"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, June 01, 2012

HAD TO LIVE THEM

For many years I was in denial of my past. Whenever someone was able to detect something not right with me, then brave enough to ask me if the divorce of my parents affected me in a negative way, I would always respond, "No, I am fine." Then I would quickly change the subject.

Meanwhile I had all the signs of depression, fear, sadness, unrealistic thinking, etc. I am sure I would have been asked the same question with regards to being sexually abused. That is if I ever shared it with anyone. But that was something I was not willing to share. Not until I sought counseling and was ready to.

Beth Moore who ironically is the same age as I, had an abusive background similar to mine, minus her parents divorcing. In an interview a question was asked Beth if she ever confronted her turbulent past.


"Yes. I went through a season of uncharacteristic despair in my early 30s. I’d never before looked straight at my victimisation, never allowed my mind to replay the images. Every single time they began to erupt, I pressed them down. But I no longer had the energy to do that. The victim in me took over. I felt like I was jumping off the highest cliff and descending into the bottom of a canyon. While Amanda and Melissa knew I was sad, they didn’t have an idea how severe it was. I was good at hiding it; you don’t have my kind of background and not develop a way to do that."

That is how many of us are or have been when we did not or could not face our monsters head on. We were just children. I survived by stuffing my pain, wearing masks, and isolating myself for so many years. Living with my constant depression which eventually adapted to my personality and I could not remember what happiness once was.

Even though I was born again at nineteen, the thirty three years there-after compared to these last couple of years seemed so distant and uneventful to me.

These past couple of years I have grown so much in the Lord than what thirty plus years could have offered. Even knowing the Lord for that long, my pain from the past blocked so much of what He is offering me now. I was NOT ready! My spirit was not ready.

Wow you may say! It took you that long to break through? Yes. That long.

Can I say those years were a waste? I do not think so. I still had to live them to get where I am today.

12 comments:

  1. And with God, you are in the best place you have ever been in!

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  2. JBR, what you wrote here really resonated with me. This subject has been something I've been thinking a lot about recently. I want to be ready for a deeper spiritual relationship, but I'm just not there yet. I don't really understand why because it seems like if you want something to happen, you should be able to make it happen. I guess it is just something I will have to continue to explore and maybe even allow to happen at its own pace. Anyway, thank you for sharing. Hope you have a nice weekend!

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  3. JBR your heart is at peace with this new leading in your life. Although God is still perfecting you and working in your life, I can see that your heart burns with the desire to share the gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ, with those who don't know Him Where you can share your once wounded heart to others who need that same healing from the Lord. God Bless.

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  4. With God, NOTHING is a waste! It all brought you to where you are now! Praise God for the path! It is awesome to see where you are today!

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  5. AnonymousJune 01, 2012

    I'M DEEPLY MOVED JBR. I SEE NOTHING BUT GOD'S LEADING IN YOUR LIFE. YOUR AN INSPIRATION TO MANY. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.

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  6. It's taken me many many years also before I could begin to face the pain of my past. Sometimes I feel bad at the amount of time that passed where I was just surviving, and sometimes I am angry at the amount of life I have missed. I like your way of looking at it, as a particular journey that needs to take as long as it takes. Hugs

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  7. Grace,
    The profound changes in the past few years is what makes your story all the more amazing. Miraculous, when you think about it. Pure grace, my friend...we live on it. May God continue to flood you with it!
    Hugs!!

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  8. We are all a sum of our past. It took this long to get where you are because you had a lot to overcome and heal from. Wishing you much peace and that God's love will continue to comfort you.

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  9. i think it's so cool when it's like the stopper slips and goes from a trickle to gushing in seconds. glad you are sharing :)

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  10. I had blocked out my abuse and used to wonder why I was always depressed and frightened. The memories returned with a bang in my forties. I went into counselling immediately in order to stay sane and not fall apart. God and I have been working on this since then - 17 years. Each year I learn and grow because God is helping me. Are all my depressive moods and fears gone completely? Am I now Pollyanna or Gidget? No. I am me; a bit melancholy, a bit joyful, a bit peaceful, a bit scared. But I have come a long way and I'm happy with my progress in the Lord, who is my strength and guide.

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  11. I'm a believer "stout believer" in Romans 8:28...

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