My dependency on having people like me was very important through out most my life. Growing up in a critical and judgmental atmosphere which brought tremendous shame, guilt and condemnation. Made me strive to be someone I was not. Be a plastic printout. I became what I thought others wanted me to be. I did not want to be wrong. It hurt when my flaws and failures were pointed out. Made me feel worse about myself. I wanted to please. I did not want people to see my flaws. My pain. Did not want to be criticized or God forbid make a mistake. Show my imperfections. I did not want to be HURT or laughed at. I just thought I would be accepted if I was this perfect person I pretended to be.
I was never ever the real me. I had no opinion, no boundaries, no say in anything. I let people control me. Walk over me. Put me down. Shame me. Use me. Criticize me. I would always agree with the other party or knew them well enough to suggest what "they" wanted. Never what I wanted. The pain of all the put downs, sneers, shaming fingers pointing at me, took their toll on my belief system.
As the saying goes, "I have come a long way baby." I try and be as authentic as I can now. It is a learning process. I still am cautious at times for fear of being hurt. Especially when I meet someone new. I still have the tendency, out of fear, to size people up. Seeing if it is safe enough to be myself. Showing me that I still have some work in this area.
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!