PAINFUL LITTLE EARS

I have never viewed myself as a controlling person. My idea of "controlling person" is someone who is trying to literally control the other person, i.e. my mum controlling me with her opinions outweighing mine, getting her way, not letting me learn the simplest things, having me call daily, etc.

Interesting twist in t. yesterday. I was describing, and even to this day, how I would hide or be in earshot of something or someone where I would have to know what is going on. All behind the scenes though. Never letting on that I was listening.

For some reason in my child like mind even back then I had to know what was going on. Somehow feel important and not be left out. But the irony of the whole thing was I never desired telling anyone at all what I overheard. For some reason just by my own self finding out things, painful thing, satisfied me enough. Weird. No glory. No nothing. Just me knowing. That is how I was as a child. And how I am today.

As a child, when my parents would yell and scream at one another, I would most of the time find myself hiding behind the nearest wall unbeknown to them. Running my finger up and down the wall as I stood behind it. Tears streaming down my face. Never whimpering. Did not want to be found out. More than likely blaming myself for what I heard. My little ears taking in all of "their" pain which reached at the time the core of my heart. My heart was much freer back then. But quickly the disease of pain took over.

Some other incidents come to mind. I recall being in the bushes under a window. Listening to endless conversations of family members. Or on many occasions, sitting on the edge of the claw foot bathtub by an open widow in my grandmother's bathroom which was right outside by an orange tree where my father and her (his mother) would discuss almost weekly the situation at home with he and my mum. Kind of remembering him saying, "things were not going well." He even saying, "she wants a divorce." As I sat in that bathroom, all of 8 or 9 years old, a lump in my throat feeling very sad and crying. Seems I did all my crying in secret. I Never ever discussed what I heard on our drives back home with my father. Never.

I just processed on my own as "a child" and probably to this day processing still "as a child" to some degree. Because obviously what occurred many years ago, I still struggle with today.

Why I chose to do the listening in secret I do not know? Protection? Fear?

What I learned yesterday by me "hiding" to this day, whether listening around the corner at work, or making some excuse to get within earshot of a conversation that I am perceiving could be about me, this is where I run into trouble. It is the "having to have to." It is like an addiction. A control thing. I must know!!! Always thinking the worst. Again going back to the "child processing" and not fully understanding. Since t. these feelings are being brought to light more. With more understanding to my misconceived belief system.

My misconstrued mind set is what drives me to this day. That is what gets me into my emotional tailspins. That is what brings on unhealthy relationships. That is what many a time makes me perceive things that are NOT always there. Thinking the worst. I am Not saying that there are not times that I am understanding correctly. A lot of the time I am pretty accurate. But, I am finding out more and more now as I go through and feel emotionally as much as I am able and talk out my pain just how my thinking has been affected by my past. That my perception can be off.

In concluding with an A-ha moment, the words, the anger, the pain I heard behind those walls with my parents I believe contributed as well to me feeling some kind of abandonment or rejection even today. Associating what I heard those times in secret, eventually ended painfully bad. I can see how I perceive this today. Associating the bad pain. Only difference, I give the appearance I am a lot older on the outside. But on the inside, I am still the same 8 or 9 year old fearing rejection or abandonment.