It is not easy to accept and believe good things about myself. Although by God's grace and the trusted people(s) He has put in my path to guide me, I am improving.
I was brought up in a negative alcoholic atmosphere. Significance was hard to find. My father was not there for me emotionally. He would criticize and shame me for something I was not able to do or expected to do at my age. Frustrating him. Talking to me in a condescending way or belittling me. He did not even have to say anything to me. He had a way of just looking at me. His eyes searing right to my little girls heart. Breaking it each time I disappointed him. I felt I was never good enough for him. At the same time my mum would not let me learn basic things, i.e. cooking, cleaning, washing, grocery shopping, going on jobs interviews, etc. Usually pulling something out of my reach or speaking for me saying she would do it because she could not trust me with the responsibility. Never giving me the chance to prove myself.
I was 26 before I even learned how to drive. My dad gave me one quick lesson in a shopping center parking lot and then went on his merry way. He had no patience. I really wanted to learn from my father. But, at the same time I was fearful of his demeaning me. So, the bulk of my lessons came from my mum. You can just imagine how that went.
So I lived with confusion. Mixed signals. Even today I can find myself weighing certain things that I am confronted with. Fearful of the choices I may make. Whether I am capable and worthy to even attempt something without feeling shame or inferior.
“And he (that is, John the Baptist) will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children. And the hearts of the children to their fathers.” Malachi 4:6
JBR: do things for yourself, how you would like to have them done. One of these days those critical voices demanding impossible perfection will disappear and never return...((JBR))
ReplyDeleteJust checking in on you. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI keep you in my prayers.
Love and many blessings.
JBR, just look at who you are now and how far you've come. I know that it's painful and there are many scars, but you can look at it all and see right through it. You have become amazing! You are so right in looking to Scripture for wisdom.
ReplyDeleteAndie
It blows my mind how you parents sound like how my mom was to me. I feel like Im reading my own words that you wrote! If there were no words I was given dirty looks and it would last days.
ReplyDeleteI so understand. makes me sick inside to think that our parents and other parents out there are like this. Its so good for you to get it out and it helps every time you do. I write in a journal to let it out and it helps but it hurts to write it too. We just have to remember that they are (were) the sick ones, not us. We cant let the Devil win or let our parents win. We have to prove them wrong and say WE CAN AND WILL DO IT whatever it may be.
you are special, and worthy and i would love to see you try those things you want to do...maybe something little at first but then to embrace ti....
ReplyDeleteYIKES JBR YIKES. YOU'VE COME A VERY LONG WAY FROM WHAT I'VE READ. PARENTS ALOT OF THE TIME HAVE NO IDEA HOW DAMAGING THERE WORDS ARE. GOOD YOU'VE A GOD IN THE HEAVENS THAT UNDERSTANDS YOUR PAIN AND WHERE YOUR COMING FROM. KEEP CENSORING THOSE NEGATIVE WORDS.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to grow up in such a negative
ReplyDeleteatmosphere. Because Of God's grace you are accepted, significant, and loved unconditionally.I am praying you can learn to believe this about yourself. He is risen indeed!
JBR you have come so far and are continuing to grow daily. Rest in His arms and let Him bring more changes in your belief about yourself.
ReplyDeleteHi JBR,
ReplyDeleteI pray you had a blessed Easter Sunday and have a blessed day.
I too strugle with the choices I should make. Should I or shouldn't I?
Ken
JBR what a picture. That picture says a thousand words. If that little girl was anything like you in the picture, shows how much you were trying to get you father's attention. I'm sorry you had such a stifle life and learning or not learning things late. You hang in there girl. You are totally worth it! God Bless.
ReplyDeleteThat is so sad. My mother drank and my father worked evenings. No one was ever really there for me but I know they loved me and they didn't belittle me. I am so sorry that happened to you.
ReplyDeleteI know my husband, learning from his father, is very critical about beauty & weight. I do believe this affected our daughter with her BDD.
Having had an alcoholic father who is also bipolar I very much understand the pain and anguish that is inflicted upon children being raised in this type of environment, JBR, and my heart goes out to you. I also know that God is greater than our pain and suffering and never stops healing us. Yes, I still live with some confusion but the past does not "pinch" me to the degree it once did and I have great hope that the "Lover of my soul" will continue this healing work in me. And He will surely complete his work in you, too. After all, He doesn't leave things unfinished.
ReplyDeleteHugs!!
I think you are an incredibly independent and strong person. And with the way you were brought up it sounds like that it's been no easy feat to get to where you are today. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. We CAN overcome our upbringing. It's difficult, but possible.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
I know this dance so well but breaking it with my kids...I never want them to know that empty painful place of not being good enough. Hugs to you jbr
ReplyDeleteOh JBR. How hard. Just know that you are SO significant to your Father in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteDid yuou live in my house >? I swear you did. My paerents were similar and would criticise every things I did. This hleps me to know Im not the only one.
ReplyDelete