In t. yesterday we touched on if I was ready enough to face my deepest pain and fears.
As much as I desire and I DO DESIRE, to be healed and step into freedom, there is the element of uncertainty and fear. Not so much with my t. but with God. Fear of being rejected, judged, criticized if I express emotions, i.e. crying and feeling the pain.
I will be in prayer. First looking at my Heavenly Father as just that, my Heavenly Father. Not as my "earthly father." Not as my "earthly father" who did not allow emotions or criticize if shown.
Putting two and two together now, the times I do find myself crying alone as I journey on believing my tears are only seen by God, but then finding myself thinking about my "earthly" father when alone crying, I will usually stop and regain my composure.
As an adult in my late 20's remembering a incident with my father which he had me in tears. I tried oh so very hard not to cry and show how hurt he made me. I could not hold back. He just kept on criticizing and reprimanding me which cut to the bone. HURT so very badly. It was like his knife stabbing words just bulldozed over my pain. Which now explains the following as well.....
I can recall "one" time my father crying or shedding a tear. And that was when I was around 6 or 7. Remembering pretty vividly we were at a memorial service at the church I grew up in. Just he and I. I think he was babysitting me. As it was only the two of us from our family. I remember we were standing and I was to his left looking up at him and questioning his tears. He quickly said something to me that shut me down that day. The rest of the time my father was a very depressed man. Never saw him cry again after that day.
So, however long it may take, asking God to prepare my heart to be willing, open and receptive in the next coming days, weeks, months for my breakthrough I will pursue.
I do not take lightly what lies ahead. I know there will be fear and pain.
Praying for you at this time. Keep on believing : there is a way through this. God bless you. C
ReplyDeleteAsking the Lord
ReplyDeleteto enable you to absorb
the love and care poured out
and know you don't walk alone.
Never, ever alone.
With you,
Jen
JBR facing the past is not an easy task. Remember which I know you do that God is right along side of you. He knows your pain ahead of time and know just how much you can take. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteHi JBR,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry my commenting has been more scarce than usual-- I have been so tired that I could barely form a thought!
But anyway, I know you are going through some tough times right now. And by "through" I mean "through". I believe the only way to lessen the pain is to work through it and not side-step it, and this is exactly what you are doing. I know facing your pain is extremely scary, but I think the rewards for you will be extremely worth it. I believe in you and your recovery!
Wishing you well,
NOS
Yes I only saw my father cry at a funeral. I think men were taught to cry is weak? Some still feel that way...
ReplyDeletekim
it will be...but i pray you are given the grace and strength to walk through it...
ReplyDeleteYou will get through this. I can see through your journey how you are willing to open yourself enough to heal. Hesitation, sure. Who wants to chance at vulnerability when before you met nothing but pain from those who should have tried to shield and prepare you for life. Don't you get to the point though to where you say, "You know what...?" You have sooo much life in you to enjoy. To give and receive. Be encouraged.
ReplyDeleteJBR you are really working on your healing. I know you shall have it and the peace that comes with healing.
ReplyDeleteKEEP CHIPPING AWAY AT THE MOLD THAT SURROUNDS YOUR HEART. THE MORE YOU DO THE MORE FREEDOM YOU WILL EXPERIENCE.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are back blogging and healing. You have been in my prayers daily. God, our heavenly father, will never fail you. Asking for His blessings on you.
ReplyDeleteyou're a fighter JBR>..an amazing fighter. ☺
ReplyDeleteJBR: I know you are brave enough to handle this, but you don't have to do it in one fell swoop. I think you and God are taking down your wall one brick at a time, together.
ReplyDeleteWe can express all of our emotions to God without fear. In the Psalms, David cries out to the Lord in anger, fear, frustration, sorrow, joy - he doesn't hold back and neither do we need to. You were taught that certain emotions were "unacceptable" but the truth is that God is the one who created you WITH these emotions and certainly understands them. After all, we are humans, not robots. He doesn't even mind if you yell at Him, JBR. I've had many "meltdowns" before the Lord. And you know what? He loves his cranky children too :)
ReplyDeleteif you pursue wholeness - facing the fear and enduring the pain - healing WILL come! It's a given. The fear begins to vanish as we step out in faith - believing and trusting that God is who He says that He is. He will carry you through each step! I don't doubt that your VICTORY will come!
ReplyDeleteHave a blessed weekend
Patrina <")>><