"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, February 19, 2010


My joy blocker is shame.

But, oh boy, I DO KNOW I have joy in me! Amen and Amen to that!

Joy does come out in spurts when I let the Holy Spirit get a hold of me now. Closest thing to compare my present joy when it does surface is to when I was a child before my abuse and parents divorce. Laughing my head off with friends. Not caring. Being free. Letting my most inner being run wild! I was a wild kid in the sense, I would do so many silly things with my childhood friends to get them to laugh as I as well. I wanted to feel good! I would play practical jokes, make jokes, wear silly stuff, act silly and I got them all to follow suit.

But, when I have my moments of joy now, right away my mind reverts back to corrupted stinkin' thinkin' that says "I am NOT entitled to feel happiness or the Joy of the Lord. I do not deserve it."

My dad for the most part was a unhappy man. He did not appreciate from what I remember me crying. Would imply for me to get over it already. When I did cry and then get reprimanded for it, that hurt even more. I was not allowed to show my hurt through tears. Even my silliness he would question and told me to behave.

I believe my parents arguing and eventually divorcing zapped the remaining joy I had at eleven. Their divorce devastated me and devastated my joy. After that I was not this kid I described a few paragraphs before. I became very sullen, angry, sad, and hurt so deeply inside. What was joy to me then? A faded memory.

Even after accepting Christ a few years later, I could not grasp the joy of the Lord. I have been hurt so deeply, the joy has been hiding very well behind walls and walls of shame.

Sometimes lately I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I fight back and forth with being free one minute to being bound the next.

But I am a fighter!!! I DESIRE to regain back what was once taken from me!!! I can see a rip in the lining of my shame walls. Slowly but surely, more joy enters in through these rips. The more healthier I become on my journey, the more the infilling will be able to enter in! Amen!!!

The day when I can have absolute freedom in the Holy Spirit and receive His Joy unconditionally, is when indeed my icon in my Just Be Real profile will come to full fruition. Right now my arms are a little bit more than half way up!!


  1. Divorce wrecks the family from top to bottom. It sends kid's futures in every different direction and erodes theur pasts.
    I know how bad it feels, my parents divorced too.


  2. So many events can derail a life for years. I'm glad you're fighting your way back. You're going to have a great future.

  3. stuck-in-the-middleFebruary 19, 2010

    JBR this post is exciting to read. Your determination to have the holy spirit fill you to capacity with joy is so refreshing. He will. Hang in there.

  4. Sweet JBR~

    You already know that your DESIRE to regain back what was once taken from you is within your grasp and it WILL happen. God promises that to us.........

    "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and He will do this.

    Psalm 37:3-5

    Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and eventually, every wall will come down and there will be NOTHING left block you in! PRAISE GOD!


  5. Amen, and thank you all for sharing.

    Laura, you quote one of my favorite scriptures that I have memorized to heart and repeat daily as I awake!

  6. JBR I loved reading this post despite your struggles. Let Him have his way with you with joy. Praying for you. God Bless

  7. We are all on a quest to be "free in Christ" to live, laugh, enjoy life, and serve HIM.

    Thank you for your sweet comments, prayers, love, and encouragement.

    Hugs, andrea

  8. The joy of the Lord is our strength. Praying for it for you in abundance precious friend.

  9. Sometimes lately I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I fight back and forth with being free one minute to being bound the next.

    I DESIRE to regain back what was once taken from me!!

    this has been me for the last two weeks. I wrote about it at my Sacrificial Diet blog...

    You will fill me with joy in Your presence..Psalm 16:11....

    I NEEDED this devotional that you shared this morning.....thank you thank you thank you

  10. JBR, well you are right, you don't deserve it, but because Christ bought you with a price, you are most assuredly entitled to it. Praise God, we don't get what we deserve, we get GRACE and MERCY through the love God had for us, while we were yet sinners. Hugs!

  11. I am encouraged by your growth and know that you are going to break down those barriers that keep joy from your spirit.

    Hang in there. Big hugs. I love your music.

  12. Nothing sounds so good as you know first you have had this joy and it is still inside you. It is easier to regain something we once felt as to relearn something completely knew. Something of which we have no concept. Secondly nothing better than you knowing you are halfway through. Love to from one Mr Jekyll from another Mr Hyde.

  13. Hi

    ".................shame looks down, courage looks straight ahead, faith looks up"

    love you

  14. Oh JBR, you can never get back what has already happened nor can you change it but I think you should read Gail's post today it may really help you.
    Make new memories, happy ones as you move forward. Am praying for you and have a happy Friday and a joyful weekend.....:-) Hugs

  15. Half-way up is SO MUCH better than all the way down. You're going in the right direction my dear friend!!
    May I come along side in any way and hold your hands up?

  16. "A rip in the lining of my shame walls." Beautifully expressed. May joy burst in!

  17. You can't go wrong as you look up to the true Source of joy! Blessings to you JBR.

  18. Sweet JBR. The blessings of God may they fall upon you that you wil be filled up beyond measure.

  19. It sounds like to me like you are reclaiming that joy that was stolen from you and that is not an easy task. I'm proud of you for sticking with you t.,she sounds good. You and I both deserve that JOY that God is giving us back! Again, this is so repetitious, but our childhood stories (nightmares) sound so similar. My day would always tell us if we cried, he would give us something to cry about. So, there goes the ability to express sadness out the window at a very young age. The the sabotaging of every time I "felt any child like joy"...what can I say. I so understand the feelings you are experiencing...the Jekyll and Hyde thing. For me it can change from when I woke up at night til when I go to bed. My thoughts and prayers and belief that God our heavenly Father only wants the best for His children-and will give it to us. xxx000 Janie

  20. I am proud of you for the steps I see you taking. Keep walking sweetie.