A LOST MEMORY RESURFACED

As I was lying in bed last night out of the blue, yeah right, the Lord reminded me which I have never thought about in ages, a boy who was seeing me for over a year. Now, how could I have forgotten about him?

We both were 17, before I was a Christian. I met him in Pennsylvania one summer when on one of these rare occasions my mother and step-father would take a weeks vacation in the Pocono's. I really did not like going with them, but I had no choice in the matter.

Anyway, last night I thought about him and what he was doing today and how I broke his heart. All in all, after boo-coo years, I can honestly say I hurt someone. I never have felt these feelings before until now.

I thought how very patient he was with me and kind and did not rush our relationship at all. He was from PA, but that year was going to Columbia University in New York to become a lawyer. I would take the train to meet him at his dorm on campus a couple of times. We had a lot in common, especially music. We played our guitars together and wrote songs together. We really did have fun together.

He would come see me every weekend. My mother would cook for him. We would talk on the phone. To this day, I do not know how I was such an interest to him with thinking how childish and immature my emotions were. I do not know? Baffles me.

In reflecting back to how insecure I was and all that I wanted out from life was someone to like or even love me. I had such a deep hurt inside to want to be accepted! And once when he finally did show affection, I could not handle it and soon I broke off our relationship.

I am ticked more now than then, because that day I lost a good person in my life because of my abuse.

He was severely crushed along with my mother, because she really liked him. I did too, but at the time I was in total panic and cold sweat fear, and could not handle any type of real intimacy.

My mother got on my case to why I broke off the relationship. I do not recall what excuse I used. I know I certainly did not tell her I could not handle intimacy with him. I think she was more interested in her feelings and loosing a "son" or whatever than what I was experiencing.

Okay, God, why bring this memory up now? Do I need to grieve and forgive myself that what happened and what I was experiencing was not my fault, but the result of my past. Yes.

I hid this memory for a long time, as when I think about my very few relationships I did have, I never think about this one. And this was the longest out of all of them.