"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, November 02, 2009

MY GUITAR CRIES WITH ME



My guitar cries with me.

I was in the middle of worshipping with my guitar tonight (as I felt the Holy Spirit's presence on me heavily) right after work when my mother calls. I knew I should not have answered that phone! But, then I would have the police at my door within the hour as she would of feared I died or something.

The woman has no tact! These past couple of months I have been putting on weight as I go right to the comfort food when I am struggling! Anyway, the 30 pounds that I lost last year are almost back on me. These past few days I have been watching what I have been eating and I have lost five. But, of course my mother has to constantly remind me how awful I look. She did it on Saturday when I had to see her. So tonight after her insensitive remark I just said 'ok' and hung up on her! Then all my expletives came out of my mouth. Directed at her! I Do Not Need This From Her!!!

I mean does she actually think she is doing me a favor by cutting me down? She ends with "I Am Your Mother." SO freaking What? Do you have to insult me???? She is the main reason why I gained the freaking weight back in the first place!!!

Satan will not win this battle with me. Even now, concluding this post, I am much calmer and I refuse to take on this crap!

I have got to learn how to respond calmer..... I know in time. I know I have to go through certain things.....I know I am not there yet....

Am I proud how I reacted.... No!! Especially just coming out of praising the Lord....But, I am human! And right now this is me!!!

33 comments:

  1. And as you know - this too shall pass.

    Love and prayers your way,
    PG

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  2. yikes. I hear you. As a mother. I have no right to insult my girls ever. I want to be in their corner, always, hoping and believing the absolute best for them. Your mother has no right. You're an easy target for her because you're her daughter....I never ever want my girls to feel that from me. My dad used to do stuff like that to me. It's totally crazy making. Hang in there ok. I love that you play guitar. I wish I did. I think it would be a great way to zone out and let music speak when no words will come. Sarah

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  3. Yikes,there were times that certain someone's dirty work was done by one of her children.I servived it and so can you.Do not get me wrong I love my family and always will.I just will not be manupilated as I once was.I refused the guilt trips.I have forgiven the past transgressions.I miss my Mother now.especially just before she died she told me the one thing that I needed to hear from her."I am so proud of you!"

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  4. This is tough. Boundary issues are hard with my Mother.

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  5. Oh yes! I'm right on the same page! My mother used to say very insensitive things to me. Somethime I wonder if she even thought things out before opening her mouth. I'm sorry you were hurt tonight. Be gentle with yourself.

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  6. Take care of yourself. Be your own best friend. You do not need to listen to that stuff from anyone. Better to hang up than be torn down. Hugs and prayers.

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  7. Some mothers do not have the wisdom to say the right things or not say the wrong things to their daughters. I hope you can accept that and I hope you can forgive her too. God Bless you JBR

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  8. I'm sorry you were hurt too. It's so hard dealing with parents who seem to not realize respect is a two way street. I pray God will help you find a way to resolve the issues you have with your mom...

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  9. Sorry for the pain JBR. The unsettleness of your mother.

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  10. Hey Sis,
    Been there!! My mom and I always butt heads since I was a teen, I had so much anger and bitterness and unforgiveness toward her for the longest time. Back In 1992 was the finally straw and it was either shut out of my life or finally get things out in the open and tell her exactly how I felt. Well I chose to get it all out in the open it was not easy and she was defensive at times but she had a choice. Well I found out later that she was had a mental disability and that is why she was that way since I was little. It made forgiving her a lil easier, but still the scars of the emotional abuse had to heal. Today we are so close and I realize people who put down others have a very low self esteem of themselves and underlying issues deep within. Stay strong and I know in time the Lord will give you the wisdom to know how to handle this!!!

    Hugz Lorie

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  11. Hi JBR, perhaps your mum has no tact. Perhaps that could be said of me too! I will tell my boy to go exercise as he was putting on weight, but he says I was insulting him.. then his coach tells him to jog everyday to keep fit. I was just trying to tell him to act before someone else other than your mother tells you to!

    I told him to bath everytime he comes back from school, because he perspires alot,and sometimes it stinks and he says I am insulting him. He then comes home from school telling me his friends insulted him saying he stinks.

    Now I am in a fix, either way I am a lousy mum.
    Bless you

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  12. Wishing you were able to get the affirmation and understanding you need from your mom. Sometimes our folks just aren't made the way we need them to be!

    Thinking of you in my prayers.

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  13. When I made the decision to never ever respond to my mother in anger again no matter what she did, it was a freeing moment. It did not change any of her behavior, just mine. You will come out of this dark season. Overpowering, controlling mothers are sometimes well-intentioned, but clueless.

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  14. When it comes to parents, they're th hardest to figure out. They seem to want to help you. But many times there help can destroy you. They think they build you up with confidence with what they say. But they teare you down instead.

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  15. God will bring you back into His Sonshine. I love you.

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  16. My mother was the same. Growing up she always told me I need to shape up, lose weight. Once as a teenager I asked her 'Mom do you think I am pretty?' and her response was ' well you're not exactly beautiful... cute maybe'.
    I don't listen to her anymore. I stopped listening and even though she still has a way of saying things very 'wrong' I just look at her and I think.. 'This woman is not mentally healthy, she's very unhappy, she's taking it out on me. I know what she's saying are lies'.
    There comes a time when you just gotta say 'stop'. I agree whole heartedly with Madison.
    Free yourself from the anger, because it's not going to change your mother's behaviour, if anything it'll only weigh you down.
    ((((hugs)))

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  17. stuck-in-the-middleNovember 03, 2009

    Words can certainly destroy. Sorry JBR that you were destroyed by your mothers words yesterday. Hang in there.

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  18. Everyone of you has offered so much. Each of you had really something very good to share with me, even from your own experiences "as a mother" yourselves!!

    Some things I did not even see, because of the anger getting in the way. Madison and Zan what you said is so very true!

    Also, having to forgive.

    I was in a better state about an hour or so after the incident last night, as I am just not going to let this get the better of me!

    I kept on repeating to myself, "I AM WORTHY!."

    And I Am Counting On God to get me through!

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  19. DNA is not really a connection kiddo. You can not answer the phone and leave this woman to fend for herself which by your previous accounts she is capable of. If the police show up at your door simply say that you have no idea why she called them, go ask her.

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  20. I have a friend whose father used to belittle her for her weight all the time while she was growing up. She's never had a healthy relationship with food as a result. It's such a shame that this is done to people, especially by parents.

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  21. Hey sorry your mother was incensitive! She obviously has her own hurts to deal with. By the way I like your song, "Counting on God." God Bless.

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  22. Thanks for following my blog! I just came back and trying to check things out after long 2 months. How are you doing?

    God bless you!

    Ardy

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  23. the way you reacted is totally understandable. i want to loose it when people go around and willfully hurt someone, be it with words or actions...

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  24. This is a good place for me to be today, for I am in your mother's shoes (help me, Jesus). Yesterday I called my daughter who lives out of state. She has a boyfriend who is unemployed and an alcoholic. This past summer while they were visiting, he said something very rude to me.

    So I called to ask her to get rid of him. I am very nervous about her relationship with him. To my surprise, she reminded me of something unkind I said to her a year ago (neither of us can remember what I said). She said to me:

    "Mom? Remember when you said that horrible thing to me last year? I could have just turned my back on you, thinking you're a bad person and a bad mother. But I forgave you, realizing that we all make mistakes and are imperfect, flawed humans. Why can't you forgive Ryan? Don't take that one thing he said and hold it against him. I didn't do that to you."

    Wow, huh? Forgive your mom, please. Nicely tell her that she is hurting you, but then forgive and forget. She is only human, and I'm sure she is doing her best. I'm so glad I was forgiven. I hope your mom will get a second chance (and a 3rd, and a 4th, etc.) Jesus had even more hateful things to forgive us for, and yet He did and He does, again and again.May we walk in the path He has chosen for us in humility and grace and love and especially forgiveness...

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  25. Oh JBR, I'm sorry she felt she had to say something. Some people don't realize that you may not find their comments funny or helpful. I know from experience that comments like that when one emotionally eats can be particularly hurtful. They make me feel really guilty. People can say whatever they wish, I'm really happy for your response! Every time that happens, it's just more and more progress! Take care! <3

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  26. That was not nice of your mother. She probably doesn't know any better. Sorry JBR. Try not to let it bother you. Parents do the strangest things sometimes.

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  27. JBR, just returning form my therapy and agree with everyone. Particulary Walking Man, if your Mom calls the police - so what? Send them away. Breaking the circle, changing your behaviour. Wish I could share with you the exercise for / about boundaries today. Went right to the core, without ever a word being said! A non verbal group exercise. You have learned so much. You had lost so much weight and gained some again. So what? You showed you can make it and in due time you might again. Love you as you are. Hugs

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  28. (((((BigHugs))))) You are growing so much. It takes time. Be patient with God and keep leaning on Him and trusting Him and PRAISING HIM!

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  29. {{{JBR}}} I am so very proud of you for standing up for yourself!!! Even though it is very painful for you to be walking through this valley, you are getting through it. My grandmother was/is the same way. She cannot say anything to me without it being a negative cut down. You are an intelligent, beautiful woman. God made you special for HIM to love and have a relationship with. Hang in there and keep walking forward.

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  30. You can win any battle if you are prepared and you outhink the opposition. Would you consider getting up a little earlier each day and pampering yourself, that's right, taking care of yourself with 30 to 45 minutes of brisk walking?

    You'll grow to enjoy it, and it will bolster your willpower. The pounds will melt from your body and not come back.

    It works on me..

    Secretia

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  31. I'm guessing your mom does a lot of what she does because she has no self esteem, and by cutting others down she can feel better about herself. But that doesn't make it any less painful for you.

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  32. I pray for a breakthrough and the leading of the holy spirits direction to the next step in your life.

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