"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

A LOST MEMORY RESURFACED

As I was lying in bed last night out of the blue, yeah right, the Lord reminded me which I have never thought about in ages, a boy who was seeing me for over a year. Now, how could I have forgotten about him?

We both were 17, before I was a Christian. I met him in Pennsylvania one summer when on one of these rare occasions my mother and step-father would take a weeks vacation in the Pocono's. I really did not like going with them, but I had no choice in the matter.

Anyway, last night I thought about him and what he was doing today and how I broke his heart. All in all, after boo-coo years, I can honestly say I hurt someone. I never have felt these feelings before until now.

I thought how very patient he was with me and kind and did not rush our relationship at all. He was from PA, but that year was going to Columbia University in New York to become a lawyer. I would take the train to meet him at his dorm on campus a couple of times. We had a lot in common, especially music. We played our guitars together and wrote songs together. We really did have fun together.

He would come see me every weekend. My mother would cook for him. We would talk on the phone. To this day, I do not know how I was such an interest to him with thinking how childish and immature my emotions were. I do not know? Baffles me.

In reflecting back to how insecure I was and all that I wanted out from life was someone to like or even love me. I had such a deep hurt inside to want to be accepted! And once when he finally did show affection, I could not handle it and soon I broke off our relationship.

I am ticked more now than then, because that day I lost a good person in my life because of my abuse.

He was severely crushed along with my mother, because she really liked him. I did too, but at the time I was in total panic and cold sweat fear, and could not handle any type of real intimacy.

My mother got on my case to why I broke off the relationship. I do not recall what excuse I used. I know I certainly did not tell her I could not handle intimacy with him. I think she was more interested in her feelings and loosing a "son" or whatever than what I was experiencing.

Okay, God, why bring this memory up now? Do I need to grieve and forgive myself that what happened and what I was experiencing was not my fault, but the result of my past. Yes.

I hid this memory for a long time, as when I think about my very few relationships I did have, I never think about this one. And this was the longest out of all of them.

12 comments:

  1. hmm...i think i have hurt a few people along the way myself...i dont know if this one was really your fault, you know. i'd say glean any positives and let it go back to sleep...

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  2. I realise as we get deeper into our selves, more aware of our feelings and thoughts, old, forgotten memories do surface, some good and some bad.

    But in both instances, my thoughts and attitude are different towards those people now than at that time which in turns draws me out more.
    Helps me grow I think. (not sure if I'm making sense her..)

    Awareness makes us grow stronger..

    I pray for your well-being, dear.

    BM

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  3. I feel the older we get the more we digress to our past and yes I think this is a precious gift from God. We lost our 16 year old son, Joshua, in November 2003. I treasure every memory I have of him and some pop into my mind that I didn't even remember until now.

    Enjoy the memory for it might be years before it comes back again.

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  4. The mind and soul connect and brings forth life and death in thought. The journey you've been on JBR is doing just taht. God has his plan for you. God Bless.

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  5. I'm glad you can recognize that what happened was not your fault but the result of your past, at least on an intellectual level. The key is accepting this on an emotional level as well. You are a good person, JBR. You deserve a break just like everyone else.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  6. We all have memories of things past that we wish we had handled differently...but I am a firm believer in God working ALL things for our good and for the good of those we don't even know about...so I have learned (and am still learning) to let go of mistakes of the past...to accept the lesson the Lord teaches me from it...and know that the other party involved is in God's hands...and may have needed what happened to show them something from God...

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  7. i had a similar experience. someone i finally felt completely safe and able to be myself with, back in my early twenties. i ran in the other direction. i thought he deserved better. i still feel bad about that. though i wouldn't be where i am today were it not for all the decisions that brought me to this point.

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  8. honest reflections,
    it hurts,
    does the post help you feel better?
    best of wishes!

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  9. Thank you for allowing God to work in you, and through you.

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  10. all in all that was a good memory... of someone who cared about you when you may not have cared so much about yourself. Wonder where he is now? You can always pray for him! :)

    Sonday hugs!

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  11. You were a child... no one could expect you to have mature emotions or make mature decisions.

    I'm thinking there is a lesson in that relationship that is somehow important to what you are experiencing right now... In my opinion, than to throw you into sadness or self-depreciation, God would bring this memory to you to help you.

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  12. Oh, JBR! This is one of those memories that is really painful, isn't it? Thank you for having the courage and being vulnerable in sharing this.

    I can so relate. My first boyfriend in high school was someone like this. The intimacy scared me to death. He was such a nice young man and there was really no reason for me to break up with him.

    *sigh*

    (((((((((hugs, dear JBR))))))))

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