"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I am amazed how much God wants to commune with me despite my wounds and weaknesses.

Rejection, I am discovering, is a very deep wound for me. It cuts like a cold steel knife to my soul. My insides crumble as I hear stinging words or looks that give the appearance of rejection. When that would happen, I would withdraw even more into myself; vowing never to speak up again or avoid situations of the same all together.

Brings back memories of my father shaming me over something I should have known better. I knew I was about to experience a put down from my father when he would begin by saying, "honey." Sounds endearing, but it was not. Or the countless times at school being known as the "dumb stupid one." Feeling rejected.

Being laughed at because I was not considered cool or smart. Shame would engulf me as my belief system would be that people did not like me to begin with and that I was a nobody! So, I proceeded to treat myself as such time and time again.

During the sixth grade, Peanuts/Charlie Brown was a popular program and cartoon strip at the time. There was a click of girls from my sixth grade class that I wanted to hang out with. The main click girl was giving out the names of all the characters to the other click girls in my class. I desperately wanted to join and begged if I could. They all laughed and said that I would have to have the Peanut character of "Pig Pen." The one that that stunk and was dirty. I was not thrilled with the choice, but I took it, because I wanted to belong. Yeah, I was made fun of that year with the title of Pig Pen. The girls still rejected me regardless.

Although I did rebel in a quiet way, by destroying school property on occasion, i.e. gaining access to the gym teachers locker which held a starting pistol and shooting off all the rounds inside the locker room. Oh how deafening. Thank goodness no one was there. Ripping up important documents that were not locked up. No one ever knowing it was I who did the evil deed.

But, I CANNOT hide from this pain. Only way I can overcome is through the pain.

Part of my recovery is stepping out into the unknown. Will I be rejected by others for what I say? Sure, some will not like me. Knowing this and continuing to step out in faith, will ONLY build me up despite the attempts of being knocked down by rejection at times. There can only be good out of pain sometimes! This is growth, painful growth though.

Jesus wants to heal the pain of my heart in order for me to be able to share with other hurting people just how much He desires to heal us. I hesitate saying the word "love" at this time, only because I am not there yet. Even though that is what He desires for His children to experience above all!

Who would of thought (only God) that in my woundedness, in addition to being sexually abused by my brother when I was 8/9, He can use me still for His glory!!


  1. JBR I just posted some stuff on my blog that was really difficult to post. And I clicked on your post here to see that picture up the top. It was like it really was a message from God for me. Thank you.

  2. I know how you feel. I have issues with rejection too. It is hard for me to let people in because of that. However, you are so so right. God does use us in our brokenness!!!

  3. JBR you're not the only one who has issues with rejction. If you have this fear, you're sure to feel alienated and lonely. Your fear makes you feel that everyone in this world is superior to you and they can reject and avoid you for some reason or the other. I pray God uses you greatly in helping others. God Bless.

  4. That part of your past can remain in your past. You are accepted now!


  5. stuck-in-the-middleJanuary 12, 2010

    Hang in there JBR! Your doing great!

  6. I know how you are feeling...sometimes I wish so much that my struggle and pain was not the qualifier for drawing close to Him and being used for His glory...

  7. it's all in finding ways of softning the edges we know are not there...

  8. I might not be able to comprehend how deep your wound is....but I am able to comprehend the healing power His Spirit did! Because your love for Him is being reflected through your words everytime I come and visit here.

    Scabs are often removed when nurses do wound care on infected ones. It's not a pain-free process. It's necessary to remove the pus out and maintain a healthy tissue deep inside.

    That process reminds me of you. It may be so painful but you're allowing the Spirit for Him to peel off the "scab" covering your deep wound so you can be healed! God bless you JBR!

  9. Ya know we are all just a mess! Brennan Manning calls us a "glorious mess". As I read your post, and so understand it, for I too have issues with rejection and abandonment due to my past. But I also was thinking that the wounds inflicted to our hearts are caused by those who have wounds themselves, and act out of those. I had this picture of everyone walking around shooting each other with arrows!!! How awful we treat others out of our own pain! "Hurting people hurt others" How God longs for the cycle to be broken! I think this generation more than most others, has finally stopped to ask, and to look at whey we do what we do!! I see so many wanting to be free of the junk in their trunk (me included) to be freed to love without fear, to reach out without fear of not getting what we need because we know where and from whom our needs are really met. In God alone!!! But it is so hard!!!!

  10. I like you! I love you! More importantly God loves you! He loved you first. Your blog is a daily blessing to me. Thanks for sharing.

  11. Isn't it ironic that the knows us best loves us the most and we sometimes reject HIM so we can get approval from those who don't love us at all. How strange are we?
    I have done that on more occasions than I would like to admit and finally I have come to the place that I am "Me" ...deal with it. God loves me and I know that. The rest doesn't matter. Does it hurt if they don't? Sometimes, yes, but it's not crushing anymore.
    Someday you will get to that place! You will!

  12. Hi Real Friend,

    Yes, its well put...He is writing OUR STORY and at the end...HE GLORIFIES HIMSELF THROUGH US. Today is one more step towards the epilogue of that story. It reminds me of the Psalm that says, 'WHY SO DOWNCAST MY SOUL. PUT YOUR TRUST IN GOD. FOR I WILL YET...PRAISE THE LORD. Your yet is yet to come, lift up your head, my sister.

    Blessings as always,,


  13. Sweetie, rejection can be a real stinger! Praying God will lift you beyond so you can enjoy his glory with him.

  14. We are so blessed that He is there for us. Otherwise, I don't think we would be able to survive the wounds we have.

  15. When I became aware that all that really mattered was that I was His.......it was freeing. Staying in that place is what causes us to overcome. Knowing we are His.
    Hugs, GG
    Psalms:17:8: Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings,

  16. We seem to grow stronger through messes in our lives, and that's perhaps the only way we discover our true selves and come to experience peace, the way God wanted us too.
    'Seek and you will find'. There's something special in this post that will help my son who's always been put down by his father. Thank you

  17. it's been a while since i've come over here-- but isn't it funny God speaks through others?
    i know you know what i mean.
    anyhow-- rejection; must be the word of the day. or month. whatever. you and i have a lot in common. apparently you touch a lot of folks , over three hundred actually-- as per your "followers". anyways-- i am obviously having a hard time saying what i'm trying to say here.
    but yeh, rejection, never easy to deal with-- especially when it's life-long-- and so undeserved. and hard to understand.
    like you-- i feel like a good person, but so misunderstood, and unaccepted. from parents- to siblings- to everyone i have ever known.

    i just shut down my blog-- which seemed to be sort of popular for the last couple of years . even to the point that many folks would use my phrases, words, quotes, etc on their own blogs. that cut me to the core to be honest. but i kept telling myself-- the old saying "immitation is the greatest form of flattery"-
    until--- my personality- became theirs-- and it gained them popularity- in the end-- they didn't need 'me' anymore-- they had their own new friends. and apparently couldn't keep up with me anymore-- they had too many of their own. by using MY 'uniqueness.'

    howdaya like that?

    it's the weirdest thing to me. i can't explain how it makes me feel. so many told me how unique-- and 'real' i was. honest. even still i was getting 30-40 hits a day. people still read every day. but almost no one spoke-commented anymore. they came to see what i had to say-- only to plagiarize. i know , because i would go to their blogs later-- and see a topic-- a phrase-- or something that i had written that very day.

    it's just not right.

    i finally felt accepted. it took me years to find my personality. years to find out who i am. and only a short time-- to lose that. to have it taken away. just like everything else.

    now, once again-- i don;t even know who i am anymore.

    i've been used-- my mind, and soul have been robbed. how do ya deal with that?
    how do you trust anybody after something like that?

    how's do you 'be real' after that?

    i don't even know who i am anymore-- but when i figure it-- will i be able to share it? i'm thinkin not.

    have a nice day

  18. Dear JBR:

    The past has the magnetic power of pulling us down but then we are his chosen ones. We have all the power to rebuke the past and discard it. No matter however it strikes you remember that 'We are more than conquerors.' Never bow down to the past or any other despairing thought. You are special, fearfully and wonderfully made. No one has ever been or will be like you. Your blueprint was decided much before you were born. SO remember that you are the ONLY ONE and there is no other like you. Isn't that reason enough to celebrate. Forget 'Pig Pen,' you are his chosen, special one.


    Joy and courage always,

  19. I love you, thanks for allowing God to use you.

  20. Oh I just want to hug ya right now! So brave to put all that out there ~ don't feel alone I think all women deal with that . THere is actually a lady who works at the Starbucks at my Target & I just never felt like she liked me & I actually found myself praying last time before I got there...Please Lord, just let her like me :) Kinda funny I know :) I am gonna pray for you right now...& I like ya! :)

  21. wow, I could relate to that so much. The shame, the rejection, the low-self esteem....
    My therapist used the word "rejection" in referance to my father just yesterday, and it stung like crazy - still does.
    Then, I berate myself for caring how he feels. It kills me that, through all of it, I still care.

  22. Sweet one, you are not rejected you are accepted. Thought Jesus Christ there is no condemnation. Hold your head high because you are a precious child of the King! I pray that Gods healing power will just wash those voices of the past that pull you down because Our Lord wants to raise you up.

    God bless, be proud and have a terrific day!!!

  23. It may take some time, but God will heal you! Keep the faith. You are on the right path now!

  24. I like what Mary...we are all a mess. and besides...look at pig pen...I think he looks soooo cute. I was told I was stupid so many times and I made the dean's honor list. I trusted in lies.Trusting in those lies almost killed me. Stay strong girl....I think you're pretty darn awesome

  25. My pastor told me, at a very low point in my life, that "God uses the weak and wounded ones to reach the weak and wounded ones." The wisdom in that is this: if you have a little bit of recovery, give to the woman or man who has none.

  26. Just touching base. My heart goes out to you.

  27. I am without words except that your openess has touched me deeper than anything I have read in a long time. God uses our pain to glorify Him.. thank you for being so open.
    May God bless you
    Love to you.

  28. Drive-by comment JBR, I promise to come back and respond to this post soon, but first...
    By a freak twist of fate (from what I can tell through my site tracker), my blog has been found by someone very unsafe that I know in real life, so I have had to "privatize" it to invited readers only. If you would like to be able to access it.. please e-mail me at dysfunctionaldaze@gmail.com and I will add you to the list! I'll still be reading blogs and commenting, but my blog will no longer be "open".

  29. Rejection is another deep dark enemy of mine. The moment I told my grandmother about my rape and she refused to believe me, I truly think it began. It grew stronger each day of my life and become a common situation for me. I learned to bury my feelings of hurt and confusion as far as I could.

    Now, they are all coming to surface. Little by little, issue by issue. And God is healing them. It may not be quick enough for me, but He knows what I have to gain by facing the things that I dread the most.

    Keep moving forward my sweet friend! Hugs to you !!!

  30. You are so very worthy and loved. Don't underestimate the power of the spoken word.

    Heal and let go.

    Blessings, Pam

  31. I forgot to say "If God is for you who can be against you?"