"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, November 01, 2009


****In the Moment "A Live Rant"****

I knew eventually I would have to go back to the real world from my extended vacation, and being at church today was my first step back into the real world. Even though I could worship the Lord alone, once people I know come along, then my world is disrupted again. Man am I ever screwed up!!!

We are called to fellowship. I long to fellowship!!! But at the same time I dread having to because I still struggle with the performance base crap!!!!!!!!

I am NOT in a good place now, because I am angry at myself!! I hate myself (and I really do not like using that word, but I am so damn tired of this). Did I perform right???? JBR why did you say that???? That was really stupid!!!! You dummy!!! You come over looking stupid!!!! Will people still like me even though I feel I come over weak, frail and I feel I appear stupid? Yes, all lies of Satan. At the time it is hard to convince myself any different. Until I settle down, after the fact and that is even a struggle.

I should really be angry (and I am getting there) at the circumstances that put me in this state to begin with and that is the crap that was dealt me growing up. The over-protection of my mother, the lack of a father, the isolation, the sexual abuse, splitting up of my family, the hate, the rage, the lonliness, the resentment, my early years stripped away from me!

This all pisses me off now because I hate feeling the way I do constantly!!!!!!!

And this is why I want to isolate!!!!!!!


  1. your not a lone I do understand. you have some thing at my blog my friend

  2. I so get how you feel... I have felt those feelings before and still do on occasion. However, I so commend you for NOT isolating. That takes COURAGE my friend... tons of courage. Keep going... one foot in front of the other... you are getting to where you want to be!

  3. Aas hard as it is your right where God wants you to be! Hugs.

  4. I am so sorry. I remember how much I sought isolation years ago. Getting out what so extremely difficult. I still have drawback in that area but getting out of isolation taught me to deal with acceptance as well as rejection of people. Exactly like there are people I like and people I dont like so much. It counts for both sides ;-)) Love you as you are more as you ever imagine!

  5. I guess Sunday is the day for all madness - if you want to look at it that way. Even Jesus got angry but the thing to remember is that he did not stay in that place....you shouldnt either. You have too many people who love you and are rooting for you.

  6. You are not alone, but I do so understand. Hugs my friend.

  7. Just an idea from a former depressed self-hating isolater: God can heal self-hatred. Takes work: Every time you have those thoughts, you have to turn yourself over to your Creator. A simple prayer helps: May God's will be done in and through me today. I know you'll get through this but wanted to share my experience.

  8. Well, there's something about you that we all love. Focus on that and what God loves about you. Right now you're clay in the potter's hand. Please don't get perfect way ahead of the rest of us. We all make mistakes every day. Everybody falls short. Be strong in the strength of the Lord.

  9. Nodding my head in recognition. I realized that for me it went back to trying to avoid my family's comments. Now I use a mantra: I am safe and all is well. It cuts off the tendency to get caught up in getting angry with myself because I think I screwed up. (Often when I have a chance to do a reality check with someone else who was present, they didn't notice any problem with what I said or did.)

  10. I understand these feelings.

  11. JBR, I understand. I tend to isolate myself, especially when I am not in a good place. And I get angry at myself for not being perfect. That is when I need to make new tapes to erase the old ones. Tell myself I am special and loved and beautiful just the way I am. We need to listen to Jesus' voice, JBR. Hugs and prayers.

  12. hhmmm... well, we're all a little screwed up. So you're in good company.
    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Please be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

  13. I know these feelings. I am hoping for you and I believe for you as I have seen for myself that your path is being made straight...and this work you are doing will be far more powerful than you realize now. I just know it will!

  14. (((hugs)))
    Sorry you are feeling so bad right now. It'll get better. You will get there. Don't give up.
    You're not alone.

  15. Sorry you have it rough. As much as you don't like what's happening,,it's all part of the process. Recovery is just that. It takes time. You get up you fall down. Each time your getting stronger as you learn and go through. Hope I helped.

  16. you will make it through this. we all have these feelings, this negative filter that every thought seems to generate through. my inner addict does this to me a lot. you have a great support group here and you don't have to be alone or afraid to live life.
    you have one life to live and your higher power does not want you to live in fear or frustration, He only wants you to be happy, joyous and free.
    have you ever read any of Melodie Beattie? she has a daily meditation book called "the language of letting go" it is a good book and may help in times like these. take care.

  17. I am proud of you for making it to church. Don't let the enemy drive you away and keep you isolated. A friend shared that the enemy is the wolf trying to isolate the sheep where they are defensless. You have so many people rooting for you and praying for you. You are never alone, dear one. God is for you. Even with our painful pasts, God is the God who redeems and restores what the enemy has taken. I'm praying for you and sending gentle cyber-hug filled blessings.


  18. If all us isolationists got together, we would not be isolating, would we?

    That's not a bad idea--so I'm sure someone has thought of it before...

    Isolation: A HIGH form of selfishness
    --and I should KNOW!


    (I am a secret isolationist--I pretend to be Mr outgoing. Shhhh, that's a real secret of mine--I guess no longer?)

  19. we also go throguh moments of hating ourselves we are sorry for the pain you are in.

  20. Running away not always the best thing. I know. Keep the faith JBR!

  21. Perhaps you are trying to take too big a step. Try little steps, but keep moving forward, 2 steps forward 1 step back - it doesn't matter I realise because in the end we are still going forward just slower ...I think God always wants us to exert our will, to attempt and not give up our growing.

  22. Hi JBR,
    What you're describing is perfectly understandable. Sorry your feeling this way, and please, be patient with yourself, and don't succumb to those feelings of self-hate.
    And I'd like to recommend a post from a dear friend, who wrote along similar lines the other day, ie, wanting to be an isolationist.


    Hang in there...

  23. Please show the same compassion to yourself that you do to others when they are where you are. You have the right to feel whatever you feel. You are not and never have been stupid.

    I remember that old tape from my childhood. My parents were really good at calling me names when they were angry. Even today I hate being called stupid. It is so shaming and none of us deserve that. Please accept love and hugs from us until you can give them to yourself.

  24. You are in luck my friend. Because He love's you, no, HE adores you BEFORE you do a thing. You are made in HIS image! That is pretty spectacular right there. And did I mention, BEFORE you do a thing?!

  25. Throughout the night I kept waking up with Sanctus Real's song, "Whatever Your Doing" (2nd song on my playlist above) constantly playing through my head. Especially the chorus:

    "Whatever You're doing inside of me.
    It feels like chaos but now I can see.
    This is something bigger than me.
    Larger than life something Heavenly.
    Something Heavenly."

    Usually I can get a grip of my rants, but I am just so tired now, that I am letting go (which is a good thing) and not holding it in. Thanks everyone for letting me be real.

    I found the following on the internet this morning that is cool. Amazing how God just places things for your to find in your time of need:

    "Nothing draws human focus quite like a whisper. God's whisper means I must stop my ranting and move close to Him, until my head is bent together with His. And then, as I listen, I will find my answer. Better still, I find myself closer to God."

  26. You wouldn't be human if you did not express yourself. We are all different. We expess ourselves in different ways. That's how God made us so very unique. self hate is a hard one to overcome, but it can be through God's help. Keep pushing forward.

  27. oh i understand, i completely understand...

  28. stuck-in-the-middleNovember 02, 2009

    Hang in there JBR!

  29. Oh sweety, I can relate to what you are going through. It's difficult to take that performance mask off and just be yourself around those who probably will never understand what you have encountered in your life. My heart is crying out for you. Stay strong, stay focused on God carrying you through. Hugs!!

  30. May God supply all the strength you need to get past this part of your journey. God Bless.

  31. While I can't fully imagine all that you've been through, and all you're facing now, I pray this prayer for you...May God heal your brokenheart, bind up your wounds, help you to cling to the Gospel (which means "good news") of Jesus Christ. I pray for you Eph.3:17-19 "that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith, that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend the width, length, depth & height, to know the love of Christ (for you) which passes knowledge (it bypasses your mind where the battle is, and goes straight to your heart), that you may be filled with the fulness of God". I pray against that lying spirit that torments you, I release the spirit of truth over you, I pray that you would guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, that you would put on the full armor of God (Eph. 6:10-13), that you may extinguish those fiery darts of the enemy! And last, I pray that you will walk in forgiveness, of yourself and all those who have hurt you. For it is through forgiveness that you allow God's power to work in your life. Remember the Lords prayer, "forgive us our debts, even as we forgive those who have sinned against us". I declare freedom over your life in the name of Jesus!

  32. JBR dear, I can feel your insecurity, hurt and shame. It's all inside us, we just feel that way, but no one else is looking at us that way. .It's our past that kept us broken ... thinking that we are always broken and useless. But OUR LORD says we are not. He just wants us to walk with him and have your eyes on him and no one else. Blessings

  33. I can definitely relate to how you feel JBR. Social interactions are awkward for me as I spend a bit of time beating myself up over how I interact. Right now, I am trying to stop the beating as soon as I can and think positive about myself. I realize the temptation to isolate can be really strong, especially when one feels self-hatred. Take care! You have no reason to feel self-hatred, from what I can see, you are a wonderful person! <3

  34. "When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
    John 5:6

    The question by the miracle maker had deep implications. Sometimes, folks are contented to live their life in lament. Christ found one and asked directly: "Do you want to get well?"

    The alternative is to enjoy the life you are leading. The alternative is available to all of us.

    Reject the miracle.
    Accept the miracle.

    Looking for acceptance by this audience, your family, neighbors, coworkers, any man or woman, will always lead to rejection.

    The ONLY one who accepts you "as is" is the one who made you "as is". He even accepts you "as you become", whether by choice, or having it foisted on you.

    "Do you want to get well" requires isolation with HIM, no one else.

  35. Whoa, girl, you gotta a lot a comments to read!

    Performance is the absolutely worst! Here's what I do - close my eyes, and listen to the Spirit. Is the spiritual feeling mellow? Then worship mellow. Is it 'thrash every bone in your body' type feelings? Then go with that. People can really get in the way of a true worship experience. Especially when you have drop dead gorgeous singers on the stage, in which case you start worshiping the worship. I think we all face this same struggle. Been there, done that...