Still processing today's session. But, wanted to blog before memory fails me.
I tell you when you least expect something, God "shows up." He showed up with providing yet another painful memory He wanted me to work on today. Something I thought was quite normal.....but was not.
That is how it usually works and why God made very good therapists. To help show you things you cannot see yourself.
Our session began when I relayed to my t. how very sad I was with learning the passing of Davy Jones from The Monkees.
I grew up on The Monkees. I even saw Davy and Mickey with Boyce and Hart in concert in 1977 after The Monkees disbanded in 1970. I have always had a special place in my heart for them and have most of their CD's.
Anyway, I proceeded to tell my t. nonchalantly about a time when I was 8. The Monkees first album came out around the time of my 8th birthday. I begged my dad for that album for my birthday. He got it. I knew about it. To this day I can recall seeing the album with the cute boys pictures on front leaning against the mirror in my parent's bedroom. I knew that album was going to be mine in a couple of days!! I was excited!!! It was not even wrapped.
So, a couple of days before my birthday, I did something to my dad that he got very angry with me. I peeked at him taking a shower. Mind you I am 8. He saw me and said in anger that I would not receive that album on my birthday!
The news devastated me big time! Not many things in life I get excited about. I have been hurt too many times. I learned not to expect much. That is why it is hard for me to accept someone who wants to do nice things for me and really mean it. No strings attached. But, I am getting better.
So when my dad declined the gift for my birthday, it hurt! Not did it only hurt, it brought on tremendous amount of shame and guilt. My dad shamed me and scolded me.
My dad as most you know, did not spend much time with me growing up and basically would ridicule and criticize. So naturally in my mind's eye I deserved this punishment! I was Bad! I should have known better. Shame on me! How dare you. After all you are only 8 you should know better!!! He put fear into little JBR's heart.
I was told today that what my dad did to me was not very nice. He withheld something I was looking forward to receiving but used it as leverage to teach me a lesson in his fury. I was only eight years old! I did not know any better. My dad did not know how to work out of "love." He only knew how to criticize, judge, and respond in anger. (Hmmmmmm...... sounds like someone I know......."Me.")
Today, I was reassured that the punishment was NOT justified.
Huh? How could that be? All these years I believed I did something wrong.
But today, I learned "I did NOTHING wrong!!"
B-t-w- the picture is not me. Found it on the internet. But pretty darn close.
Oh, that hurt my heart, what you had to go through. I am glad you are healing.
ReplyDeleteI memba the Monkeys. Davy was the cute one. Sorry your dad was mean to you and hurt your feelings. You didn't know.
ReplyDeleteParents have so much to do with all the false guilt we carry into adulthood. What was the point of hurting little JBR?????
ReplyDeleteYou are so right - it was NOT your fault! I am glad that you had this revelation today.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am honored to be a witness of your healing journey - thank you for allowing me to be!
Unbelievable, I cannot believe he did that to you. I am so sorry. If I had to punish my daughter when she was young I would feel so bad that she would miss her favorite show on TV that night I would tape it on VHS for her. What a difference.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't your fault, you're right - and I'm glad you are able to see that. It is so difficult sometimes to hear of parents decisions and how badly it hurts their children. Sending out a prayer for you, simply because you are being thought about.
ReplyDeleteWASN'T YOUR FAULT JBR. YOUR DAD WAS MEAN. HE SHOULD'VE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT WHAT YOU DID. NOT PUNISH YOU FOR SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND AT THE TIME. I LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS WAY, WHEN A PUPPY WHO PIDDLES ON THE FLOOR YOU YELL AT THE DOG FOR DOING THAT. IT PUTS ITS TAIL BETWEEN ITS LEG. HAVING NO IDEA WHY YOUR YELLING AT IT. SHAME. HUGS TO YOU .
ReplyDeleteJBR I'm so very sorry this was done to you. For you to remember such a horrible event all your life and to base decisions on memories such as this, is sad. Hopefully the confusion of your thinking is clearer now that you see it was not your fault. You're loved by God. He has tender mercy on you. You were an innocent child. God Bless.
ReplyDeletesweetie I'm sorry your dad was mean. Alll these y ears you held onto a lie,. It wasnt y our fault. I'm glad your realiz that now
ReplyDeleteThat was a ridiculous and mean punishment. Parents should be kind teachers to their children. I was always expected to "know better" too. It is a heavy burden for a child and one that goes on and on. God bless and thank God for therapists.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's not just the huge abuses but just the meanness and criticism that hurt so much. I feel like that too sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI was about to ask you if that was you in the pic? :)
ReplyDeleteThat was an awful thing to be treated like that and much more at such a young age. Too innocent to understand physical or emotional abuse. I pray the God will continue to peel the layers off, despite the pain, so your best could be exposed and those wounds be healed. Take care JBR! God bless.
I noticed he passed too. It did not settle in me until you said that , but I too felt a reminder of a since of loss of some fine thread of youth.
ReplyDeleteenjoy your day
Ha! Ha! its a new day.
JBR I'm very sorry. :(
ReplyDeleteHi JBR,
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how issues from our childhood form and shape us.
Just wondering if your father was ever sexually abused when he was a child. The reaction he gave shows of one deeply insecure and the anger shown makes me think this.
Glad to hear there is even more progress!! :) Praise God!
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Praising God for another layer peeling away. Emotionally exhausting, I am sure. As a parent, I am gleaning a lesson from this too. God Bless you, JBR!
ReplyDeleteoh sweet dear heart,
ReplyDeleteI pray there are albums
delivered in a million of different ways
(in a million different forms)
in restoration
and grace poured out
to heal that little girl heart,
songs sung when you least expect it
and in ways that touch your heart joyful
with surprise.
You deserve the most beautiful gifts
of song.....listen for them;
they're coming:)
-Jennifer
Amazing how God shows up is right! What a release. I remember those Monkees songs, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to receive the truth about that lie planted so long ago!
ReplyDeleteBless you!
Thankful that God is not through with us yet and He is a Good Daddy! Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteI think about my daughter (who is 8) and how I would handle a similar situation with her - and it wouldn't be anything like what your dad did.
ReplyDeleteYou were the child, and he was the adult who should have taught you and loved you and guided you. You were not wrong, but he definitely was.
Sidenote - I always loved the Monkees too!