"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

SIX YEAR OLD LIVING IN AN ADULT


Had a wonderful breakthrough today in t. Despite feeling exhausted from the intensity of the session, a light finally clicked on to why I become so very frustrated with myself to the point I have been crying out in desperation “I Hate This!” when I am trying to explain something and feel I am not conveying what I am saying intelligently. I am sure it was brought to my attention many times in t. but today, my heart finally heard it. A connection was made. A few wires re-attached.

As simple as this may sound, I am “this six year old” living in an "adult" body, trying to form adult words to what I am feeling, but having still the mentality of a six year old. And I will go just a step further. After leaving t. tonight, I can recall also this “six year old” living in an “adult" body actually feeling inside and relating to my peers feeling as a six year old, but trying to respond as an adult from a six year old's perspective.

Whew...... okay.

Now did that make sense?

Scary enough, it does now to me, and quite a burden lifted off of me, as I do now understand why I have been so very frustrated in my journey and why I behave the way I do, along with throwing my temper tantrums. Although this frustration has been with me all my life, I am just now recognizing, feeling and understanding it.

So now I can give myself a “Freaking” break! Not to be sooo hard on myself!!!!!

This is extremely scary for me to know I need to console and hang on to my inner child and let "her just be" for now in order to move on to the next step.

55 comments:

  1. It makes perfect sense to me. I have a hard time when my "child" takes over... I have come to know that there actually is an adult in there somewhere, as well, but sometimes it is very difficult to think from that adult self, feel from that adult self, or speak from that adult self.

    Just hold that little one. Hold her tight and let her know that you are there and will take care of her now the way she should have been cared for when you really were six.

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  2. Thank you Shen. Appreciate your words.

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  3. You hold on as long as you need to sweetie, bless you.

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  4. Makes perfect cense to me as well.there are times I think that as well.Only I'm a teenager.

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  5. Your post made perfect sense to me. I feel like a child living in an adult body much of the time.

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  6. AD and Mike, thank you!!

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  7. I vacillate between ages 12 and 18. Sometimes my body rebels -grin

    Age 76

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  8. P.S. I love to read you as you "get real". YEAH!

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  9. I never really feel like a functioning adult. I'm a wounded child that just wants to have fun but is rarely allowed to so I reach for comfort and overdose on it, mostly in the form of food. It is hard for me to do tasks like housework. I feel completely overwhelmed.

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  10. Lily, thanks for your honesty and I am sorry that you suffer so.

    Stevie, thank you.

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  11. Makes sense to me! I have experienced that same thing. Giving yourself a break is a wonderful and healing thing to do for yourself. Blessings and hugs.

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  12. This makes sense to me. I sure wish it didn't. That was a pretty selfish statement wasn't it? What a shame we have to spend so much of our lives crippled by childhood.

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  13. Both Colleen and Tricia, thank you for your comments!

    I am fading fast, burnt out tonight. Going to bed. I know some more of you will respond to this post, and I so appreciate your comments and apologize that I just cannot respond to everyone. But, I so much appreciate what you have to share. Thank you again!

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  14. AnonymousJuly 14, 2009

    You made perfect sense. Its awsome that you can share in such a way. Keep up the good work!

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  15. Makes perfect sense to me. I stopped developing emotionally at about age 15, or so. I completely understand. You are loved.

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  16. Congratulations on your strength and honesty in breaking through to this realisation! Well done! It definitely resonates with me, you put into words exactly how it feels to try and relate to the world when we're "under-developed" in some areas. I suppose we are all works in progress, and your progress is inspiring JBR xx

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  17. It took me a very long time to get any balance in my mind and emotions when I first got sober. I'm talking at least a couple years, maybe a little longer. In addition to AA all the time, I also had therapy - individual and then group for a long time. I did what I had to do to get better and IT WORKED! I was restored to sanity.

    No matter how long it takes, just keep doing the work. It will come. I promise. You experienced a breakthrough today - fabulous.

    Love you,
    PG

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  18. Praising GOD for your break through!!
    Blessings and prayers, andrea

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  19. being gentle with ourselves is so hard. I learned to push myself, force myself to be strong. Learning to let go, let the little inner kid be. Learned to live on edge - need to relax. Scary. Sarah

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  20. Patricia - Pat-July 14, 2009

    Dropping by from visiting another blog. I am really impressed by the depth of emotion. You have brought to light some things I have never looked at before in my own life. Need to do some soul searching from now on. I really do like your blog. Glad I came on by.

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  21. YOU REALLY HELP ME BETTER UNDERSTAND SOME OF MY FEELINGS. I HOPE FOR PEACE AND CONTINUED HEALING FOR YOU.(((((SAFE HUGS))))

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  22. You convey a lot of what other people are feeling, but are not sure how to express it. If I didn't have that "child" in me surface every now and then, I fear I would lose my sanity...Life is too short to be frowning and worrying all the time, we need to break out sometimes, a form of release from all anxiety..hugs, Roan.

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  23. this post is really inspiring!

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  24. I'm so happy for your breakthrough...it is exhausting, I know. I have that annoying 5 year old whiny crybaby - that I can't accept - and the problem is, no one else will accept her either right now. So we seem to find ourselves in constant state of arguing and screaming/crying sessions...it's hard - but someday....
    Think if you. Hoping you were able to get some much needed rest.
    ~ Grace

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  25. OK That is so strange. I just wrote an entire post on my INability to revert back to my "child-like" thinking and the pain it is causing me.

    And here your post is talking about the struggles you are having with explaining your thinking in adult terms, because your view of it is as a 6 year old. This gives me so much hope. If someone out there can do this, even though it is hard and frustrating, it means that I can too.

    Wow. The timing of your post and mine almost freaks me out a little.

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  26. I say you made some progress there JBR.

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  27. whopheeee to you. progress!!!!!

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  28. JBR- makes perfect sense to me. I have the same thing goin on. now maybe take a break from bearing yourself and see what shakes out. Take care ~rick

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  29. I'm happy for you! You must've been struggling all this time not knowing, but do now. I bet it is a relief. Great news.

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  30. Kid you don't have to let go of that inner child...just give her permission to grow up slow and easy.

    This post sounds as if maybe you "quit wearing your sunglasses inside" Cool the light isn't blinding and a bit of unfettered illumination in the dark corners may sting whatever has been hiding there but in the end you WILL find that there is some peace hiding there as well.

    Just keep looking, you'll find it. Then you'll be able to the through that child's eyes and see all the beauty that had been stolen from you. Congratulations on your new sight.

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  31. It makes perfect sense to me as you know ;-) Tons of hugs - it is such a liberating feeling to allow the kid to be present, heard and listen too, maybe you just take her by her hand and walk with her. Both of you will be fine. Keeping you guys in my thoughts :-)

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  32. Yes, the inner child. I know what you are talking about. I had a phase where I even resorted back to acting like a baby and being cranky and whiny.

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  33. stuck-in-the-middleJuly 15, 2009

    Good for you JBR! You're really making progress within. Hang in there!

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  34. Want to thank you all again who have responded thus far. This is a whole new walk to my journey now.

    By your responses, we all share that inner child we all can relate to. By us all sharing, we all can gain insight into that common ground.

    Again, appreciate you all taking the time to share your heart. Thank you!

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  35. God bless you! I am thankful you are having breakthrough.

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  36. How exciting that you got in touch with your inner child. Beginning of a new start with connecting.

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  37. We are ALWAYS harder on ourselves than we are on others. I am glad you are finally giving yourself a break! Great post!

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  38. That is great! A wonderful break through for you, I hope it gets easier every day for you.
    Hugs!!!

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  39. I'm happy to know that you're getting a much needed "break"...God bless JBR!

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  40. I feel this shift also, in a different way. I was born old...so much younger now at 47. It is wierd.

    You are working hard girl! Power on.

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  41. What a wonderful blog you have. Glad I came for the visit.

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  42. I think we all have those moments when our inner child inside takes over our adult body. Realize you are not alone!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  43. Passing this on to someone near and dear to my heart who struggles with this.

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  44. Seems like a very good thing is happening to you. I'm glad for you.

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  45. I'm so new to the blogging world that I am just reaching out to blogs of interest. I'm a Christian andin recovery and understand the pain of being rejected. You have a very informative blog which is of interest to me. Will take the time in the days to come to visit and read your other adventures.

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  46. I understand having a child inside that throws temper tantrums. I'm learning that I can kick and scream at the feet of Jesus. He accepts and embraces me as I am. I rest there.

    I wish you much blessing as you enter into deeper healing. God be with you.

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  47. All of God's creatures are special and are loved. Even as we journey through life, we will hit certain patches that will be rough. Reach out your hand to the one who is always there to show you the way.

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  48. Its breakfast time here and just about 4am (yawn) for you ;-) Saying Good morning, hoping u have a good day.

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  49. passing through and ntoiced your blog has alot to offer. nice blog.

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  50. JBR-I am thrilled you had this breakthrough. Doen't it fill you with such peace and comfort to understand why you behave/react the way you do. I had a experience like this very recently.

    Yes, please do console your inner child and nuture her whenever it is appropriate to do so!

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  51. Hi JBR; I'm glad your making progress. You should take your inner child out for a movie and some ice cream, and have some fun.

    You changed your blog around, only one post per page, makes it kind of harder to read everything. Take care.

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  52. This post is just so hard not to respond to because it just is Sooo Real and I know what this feels like.

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  53. JBR, I am so glad that you shared this with the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Inner child work isn't easy. When we "get" ourselves like you did here, the struggle is worth it. Like everyone else who commented here, I understand exactly what you are saying. Been there. Done that. Thanks for sharing.

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  54. It makes total sense to me, JBR, but I know how scary it can be. I think a lot of us with childhood abuse tried to be overachievers, but we still have to deal with some of the attachment and developmental issues because we were trying to develop WHILE we were being abused. It's complicated.

    This topic, obviously, strikes a chord with readers, too. So, thanks so much for sharing and for letting us use this post for the blog carnival. You rock! ((((((((safe hugs for little JBR))))))))

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