"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, March 19, 2010


Yesterday's t. session was not as intense as the week before. But, potent enough. Shame was still discussed and some more things were uncovered and revealed.

The shame base nature of this ugly monster always leads to fear.

When fear overwhelmed me growing up, I would try my best to protect myself and avoid getting myself in situations that would cause me fear. End result, "retreating," "avoiding," and if found in a situation that I had no control over, "making light of the fear and squash the pain."

I could not let anyone know how I was feeling for "fear" of being laughed at and criticized. So, what usually would happen was I would make fun of myself before anyone would even get a chance to make fun of me. I already set myself up for failure. I catch myself even to this day doing that.

Part of my t. is having my shame revealed. And boy, it is doing just that!

All my life, I have really never had a best friend or anyone to talk to about anything about myself. That is why I find it so very painfully lonely and hard opening up and expressing my feelings to people. The best friend I created to survive back then was my own la-la land in my mind.

Once my parents divorced when I was eleven, and I was forced to move away to New York from Florida with my mother who remarried, I lost all my childhood friends. And I lost myself.

That is when I started to survive on my own terms. Unfortunately, retreating, fear, shame took control which made it so very difficult to reach out to anyone and make friends. The boys that took advantage of me in school where nothing to me. They wanted something, and I let them have it. Just because. There was no dating with any of them. What transpired was all done in secrecy mainly on the school grounds.

As an adult, the deep relationships with both men and women never happened. I did not know how to properly relate, to anyone. With men it would just go so far, and I would pull the plug. I would run away, make excuses before anything got too deep and personal. By this time I was so into my own world and so well protected no one could get in. I have always been a nervous wreck, trying to predict the outcome of a possible scenario before it happened that may cause me emotional pain.

My t. is really the first person I have ever confided in. And now my blog. Not even God did I go to.

I amaze myself with some of the things I share with my t. when I actually verbalize them in session. Thinking, "did I actually say this?" And, "did this actually happen to me?" Because I have stuffed all the pain for so many years I never verbalized it until recently.

Part of my healing is allowing the God, that I have so much trouble trusting at this point, to get to the deep core of my shame! God knows for certain, since it is my M.O., that I want to run and hide! I know, and I thank Him, that He is very patient with me. Glad He is. At the same time, unfortunately I can be very impatient with myself as I want this part of the journey to be done with.


  1. I just noticed the top of your blog

    Lord I pray for a hedge of protection for my blog and that only the eyes that need to read this blog shall. Protect me."

    This blog is Holy Spirit inspired.


    I was thinking of what your sharing here, and with you t. It brings back so much of my own past. Stuff that I have dealt with in some ways, but in MANY ways, just shoved it down.

    Living in the same town you grow up as a child, AND a teenager...(did leave for 6 years,,either leave or literally die)..I run into my past sometimes.

    Sitting watching my son play soccer and right beside me one from my past. Those that you speak of from "They wanted something, and I let them have it. Just because. There was no dating with any of them."


    sometimes I just really sad. Sad of my childhood, sad of my teenage years so broken and what could have been...

    I try not to go down that path too often because it doesn't make it 'better'....

    I will be praying for you as you share this journey with us because I KNOW it is hard what your doing.....blessings sweet one.

  2. JBR give it time to surrender the influence of shame over to God. Once you are able to release the grip of shame upon you and let the power of your shame be placed into the hands of God, you'll see a significant turn around. God Bless.

  3. JBR,
    I lost myself too. I buried my heart so deep that only God could uncover it... which He has. Don't forget to forgive yourself, too, JBR. There will come a day when God heals you and you will have to walk away from this blog so you don't relive your past over and over. I'm glad you have another one ready and waiting for you. Once you walk away from the past to live in the present you can only go back under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Otherwise we can regress. Sometimes many years must go by before we can reopen the past and look at it through God's eyes. He has a plan for you and He will steer you to it if you trust Him. I am praying for you. I pray that God will reveal your inner beauty, the true JBR that is waiting to emerge from her shell.

  4. (((hugs))) It's so comforting to know that God loves us even when we feel shame.

  5. Praying for you dear.

  6. After abuse our boundaries are violated. Trust become a difficult thing, even with God. But He is patient with us. Believe me when I say you are going the right direction. Hugs my friend.

  7. A question came to mind as I read your post. Are you conflicted, as in, "I don't understand how God could let this happen to me?" kind of conflicted?

  8. I'm so proud of you! You are going to make it through all of this. Yes you are! You are being so courageous as you revisit all of these hurtful and deeply buried emotions from your past. I'm so glad that you have found safety in telling your t. these buried things. Layer by layer is being dug off of the top of you and soon there is going to be so much new light and hope in your world that you are just gonna fly out of that darkness and soar. I just know it.

  9. I have been absent from your blog (and everyone's) for a while. When I read you, it pushes me to see what I dont normally see, what my eyes dont want to see sometimes. The fear of being criticized, not expressing what we feel for fear of what others might think which is basically living to please others so they can like us.
    I admire that you are so honest in your t sessions, that JBR is so hard to do and so very few have the courage that you have.

  10. Thankful you have been able to open up to your therapist and on your blogs. I praise GOD for the progress you have make and will continue to make.
    Hugs, andrea

  11. JBR you're probably going through the most difficult part of your journey. The strength you gained from the start has kept you going. I'm proud of you.

  12. It's so comforting to know that God loves us even when we feel shame. I praise GOD for the progress you have make and will continue to make. I am so glad that you have found safety in telling these buried things.

  13. The retreating, avoiding, stuffing down the pain, not telling anyone what I was feeling, not knowing how I was feeling, even today it's difficult for me to express exactly what I'm feeling. Like you, I am so grateful God is patient with us on the painful journey, which is an understatement to say the least! I know He won't give up on us, and I don't want to give up on myself and have patience with the little Janie girl inside of me also. I am also grateful that you are finding a "friend" not only with your t. but with those on your blog sight that love you and are ready to listen to anything you might want to share....no matter what it is.

    You are forging on in spite of the pain. Discovering new truths/very painful ones at that. But you just keep on moving forward with God's help and love. Keep on moving on sister. love ya, Janie

  14. Oh yea, and most importantly, YOU ARE FINDING YOURSELF, slowly but surely!

  15. This looking, seeing, peeling away, is a hard, hard thing. Of course you want this part of the journey to be over. Don't you just want God to do the healing in one big rush sometimes?? But he does not for his reasons - trust his reasons, trust his heart for you is good. Learning to live in the unknown, learning to live in the chaos, learning to live in the angst!!

    I don't like it one bit!!

    Can you rest in knowing he will complete what he has begun??

    I ask myself the same question.

    Praying for peace of mind, peace of heart!


  16. I was lost and now I'm found. It has been a slow gradual process, but it has happened with trust in God. It is happening in your life too.


  17. JBR, I am so proud of you and the very brave work you do, not only in those moments with t., but in your everyday living. Despite where you've been and where you came from, the spirit of God is alive in you today. It is this spirit that gives you the courage to do this healing work you are doing. As someone who has sat in both chairs of the therapy room, I want you to know that women like you are very rare in therapy. Not everyone is so open to go into pain. I promise you, you will emerge from this. The work you are doing is very physically and emotionally taxing and I hope you are taking good care of yourself first everyday.

    I also just want to remind you, as someone who has walked through the dark night myself, shame is NEVER true. Shame is always a lie. I want to post for you a blurb I wrote after coming to a realization about this:


    God bless you, Sister!!!

  18. Thank you, thank you all for your comments!

  19. Sounds like you have a great therapist! Any chronic illness is not cured overnight. Keep on chipping away JBR.

  20. God knew about you before you did. I'm really sorry that you lost all your childhood friends and were unable to find others. It's so sad that our growing up years are so difficult.

  21. Great that we have a place to let it out, whether it's our 5th step, a therapist, or with blogging. Just got to get it out, leave the past behind and build for the future. Thanks for sharing.

  22. Yes , JBR, this is the hardest part of the journey and you can't hurry your way through it or you won't be done with it. You will one day be finished with it. Ask God to handle what you can't today. He gives us strength when we feel worn out and tired. I love the Footprints poem that says when we get too tired, He doesn't leave us alone. He picks us up and carries us until we are rested and can walk again.

  23. I didn't know who I was either when I first got into recovery. I had no clue. As you do the work, you will get yourself back.

  24. I can relate so much to this post....

  25. You have such a way with words. I found you through another blog Arise to Write. Profound things you state that I can relate as well. Broken family and the guilt I carried for all these years. I am going to follow your blog. Thanks for being real.

  26. It's very significant, i think, that you identified the point at which you "lost yourself". It happens after trauma, and maybe it is the starting point of rebuilding.


  27. I could relate to so much of what you wrote - not having any close friends, not knowing the "rules" for forming close relationships with men or women, the intensity of sharing things with my t. - it sounds like you are making great progress. I hope you give yourself pats on the back for all your hard work. :-)

  28. Thank God you stopped by for a visit. I was thinking about you and praying. You are precious.

  29. May your journey bring you peace & joy!
    It shall come!
    Joy to you in the morning!

    Margie :)