Still processing today's session. But, wanted to blog before memory fails me.
I tell you when you least expect something, God "shows up." He showed up with providing yet another painful memory He wanted me to work on today. Something I thought was quite normal.....but was not.
That is how it usually works and why God made very good therapists. To help show you things you cannot see yourself.
Our session began when I relayed to my t. how very sad I was with learning the passing of Davy Jones from The Monkees.
I grew up on The Monkees. I even saw Davy and Mickey with Boyce and Hart in concert in 1977 after The Monkees disbanded in 1970. I have always had a special place in my heart for them and have most of their CD's.
Anyway, I proceeded to tell my t. nonchalantly about a time when I was 8. The Monkees first album came out around the time of my 8th birthday. I begged my dad for that album for my birthday. He got it. I knew about it. To this day I can recall seeing the album with the cute boys pictures on front leaning against the mirror in my parent's bedroom. I knew that album was going to be mine in a couple of days!! I was excited!!! It was not even wrapped.
So, a couple of days before my birthday, I did something to my dad that he got very angry with me. I peeked at him taking a shower. Mind you I am 8. He saw me and said in anger that I would not receive that album on my birthday!
The news devastated me big time! Not many things in life I get excited about. I have been hurt too many times. I learned not to expect much. That is why it is hard for me to accept someone who wants to do nice things for me and really mean it. No strings attached. But, I am getting better.
So when my dad declined the gift for my birthday, it hurt! Not did it only hurt, it brought on tremendous amount of shame and guilt. My dad shamed me and scolded me.
My dad as most you know, did not spend much time with me growing up and basically would ridicule and criticize. So naturally in my mind's eye I deserved this punishment! I was Bad! I should have known better. Shame on me! How dare you. After all you are only 8 you should know better!!! He put fear into little JBR's heart.
I was told today that what my dad did to me was not very nice. He withheld something I was looking forward to receiving but used it as leverage to teach me a lesson in his fury. I was only eight years old! I did not know any better. My dad did not know how to work out of "love." He only knew how to criticize, judge, and respond in anger. (Hmmmmmm...... sounds like someone I know......."Me.")
Today, I was reassured that the punishment was NOT justified.
Huh? How could that be? All these years I believed I did something wrong.
But today, I learned "I did NOTHING wrong!!"
B-t-w- the picture is not me. Found it on the internet. But pretty darn close.
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!