Until I became honest with myself that I had some serious issues going on, I minimized a whole lot in my life. Including my emotions.
The fact that I even knew I was sexually abused by my brother on a number of occasions, did not bother me. Call it what it is JBR, "incest." Although I thought. Always having an excuse that what he did to me was not really that bad at all. Never putting two and two together as to why I could not carry on any type of intimate relationship later on in life with the opposite sex without severely panicking.
Before becoming a Christian, I recall on some dates how I felt the blood just drain from my body and I would break out in a cold sweat from sheer fear when things were hot and heavy.
What I was experiencing at the time besides fear and panic, but had no words for was anxiety, shame and despair. My mind was so distorted. I believed I was not normal. Something mentally was wrong with me. What would my date think? I thought I was going to die. I felt I could not escape. I felt overpowered. I would become physically sick. Why could I not follow through? Duh.
My fears and self protection blocked what was truth. I so desired to be loved and have the ability to give it back. But could not because of what was done to me.
It irks me now when I hear or read about someone quoting, "yeah, but the abuse only happened one time to you." That is all it takes. Only one time. One time can equal a life time for many of us.
God's intention was for me to feel valued and to feel loved and be able to respond and give love in a healthy relationship.
As I continue through t. the fears that are brought out into the light that have distorted my thinking in not only intimate relationships but relationships in general have and continue to produce healing.
Right now it is easier for my mind to receive God's healing. Then one day in my heart. Same with God's love. Right now it easier to penetrate my mind. Slowly though, His love is making its way down to my heart.
I am believing that once His love finds my heart when I am open to receiving, I will be able to see myself in a new light. Compassion in its fullness will move in. Understanding myself as well as others will become clearer. And joy will settle snuggly within me. All in the realm of His love.
.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!
It's so hard to change, to face your fears, to work through them, to see yourself changing...
ReplyDeleteI am SO proud of you for everything you have done and are doing in your journey.
One day, you will hit that point. You will heal. I remember it being like God's finger on my shoulder.
In the meantime, please know you are not alone. I minimized so much as well. SO MUCH. I hid from it.
There IS peace at the end of the tunnel. It just takes a long time to walk in the darkness to get to it.
Minimizing is a way we cope with what happened. The effect it has on all our relationship is great. I believe God is healing you. (me too-but very slowly) You have come such a long way. I just know you are going to be whole.
ReplyDeleteYour testimony will bring freedom to many others. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThough [the abused child] perceives herself as abandoned to a power without mercy, she must find a way to preserve hope and meaning. The alternative is utter despair, something no child can bear…By virtue of these defenses, the abuse is either walled off from conscious awareness and memory, so that it did not really happen, or minimalized, rationalized, and excused, so that whatever did happen was not really abuse. Unable to escape or alter the unbearable reality in fact, the child alters it in her mind. ~ Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery, pp. 101-102
ReplyDeleteJBR I know you know God can heal all wounds. Whatever the abuse we may have suffered. I read somewhere an abusive earthly father can be traded for a heavenly father. Where you'll eventually learn to love yourself and receieve the healing that your getting now. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteGod created you as a strong person. You are stretching your boundaries and discovering your inner strength was so much more than you thought! Amazing! Keep up the good work JBR!
ReplyDeleteIt will not always seem so dark, the Light will shine for you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. Thank you for being so transparent. Though all of us don't share the same struggles -- there is still a common theme of trusting God with our hurts, fears, etc ... and allowing Him to renew our minds. It is quite a process.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you!
Beth
"Yeah, but the abuse only happened one time." I can't believe people ever say such a thing! No one would tell a person that was shot, "Yeah, well you only got shot once. Being paralyzed is no big deal." No one would ever say that- but they think it's okay if someone was sexually abused just once? Sexual abuse paralyzes a person too. Because the wound is not as obvious physically doesn't mean that the damage isn't as severe. My mother was raped when she was six years old, she is seventy-one now and still carries this pain though God has done much healing in her life.
ReplyDeleteThe pain is very real for all victims of sexual abuse. I can understand why a child may minimize their own abuse (a protective device so they can function) but no one else has a right to minimize someone else's pain. It seems to me that ignorant remarks like that would ADD to the person's pain.
God bless you, JBR. You are very brave and honest to confront these things head-on.
Hang in their Just be Real...your work will pay off...
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to what you are saying, so I am learning. I can see God's hand on you and working in you. I think you are brave in acknowledging and confronting this.
ReplyDeleteYou are fearfully & wonderfully made!
ReplyDelete(God said so).
LJ