In t. today, I was really bummed out.
My mind was flitting everywhere.
Few topics were discussed:
Things have been heating up with the confrontations I have been having with my mum. Despite the emotional pain for me, it has been encouraging. The controlling issues with my mum are surfacing more and things are heating up each time she tries to control me. But, there is victory at every level.
Secondly, what has been an issue with me for the longest time now, but I finally shared today in t., is at any time when I am overwhelmed and vulnerable, the enemy sees fit to also throw my way memories of the effects of my sexual abuse. He distorts my thinking. Distorts what sex is really about. Brings on fears (some legit because of the abuse) and panic. Having me to believe that there will never be any hope for me in this area to have a satisfying relationship with the opposite sex.
Thirdly, the continued fear of man and being judged.
Finally, that JBR gets excited about her accomplishments and victories. Not that she is not. But to express the excitement and to know that she is entitled to feeling it.
The aforementioned follows with what I was able to put into words today.....
When my heart and mind do connect ever so briefly, whether for an "a-ha" moment or "confirmation of a understanding, or accomplishment" the sensation feels like an explosion or some kind of rush. Boom! It is so quick, then "poof" it is gone. I cannot contain the moment. That is probably why it is hard for me to express my excitement. My flesh fears and still holds on to being protected. But when the Holy Spirit gets involved, then my flesh is over ridden and my heart and mind connect. Cannot wait for the day when the connection last more than a millisecond.
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Love that quote at the end. They are some wise words. I feel the same often. The moments in which my heart and mind connect are amazing. I too was sexually abused and I am still in therapy about it. I am doing so much better than I was, but sometimes I get impatient. I wish I was all the way healed already. It is nice to come here and read your words and know that others are traveling along their paths. Thanks for sharing and I hope you have a great rest of your day (or night as the case may be where you live :)
ReplyDeleteYou're going through a lot of growing and healing and it's so wonderful to see. The Holy Spirit is always with you. Our Lord will never leave you.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Lyn
God is really opening up some doors for you to venture out in JBR. In time his healing will touch your painful areas that are not ready to be dealt with yet. Take it one step at a time. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteJust continue to follow His leading JBR! Keeping you in prayers and thank you for your encouragement and prayers, too. I'm feeling a lot better by God's grace. Be strong in the Lord's mighty power!
ReplyDelete"I cannot contain the moment."
ReplyDeleteI lived every moment of my life like that
for years and I can tell you that it will
change. It has changed for me.
Still not where i'm going.
But the difference is real.
And the changes in you already are REAL ones.
I love your realness, JBR.
Real love,
Jennifer
sounds like you had a good day in therapy if you were able to get it into words...keep walking it straight...
ReplyDeleteYou are getting there and each day you become more of what you were meant to be. Your growth is amazing. Keep going to therapy and standing in the strength of the Lord. You will overcome. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThat would be wonderful and I will pray for that to come to you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're going through a lot right now. I'm glad you're discussing these things with your therapist. You're getting help, and that's fantastic.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
Trauma and trust! Where is trauma there is no trust. On the end we can not believe, hold on, trust that we deserve it, not even trust that we ever would, nor that we are able to contain such moments for longer. Our innate trust got broken, it takes time and tiny little steps to establish trust. To believe in it, to hold on and savour these moments. Was a big topic this entire week at the trauma center. It is getting better, very slowly, but better.
ReplyDeleteHugs to the anxious Little Girl and thump up to the Big One.
You are healing sis, love you.
ReplyDelete