"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009



“Memories that were split off at the time of the abuse sometimes break through later in intrusive, overwhelming images, fragments, or feelings. Even though we may not be able to understand or tell the story of our abuse, we may be bombarded by feelings, body sensations, and visual images of terrifying scenes.

These intrusive memories, or flashbacks, can be so vivid that you feel as though the original experience is happening again now, rather than just being remembered. Flashbacks may be accompanied by the feelings you experienced at the time, or they may be stark and detached, like watching a movie about somebody else’s life.

Frequently flashbacks are visual: “I saw this penis coming toward me,” or “I couldn’t see my mother’s face, just the yellow nightgown she always wore.” These memories can be very dramatic:

My husband was just beginning to initiate some lovemaking. I had a flash in my mind. The closest way I can describe it is that it was much like viewing slides in a slide show, when the slide goes by too fast, but slow enough to give you some part of the image. It was someone jamming his fingers up my vagina. It was very vivid, and enough of the feelings came sneaking in that I knew it wasn’t a fantasy. There was an element of it that made me stop and take notice. I lay there and let it replay a couple of times.

I felt confused. I was aware that it was something that had happened to me. I even had a recollection of the pain. I scrambled around my mind for an explanation. ‘Was that a rough lover I had?’ Immediately I knew that wasn’t the case. So I went back into the flash again. Each time I went back, I tried to open it up to see a little more. I didn’t see his face, but I could sense an essence of my father.

But not everyone has visual recall. One woman was upset that she couldn’t get any images. Her father had held her at knife point in the car, face down in the dark, and raped her. She had never seen anything. But she had heard him. And when she began to write the scene in Spanish, her native language, it all came back to her-his threats, his brutality, his violation.

Flashback can involve any of the senses. What you heard, saw, smelled, tasted, felt, or thought can return with such immediacy that you feel as if you are actually reliving the original experience." (The Courage to Heal)

When I know something is wrong or amiss is when I would have the sense of panic, being trapped, feeling powerless with no memory backing it up some of the time.

When I am able to share what I can in t. about my abuse, it is like I am experiencing the past right in the present. This is when the feelings/sensations rise up in me as a child and my adult self goes else where and I feel I am not protected and that is when the fear comes in and takes over. I usually am not able to speak as much during this time. A lot of head nods, grunts and hiding behind my clenched hand to my mouth.


  1. Powerful post! God Bless.

  2. It is when the fear rises that those same fears are most vulnerable to conquering. Be strong in the face of your fear JBR, take control of your fears from your fears and destroy them as you are able.


  3. stuck-in-the-middleSeptember 08, 2009

    JBR this post shines a big light on a subject thats usually not discussed. Hang in there.

  4. fear does that to me too... unable to utter a single word or coherent thought... and it is then that i know it's THIS that i have to face and conquer...

  5. Flashbacks can be very scary but also healing at the same time. Greatful for your post.

  6. Thanks for sharing, praying for God to carry you through the flashbacks sweetie.

  7. I can fully understand why this book is called The Courage to Heal............takes a lot of courage.

    I am so happy that you are BRAVE enough to discuss these topics from this book. Ignorance is NOT Bliss..........and more education will stop these types of events from happening or at least minimizing them. It will give young girls the opportunity to stop the abuse... with education starting young in the proper way.

    Thanks for these POSTS. I don't find them Depressing; I found them helping others..

    I do mention in front of others that I was molested as a child so other women that have been too won't be ashamed when they see I no longer have shame. I do it mainly in groups that are all women or mostly women. I know men have been abused too...

    I long ago went to a SIA group in NYC.. about 20 years ago.. there were men there too. I was shocked at the time. I only went to a few meetings.

    Al-Anon and ACOA is helping me ..

  8. Teriffic post.  Very informative.

  9. Flashbacks are so intense. Sorry I am problems responding to an excellent post. This must be hard for you to do. Thank you for caring enough to share this information.

  10. The flashbacks are painful and often so real that you feel like the same child experiencing it all again... I wish I had the perfect words to make you feel better, but I know nothing like that exists. All I can say is hang in there, and don't forget that you are never alone! As always, you're in my prayers! ♥

  11. Thank you for posting the parts of the book and of your own life, so honestly. I have had visual flashbacks as well as body sensations but most of the time I just have a sense that I am reacting to something I don't understand, something I can't even identify.
    Like today, in therapy. I was talking about a time when I was seven, in first grade. I had been out of school sick for a few months with Rheumatic fever. When I came back to school my best friend - the first "best friend" I'd had - had a new best friend. The two of them made fun of me at gym because i could not take gym and had to sit on the sidelines.
    The thing about that memory that was confusing for me today is that I said to my T "I feel as though it was my father's fault. I felt different and as if I didn't belong, and for some reason I always have blamed my father for that."

    He was not responsible for my getting sick or for my friend choosing a new friend in my absense, but T explained that my sense of being different is probably attached to the sexual abuse I lived through between the ages of two and four. She explained that it is common that children who have been molested feel different, apart, not as good as others, like they don't fit in, etc. This probably left me very sensitive to those feelings in situations like the one I described above.

  12. JBR,

    I think this is very true of anyone who has experienced a traumatic event. It can even feel so real that you have a difficult time distinguishing real from your past recollections.

    Once again a very powerful post to those that need this healing.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  13. Any kind of memory can be painful. I now sometimes they can creep up on you without notice. Take care.

  14. I still have flashbacks from my sexual abuse by my brother and my neighbor. But Praise the Lord, they are now few and far between. It took me a long time to confront my brother, but what a freedom of bondage it was on that day!

    My prayers are will you, my sister~

  15. JBR--When you post the trigger warning I don't read your post. I'm dancing on the edge and not brave enough to look over. I know you are still in there working and I admire that. I wish you the best.

  16. Had one of those moments today in t, discussing some nightmares. The good news is that I believe just in taking the step to nod, grunt, whatever... we are not being silent and allowing them to overpower us. We are speaking as much as we can for the time being.

    God Bless You, JBR. You are amazing!