Since I am still on my journey through becoming real I can only say thus far what I have been and what I am still now and what I want still to change.
All though my life, along with many of us, we covered up our hurts and pain with masks. Put on a performance that "everything is just fine" in life. JBR has a handle on everything. A lot of my cover up was conforming to whatever anyone wanted me to be. I had no identity. My identity was what I perceived others wanted from me.
But in reality I was so dead and depressed inside and when I did not have to be exposed to people I would retreat within the safe four walls of my bedroom.
Can you believe that. My life literally existed within the confines of my bedroom. Very sad. But at the time very very very painfully real. Even alone by myself, the masks would not come off because I was so used to faking and had a sick outlet to deal with my pain not even knowing I was doing that and that was going off into my la-la land of fantasy for years and years in my mind in order to cope and survive. Brrrrrr brings chills up and down my spine just thinking how detached I was from the world.
The devotional shares how hard we work to faking life when we do not face our pain and fears. Facing my shame, which I am still in the process of, is one of the hardest for me.
God does not ask us to be perfect. I too am still in the process of accepting that fact. God wants us to be merciful to ourselves, as He is to us! That is really hard. We can STOP shaming and condemning ourselves, because God does not condemn or shame us.
I am going to use the words that I have trouble speaking and applying now, but is of truth and my ultimate goal to healing and that is.....
God loves us and God loves me.
The love of God can only heal me.
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn
what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to
call the righteous, but sinners." Matthew 9:12
One of the most remarkable features of the human condition is our capacity to pretend that we are healthy when our lives are in total chaos.
We work hard to cover up our problems and flaws in our character. We will sacrifice almost anything to keep from facing the truth about ourselves. We work this hard to look good because we experience our human needs, limits and failures with deep shame - a shame that drives us to strive harder and harder to look better and better. We sacrifice our serenity, our relationships, our sanity on the altar of perfectionism. We also sacrifice any possibility of getting the help we need by continuing to insist that "we can handle it."
God does not ask such sacrifices from us. God has no need for us to be perfect. Jesus speaks to us gently but very clearly about this issue. He confronts our pretense, shame and perfectionistic strivings. He says in effect "you do not have to sacrifice yourself in this way. You do not have to drive yourself like this. I desire mercy, not sacrifice. I want you to learn to be mercy-full to yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. It will free you to accept your need of healing. It will allow you to acknowledge your longing for me."
Jesus was saying "I did not come to pass out blue ribbons to the people who have all the answers and have worked hard to prove themselves. I came to bring hope and healing to people who know they need help." We can stop shaming and condemning ourselves because God does not shame or condemn us. God knows our brokenness, our pain, our need. We can give up our attempts to prove ourselves and acknowledge our need for help and healing.
Lord, I don't want to be needy.
I want to be strong for you.
But, I can't sustain the pretense any longer
I have nothing to show for all my efforts to look good.
All I have done is shut you out of my life.
Today I acknowledge my need for you, Lord.
I need your healing and your forgiveness.
I am not healthy.
I need a doctor.
I need you.
Amen.
Do not worry so much, you are not alone. God know and never abandon you as He knows every heart. Draw His strength and put off your mask bravely and He will with you to conquer the reality, no matter what situation you are in.
ReplyDeletemany times we roject how we feel about ourselves onto God...thinking we are unlovable we dont believe anyone can love us. yet in all of that He does...
ReplyDeleteAmen JBR. Keep working at your healing. The love will eventually come. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteadmiting there is a problem, realising which one is the first step into healing, you already are many steps ahead of that, you are for sure loved, my dear; hugs.
ReplyDeleteI like this devotional from the Ryan's. Meaning is deep. Sweetie hugs to you always.
ReplyDeleteIt is during that moment of brokenness that God does his best work.
ReplyDeleteI like the new look of your blog. Have a great weekend.
I like your new look.....
ReplyDeleteVery powerful devotional! I pray it touches many who are in pain and hiding.
Blessings,
Tammy
i never thought i had a mask, or that i was in any sort of denial or habit of pretending or hiding my pain. but lately i've realized that everytime i say "i'm fine" when i'm not, i'm engaging in hiding my pain to try not to be any trouble or upset other people. it's no good for me or my relationships. i wish you all the best as you practice compassion and acceptance for yourself. it is important we feel those things for healing. that we learn we are lovable "as is" ~ wishing you peaceful healing JBR. thank you for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteoh, and i love your new blog look. very peaceful~~~
It is so wonderful to see how God is working in you and freeing you to be YOU.
ReplyDeleteOnce again this reminds me of the children's book "The Velveteen Rabbit when Skin Horse tells rabbit how you become real:
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
There will always be those people who don't understand, but God knows you through and through and is cheering for you as you continue shedding the masks and become your beautiful self that He created with precision and for a special purpose. Keep believing in you. I do!!
Hugs,
Lee Ann
I'm glad you have come out of your room to write for us. But I think you did what you needed to do to survive, and for that you should not be ashamed or hard on yourself. Surviving life circumstances is a lot harder than some people give it credit for.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
Everything will be ok.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the devotional and one I needed to read...thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete