Something interesting happened yesterday.
In t. my t. got up really fast to demonstrate something we were talking about and approached me quickly while I was sitting and she standing. My automatic response was fear and feeling threaten. I quickly put my hands up in defense. I know in the past I have felt this way in other situations as well. We both questioned my behavior asking God to reveal the root.
At the time I could not quite put my finger on why I reacted that way. Until I got in my car to leave then it "hit" me. When my mother would "hit" or "beat" me it would be rapid and I recall now putting my arms up in defense to ward off her blows. I cringe now as I type and envision one of those painful beatings. She would come at me fast in her "fit of fury." Overpower me. I remember recoiling and being so very little.
I understand that feeling. I have similar memories. Hugs to you as you make sense of that memory in terms of how to go forward with wholeness in your adult life. It isn't easy I know.
ReplyDeleteperhaps in knowing this it will help in your journey...
ReplyDeleteJBR I'm sorry. Many have been locked into self-destructive patterns.
ReplyDeleteYou know JBR by listening to you and other survivor’s stories, I have the opportunity to become whole and to heal in my own life. God Bless.
Keep working toward your joy. Don't give up no matter how difficult the journey. I have been keeping you in my prayers. Hugs. Tammy
ReplyDeleteSweetie this post broughtme to tears. My heart goes out to your pain and revelation. May God clearly heal your pain and bring restoration.
ReplyDeleteBitter moments yet Big JBR could look at the root of it and now can sooth and comfort Little JBR. Ensuring her that NOW it is not going to happen anymore, you are both safe. Love to you
ReplyDeleteso sorry to hear you suffered this way, jbr. no child ever deserves to be hit. those triggers can surprise us sometimes, but then they help us understand where we've been. i hope that you are safe in your life now. and that no one will ever hurt you again.
ReplyDeletewishing you peace~~~
I am so sorry you have such painful memories. ((((JBR))))))
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about remembering the past hurt...Praying as the Lord exposes the deeper wounds, they will be healed in no time. His perfect time! God bless and be strong in His power.
ReplyDeleteBE stong. You Are powerful. Oscar
ReplyDeleteBecause of your past experiences it is understandable that you would react that way. But remember: not everyone wants to hurt you. There are good people out in the world, too. But sometimes that's hard to see.
ReplyDelete(((JBR)))
Wishing you well,
NOS
Hello my sister in Christ,
ReplyDeleteI was verbally abused as a child, never hit. However, the words sting just as much. However, sometimes when my Mom chooses her old defense of the verbal abuse, I say, "I wish you just would have hit me!" However, I can't say what it feels like for you or any other person that was physically hurt. I just know that words hurt too. But to say that I would have wanted something physcial is not really fair. My therapist thinks the reason I say that is because I wish I had bumps and bruises to show the world. Something tangiable! Anyway, I really feel for you and pray for the healing from the scars of abuse. I still battle with not feeling adequate and I know it's hard. But it's good you learned something in therapy.
Hugs with blessings,
Amanda
Oh your words brought back the hits I got from my father...I was so small too. I do feel for you.
ReplyDeleteMy mother would be yelling to stop it...
kim
Oh, so truly sorry for this painful memory...but hopeful that new and better memories of love and freedom will start to crowd out these hurtful ones...
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, JBR! I found your comment on my page a few days ago, but was not up to looking further. Now I find your most touching and painful, yet hopeful blog. I am so moved by your generous thoughtfulness in taking time to leave words of kindness for me in this difficult time for me. Especially when you must fight your pain at what can be the most unexpected moments.
ReplyDeleteI am inspired by you and all of your fellow writers and readers for sharing this most intimate and excruciating pain. My heart and more importantly my prayers go out to each of you. May you find strength, comfort, and peace and feel His presence throughout your healing process. And, I so pray for your healing.
Thank you,
CJ
Each memory recalled and dealt with, brings us that much closer to healing and restoration! I know! :> )
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray for you, sweet JBR!
Blessings~
Laura
That is so sad. As parents we can be quick to anger but we have no reason to hit. Sometimes a spank on the bottom but that's it. So how do you learn not to react in that way? Hope she can help you through this.
ReplyDeleteBIG HUGS,
ReplyDeleteandrea
I too have painful memories from my childhood. My parents didn't hit me as much as they did to my two brothers. I actually had a dream this past week with similar images: my brother being physically punished. And I woke up shaking in distress. Then I called my brother, and he said: "I'm glad to hear you, I thought you didn't love me anymore!" and laughed. I told him about the dream. He was astonished.
ReplyDeleteDoris
I'm so sorry this happened to you as a child. No child deserves that. How delighted I am that Jesus is reaching down to heal your heart, and using you to help others heal. He is a redeemer.
ReplyDeleteMay your mother find His peace, too.
Jen
Audience of ONE
I'm sorry that your past contained so much pain, JBR. I wonder if parents who do stuff like this realize the damage that they cause? Perhaps not fully as often they are hurting deep inside themselves. Sometimes entire families need God's healing upon them before they can relate to each other in a healthy way. I am glad that you are growing stronger and that you have a close relationship with the Lord. He is our peace.
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteIt is so touching when I watch a family that is filled with love for one another, especially for the children. It brings back memories of my beatings as a child.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you JBR. You will never know how much your words help.