"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I am just not good at this!!

In my nightly routine phone check-in with my mum (which I am hating more and more each day!), she proceeds to tell me about her day. Apparently her car did not start this morning. So after having many people look at it from her condo (even though she has AAA but refuses to use it unless absolutely necessary. Why bother paying for a service that you will never use..... whatever) she has inexperience people give their ideas to why her car would not start. All along I am thinking it’s her battery, as she has never had it replaced since she bought the car about 4 years ago. (Good battery, I must say) Anyway, she finally broke down and called AAA after three hours. They came and towed her car to her dealer???? They did not even check if it was the battery? I have no idea what transpired there, as apparently everyone and their grandmother was surrounding my mothers car as she got what seemed her whole condo involved in this one little incident with so many opinions flying everywhere, probably the AAA guy had not a clue what to do with her car as he was hearing different stories from everyone, and just took her car?

So, she has no car and is in panic mode now!! So what else is new. She has two doctors appointments this Friday and proceeded to inform me that I would be her chauffeur for the day. Not even considering I work. Meanwhile, people from her office have and continue to offer their services to her in times like these. But she refuses to let them help her. She always has something negative to say about them and they would just aggravate her. (Like I don’t?) So being the loving daughter that I am, (yeah right) I argue with her and say, “why don’t you finally give in and take up one of their offers?” Then the yelling begins..... “What kind of daughter do I have? Oh, now I know how you feel about me.” I try and reiterate, even though I really do not want to take her on Friday, that she should let one of her co-workers take her! I then said, if it came to ‘push comes to shove,’ I would take her and drop her off and then pick her up when she was done and that I was not taking the whole day off. That set her off again. “What you have to work? Why can’t you stay with me.” I repeated again, that I would take her, drop her off, then pick her up. I am not waiting around all day for you while you are taking your tests. You would have done it alone anyway if you had your car.

Okay an hour later she calls me back saying her dealer called and that she can come and pick up her car first thing in the morning as it was just the battery!!! Then I learn from her that she last week went to get new tires put on and was told that her battery was on the way out. But, she refused to believe them. Then I am trying to explain to her that I would be around to pick her up first thing in the morning so I can get to work on time. Work on time? Like that was something foreign. It was like I should rearrange my work hours around her picking up her car. I said, no, “I will be there at such and such hour and drop you off.” Keeping in mind her dealer is about 12 miles each way from where she lives.

So, I will drive her before I go to work. So through all this, heated words were exchanged (nothing new) that could have been avoided. But then again this is the norm. Not saying that the car ride tomorrow to the dealer is not going to produce more discussion....

Now, I guess for the good part, I did not go ballistic or have a rage attack. May of been different if I ended up having to chauffeur her Friday. But, I will take my reaction tonight as a good one. I even said to myself at one point and really believed it that, “I am not taking on this guilt.”


  1. You go girl, do not take on her guilt, or anyone else's guilt. I am very proud of you.

  2. WOW, please pardon me if I am overstepping BUT, your mother is extremely co-dependent. If, I say IF this were me, I would lovingly let her know you need no less than 72 hours notice for appts and you will help ONLY if you are off work or are able to make arrangements to do so. Would she be happy if you lost your job, your car, your sanity and your home?

    LIMITS MUST BE SET HERE. I fear and feel for you. She is using guilt to control your thoughts and behaviour and it's unacceptable. Again, please, if I am overstepping, delete.

    My son is autistic and I finally learned how to say NO to him. He is high functioning, highly intelligent but has poor socialization skills. Well, what better way to learn them than to be in a position to have to ask for help. one rule applies, no strangers. This way he is safe and protected on that level. Do I worry, yes. Do I feel badly sometimes, sure. But who is gaining here, HE IS. He is learning how to live either with what he has, what is available or what he can create to help himself.

    I spent two years in therapy because of guilt from others. The best two years of my life. Now, as you darn well know {*wink*} I speak my mind and I KNOW my limits. Good thing to as the stress with exaserbate my illness.

    I know you care about your mum but truth be told, if there is really a crisis and you were not available, she would HAVE to reach out or go without. Oh My heart aches for you friend. Tammy

  3. Guilt is a killer...the guilt I have felt just about killed me. I had to learn this the hard way.

  4. Thank you all for your posts! Yup, total co-dependency/emeshment/controlling. Only differece now is one party is fighting for her freedom and the other one is panicing!

  5. Continue to be strong and it will work out. Remember You can not control mum.

  6. JBR,

    I agree that setting limits with your mom may be the solution. She sounds really lonely and sometimes she might feel she can only really talk to you about things. I feel for both of you, but wonder just how much time your mom may have left, would it make you feel any differently?

    Hang in there, I have the same issue and use this as a reminder of how would Jesus have dealt with the situation. Calmly, without being emotional and then setting boundaries. Even He needed to get away from all the people that needed Him too!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  7. Well done on maintaining those boundaries and communicating to your mom honestly. It's something I am finally learning to do, and it's completely liberating! Great work, JBR, you've inspired me again (:

  8. Is it possible that you could NOT call her daily. How about once per week. I am not trying to be mean. I am a mother and as my children grow older I do not expect to hear from them daily. Just a thought!

    Blessings and prayers, andrea

  9. My goodness I thought MY mother was the only one like this.Way to go for standing up for yourself!

  10. You don't have to bend over your back just to be filial. To remain sane, you have to draw your boundaries with a mom like this. I drew mine, if not I would go mad.

  11. I see my mum as a child now and I respond to her like I do my 2 year old. I let him know what I do and don't want to do calmly and lovingly. I see her as a child but I am not her mother. I think I used to take that role. I don't feel guilty anymore. I feel like doing more things for her because I won't do anything I don't want to. When I really faced and dealt with my own anger it really helped improve our relationship. I also was trying to be a caring daughter while feeling hatred towards my parents and it was making me ill. I needed to back away and get the hatred out of my system. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. It's really similar to what I went through. I've every faith you will find a resolution. X

  12. Sounds like so ground has been made. Good for you. It's hard with parents to stand up to themm especially if you've never done it.

  13. Appreciate all your comments very much and your insights! Thank you!!!

  14. well done for you! you set the rules, you set the boundaries, and off you go... without guilt!

  15. Wow. You've got your work cut out for you. Pray about what you can change about you so this does not continue. You'll never change her. Strong boundaries around what you'll accept in your life with the knowledge that being free does not mean you are less loving.

  16. Yes, so true..... I cannot change my mum's heart, only God can. And visa versa! Amen. Thank you all once again!

  17. I know the feeling. Utterly suffocating and mind-destroying. I was explaining that to my son the other day. I told him: if you ever go out in life and give me a call to say "Mum, I have a problem!" the first thing I say is: "Son, come to me, we'll find a way how to solve it together!" My mom says "Oh, don't bother me with your problems." She is absolutely focused in her problems of day-to-day - going to the Gymnasium and parties, that she doesn't even want to litsen to her children and grand-children. Then, she blames me for disrupting her social life.

  18. I can so appreciate your story! I felt like I was reading about my own life...LOL I am right there with you all the way. HUGS! Glad to know I am not the only one with "takers" in the family.