"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, March 18, 2011


I have never viewed myself as a controlling person. My idea of "controlling person" is someone who is trying to literally control the other person, i.e. my mum controlling me with her opinions outweighing mine, getting her way, not letting me learn the simplest things, having me call daily, etc.

Interesting twist in t. yesterday. I was describing, and even to this day, how I would hide or be in earshot of something or someone where I would have to know what is going on. All behind the scenes though. Never letting on that I was listening.

For some reason in my child like mind even back then I had to know what was going on. Somehow feel important and not be left out. But the irony of the whole thing was I never desired telling anyone at all what I overheard. For some reason just by my own self finding out things, painful thing, satisfied me enough. Weird. No glory. No nothing. Just me knowing. That is how I was as a child. And how I am today.

As a child, when my parents would yell and scream at one another, I would most of the time find myself hiding behind the nearest wall unbeknown to them. Running my finger up and down the wall as I stood behind it. Tears streaming down my face. Never whimpering. Did not want to be found out. More than likely blaming myself for what I heard. My little ears taking in all of "their" pain which reached at the time the core of my heart. My heart was much freer back then. But quickly the disease of pain took over.

Some other incidents come to mind. I recall being in the bushes under a window. Listening to endless conversations of family members. Or on many occasions, sitting on the edge of the claw foot bathtub by an open widow in my grandmother's bathroom which was right outside by an orange tree where my father and her (his mother) would discuss almost weekly the situation at home with he and my mum. Kind of remembering him saying, "things were not going well." He even saying, "she wants a divorce." As I sat in that bathroom, all of 8 or 9 years old, a lump in my throat feeling very sad and crying. Seems I did all my crying in secret. I Never ever discussed what I heard on our drives back home with my father. Never.

I just processed on my own as "a child" and probably to this day processing still "as a child" to some degree. Because obviously what occurred many years ago, I still struggle with today.

Why I chose to do the listening in secret I do not know? Protection? Fear?

What I learned yesterday by me "hiding" to this day, whether listening around the corner at work, or making some excuse to get within earshot of a conversation that I am perceiving could be about me, this is where I run into trouble. It is the "having to have to." It is like an addiction. A control thing. I must know!!! Always thinking the worst. Again going back to the "child processing" and not fully understanding. Since t. these feelings are being brought to light more. With more understanding to my misconceived belief system.

My misconstrued mind set is what drives me to this day. That is what gets me into my emotional tailspins. That is what brings on unhealthy relationships. That is what many a time makes me perceive things that are NOT always there. Thinking the worst. I am Not saying that there are not times that I am understanding correctly. A lot of the time I am pretty accurate. But, I am finding out more and more now as I go through and feel emotionally as much as I am able and talk out my pain just how my thinking has been affected by my past. That my perception can be off.

In concluding with an A-ha moment, the words, the anger, the pain I heard behind those walls with my parents I believe contributed as well to me feeling some kind of abandonment or rejection even today. Associating what I heard those times in secret, eventually ended painfully bad. I can see how I perceive this today. Associating the bad pain. Only difference, I give the appearance I am a lot older on the outside. But on the inside, I am still the same 8 or 9 year old fearing rejection or abandonment.


  1. You are doing some really difficult inner work. It's so hard to look inside and look back and try to figure out why we do what we do. I so admire your honesty JBR. Love that little child within.

  2. I can so SO relate, JBR.
    I did the same thing as a kid
    and am learning slowly how to live
    out of the tree of life
    rather than that old tree of the
    KNOWLEDGE of good and evil.
    Silly to think that knowledge can
    protect and save us from more pain.
    But it's just how a kid thinks.
    When we get wounded, we just keep
    living out of the wrong tree
    and our perspective gets hacked.
    So grateful the Holy Spirit is teaching
    us how to live out of HIS tree,
    His spirit,
    His life,
    instead of what we can construct with
    the facts we gather.
    Whew.....isn't grace amazing!
    Love you,

  3. This is really deep stuff.It made me cry to think of that little girl's heart breaking as she listened to her parents.I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you can take this and bring it into the "now" and that you will find peace.JBR, you are a good person.

  4. JBR,
    It's hard not to cry while reading this. Definitely an AHA! moment but very sad, also.

    Heavenly Father,
    I ask you today to touch JBR in a special way. Place your hand upon her broken heart and heal these childhood wounds that make her suffer so much. Your WORD says "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened unto you" and in faith I ask you today to set JBR free. Pour your healing love upon her and grant her the peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray this in the mighty name of Jesus, The King of Mercy, who obtained this great gift of peace for JBR through his death and resurrection. Amen


  6. JBR you are really working hard on your healing. Sometimes learning "things" about ourselves is hard, but part of the healing process. I will pray that God will touch your aching heart and bring the recovery you so desperately desire. You are so worth the time it takes to heal from the abuse. Hugs my friend.

  7. I was so scared when my parents fought also. I wonder if parents ever realize how their kids feel?? Hope you are healing

  8. it's hard to think that what we as parents do to or in front of our children can last a lifetime...I want so much to give my kids beauty...faith...love and never the things you shared or what I lived. Stay strong JBR...He'll never let go of you....never.

  9. I, too, struggle with thinking bad thoughts and thinking things will only get worse. But, you know, sometimes God brings good into our lives. And that's what I need to be thinking about. Happy thoughts to you today.

  10. I can relate to a lot of what you have said here, especially the "needing to know" part. My sister A used to work at an OCD clinic and she told me that there's a name for the condition of having to know everything: information hoarding. It's not the most flattering of names, but I think it's appropriate (at least in my case-- I don't want to speak for you!). We amass information because in some way it comforts us and calms some sort of anxiety. Even if that information is painful to us.

    It's great that you've identified this trait in yourself. If it's something you want to change, then now you have the ability to do so. Self-discovery is really empowering sometimes.

    Wishing you well,

  11. It's really wonderful to make those connections with our past, seeing how it influences our present. I also tend to think the worst, when really I don't know.

    Here listening JBR. :-)

  12. I can somewhat relate, my parents used to verbally fight it seemed almost all the time. So to this day I cannot stand to be around someone who is in a verbal argument, and I too have a lot of the same emotions that you have described here, but thanks to our Lord Jesus I am getting a bit better!