've said it before, but it's true. Thank you. God Bless.

  2. AnonymousJuly 25, 2009

    JBR, this was (is?) a huge thing for me to overcome. I used to be so insecure and have such low self-esteem. I've been in counseling for 9 years and it's taught me so much, one main thing being that I am what matters, and what I think about myself is what matters, not what others think.

  3. My mother always told everyone I was evil, add in an absentee father, then fast forward a few years to an abusive stepfather. I was as insecure as they come. I had to live with my growing deafness as well...

    When my world went silent and I had nothing left of me, but to turn inward...I found myself. (Hugs)Indigo

  4. I heard that as well,lucky for me I'm did not grow up in a physically abusive family,mentaly well that is a horse of a different color.

  5. Thank you everyone for responding. A lot of you share similiar pain. I am so very sorry for the painful upbringing you had.

    Indigo, I cannot imagine what your life was like, I am so very sorry! Mike the mental emotional pain you must have endured is nothing to sneeze at either. YaYa your accomplishments to be a stronger individual is so very encouraging! You seem to be a very vibrant individual, but I can just imagine how you used to be compared to now. Thanks for sharing. Onthewaynow, appreciate you sharing and sorry that your childhood had similiarities, but glad that God's love has helped you along.

  6. For me it's a bit weird. From the moment God touched me, delivered me from shooting dope for 14 years, in a hospital emergency, under oxygen - I have always felt safe with Him and trusted Him. Trusting people and even myself was different. I totally believed I had no right to exist. God's love makes the difference for me. Sarah

  7. Well JBR, I DO remember the countless times my father Shouted me out in front of others: "Du bist ein dumber esel"--that's what it sounded like, it meant I was a dumb jackass. (I was oldest of four)...later and for many years the phrase was changed to "funfsi hunnert dumber esels" which meant FIVE HUNDRED jackasses!

    I guess I still resent it, because I remember it.

    Do I 'thank you' for reminding me of my big resentment? -GRIN!

    Guess we ARE all alike after all, huh?
    Peace and Love.

  8. This is such a good reminder of the power of words. Lies, really. Somebody pushes you away, but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me."

  9. AnonymousJuly 25, 2009

    That was what helped me overcome so much in my life...focusing on what God thought about me and what He wanted for my life.

    Blessings to you JBR! :)

  10. I can never remember having a real conversation with my Daddy even when I was grown. It seemed he didn't think children were real people and that hurt too.

  11. Please stop by my blog for a little something just for you today!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  12. Thank you all for responding...

    Sarah, what a powerful testimony of deliverance and of trust! Thanks so much for sharing it here!

    Words, i.e. lies can indeed really kill the spirit, yes so true Madison.

    Jamey it is wonderful to read how you centered on God to help you overcome so much.

    I can feel your hurt Paula, and I am sorry that you did not have a positive father figure in your life.

    H2H, thank you kindly for the blessings!

  13. This is powerful stuff. I can relate. Even bringing over into my adulthood to my present family the unhealthy patterns I was brought up in. Thanks for showing and reminding me to be more gentle.

  14. Yes my self esteem became shaky again this yxear. I had strongly believed I had overcome all shakyness there. I remember my mother told me 2 yeras into the abuse through my stepfather that I was supposed to be an abortion. I was 9 nine. That is nothing what a stable and sound self esteem is made of.
    Yes, so many of us share similarities in our youth. Not only in your pain BUT in our recovery and healing too. In our strength and sharings. HUGS

  15. This was a common saying when I was growing up. I'm thankful I don't remember either one of my parents ever saying it and they were both always ready to listen to me. Maybe this was partly because I was an only child. Grownups so many times don't realize how hurtful little things are to children with fragile egos. I've heard so many adults say things to children that just make me cringe. Recovery isn't always easy.

  16. Charlotte, you were very fortunate to grow up in a very caring environment. Thank you for dropping by.

    Paula, what an awful thing for your mother to tell you that you were unwanted. How devastating! I am so very sorry dear one.

    DeeDee glad to see you again. Glad you could benefit from the post.


  17. Can't imagine the pain if you're not able to say the things that you want to say. I can't picture myself with a tape over my lips because that's what I was imagining as I read this post.

    But I'm glad that you found the road to recovery and by His strength, you will overcome. It's not the amount of time that it will take, it may be slow and would require a lot of patience, but at least, you're getting there. Your posts always encourage me as well. Have a great weekend JBR! God bless.

  18. The tongue can be a powerful weapon, as sharp as a two edged sword. Sorry that people have used this weapon against you sweetie. May God heal all of your wounds.

  19. Rcubes and Denise, appreciate your comments very much, thank you!! Blessings!

  20. I often struggle with the father image. I have written about it many times. Here is one post you might want to read.
    Hugs and Blessings!

  21. JBR- I feel sorry for your dad. I'm sure he was quite miserable and missed out on so much. ~rick

  22. JBR,
    These thoughts are so precious and I am honored that you would share with us.
    I know how it feels to not be able to understand our Heavenly Father's love because an earthly father did not model it. I am so very sorry for your loss.
    We have worth just because, just because we are HIS Children, and we are REAL.

  23. Praise God - I no longer hate myself.

    I now know God loves me and I have come to love myself. When that change happened, I found myself more open to loving others and having greater compassion.


  24. I'm sorry JBR missing out on vital bonding.

  25. Am i glad too that our Heavenly Father is everything that we need to just plunge into His love, grace, peace and joy! (Phew!)


  26. AnonymousJuly 26, 2009

    As the daughter of a murderer of my own mother, I severely struggled with self esteem and fitting in somewhere. If I didn't have my faith, I'm not sure i'd be here today to be honest. Between bad relationships and the bottle, i'd be lost. It's real easy to tell someone to get over something and move forward. It's a lot harder to walk in their shoes and try it. Faith is giving me self esteem & your right, even if it's between just me and God, that's just fine.

  27. Stitch-Thank you dear for sharing something so meaningful from your heart. Yes, I believe the ultimate is the relationship between God and ourselves!

    Silver, amen. Thank you for sharing!

    Strawberry, appreciate you, thanks.

    PG-to not hate yourself, that is a wonderful accomplishment! Amen, and thank you for the encouragmenet!

    Vicky, thank you for your kind remarks and concern.

    Rikkij-He had his own stuff, as we all do.

    Colleen, thank you for the link and encouragement.

    Blessings and hugs to all!

  28. It's important to love ourselves first if want other people to love us and respect us. Sometimes it's not easy, but you can't let a person influence the rest of your life in a negative way. Life is too short for that :) Stay positive

    "The Joy Of Enjoying"

  29. building healthy boundaries is very important, please take a look at my blog on July 26, 2009

  30. AnonymousJuly 26, 2009

    Many people live their lives based on the approval and acceptance of others. When you live from your true or higher self, it doesn't matter what others feel ... good or bad. Only how you feel about yourself.

    Rodrigo Lagdameo