Today while I was in the pool of my condo a divorced father and his three children arrived for a swim. Two older boys and a girl. Exact carbon copy of my siblings and I in age growing up. I put the daughter around six or seven.
Anyway, listening how the father's ignored the pleas of his daughter's attention brought back some painful memories.
In my quest to "win" my father's love I strived way too hard at times for his affection. Causing him to become frustrated with me. Especially when he moved out of our house a year before my parents divorced and then I was whisked away with my mum to start a new life with her new husband. Leaving my father, brothers and friends behind.
My dad did not have to say anything when he was bothered. It showed in his demeanor. Making me cringe in fear that I did something wrong to hurt his feelings. Imagine that. I was more concerned with his feelings than mine. I would shut down and be cautious in order to make sure I did not "offend" him any longer. Watching what I would say. Staying out of his way. All the while inside my little girl wanted nothing more than for her daddy to play with her and to show she was special.
My Heavenly Daddy would like nothing more than to spend hours upon hours with his daughter. I know that. Showing how special she is. Enjoying His time with her. No strings attached. Accepting her as she is. No performance based tryouts for acceptance.
Not having the proper love from my earthly daddy or any intimate male relationships, I find transitioning into acceptance of a Heavenly Daddy's love remains a struggle.
I do not want to end on a down beat. Knowing without a doubt as I continue seeking and desiring Him the knowing in my heart that He is Love, will one day transition into becoming Love.
You know... being a 'father' to my son and daughter is one of the best things... if not THE best thing... I've ever done.
ReplyDeleteI didn't want them to have a point in their lives when they would wonder if their Dad cared about them... loved them... etc...
I am sorry you had the experience that you had with your Father..
~shoes~
Now it is my turn to offer you a hug. :) I'm so sorry you had to experience such things in your childhood. How well I know the feeling of walking on eggshells and the love that was dependent upon exterior things. I know this sounds funny, but when I think of Our Heavenly Father, I think of the father on Father Knows Best and Steve Douglas on My Three Sons. They were so kind, gentle and caring. One of the silver linings of being locked in the closet for hours at a time is it helped develop a great imagination. Thank you for being so honest. It takes a lot of courage!
ReplyDeleteI have spent so long trying to gain approval from men in authority positions...father, husband, boss, pastor...trying to focus on just my Heavenly Father's love and approval has been quite a process. Freeing but freakishly full of fear and fury too. Glad how God just takes us through these memories in bite size increments! Many blessings friend!
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to what you are saying in this post. I have trouble accepting God the Father love and acceptance for me. You are an inspiration to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful that He is the true, loving Father to those who never tasted unconditional love from their earthly fathers. I pray for your continued healing...God bless.
ReplyDeleteJBR you've grown so much over these years. God has taken you step by step and he'll continue to do this as long as you're willing. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteHello JBR,
ReplyDeleteI know it is hard to accept, but your father is also a victim in this world believe it or not, as all of us are until we are rescued by God through His Son Jesus. That is why none of us are capable of showing to others the unconditional love that our heavenly Father has for us. He loves each one of us, and wants us all to come to the knowledge of salvation through Christ Jesus. The appostle Paul, in the scriptures, was actually killing christians before becoming a believer in Jesus. I know that the more you come to know God through the Holy Spirit enlightening His word to you, the more you will see of His unconditional love. I pray for total peace for you, and also pray that your father comes to the knowledge of salvation through Jesus too. I leave you with a little poem that reflects what Jesus is capable of doing. God bless you.
There is a peace within my soul
no riches could have bought it
I found it not in wealth or fame
in wretchedness I sought it
This peace that passes understanding
peace that I can call my own
can not be found in all the world
It's found in Jesus Christ alone
It is so true that your Heavenly Father loves you unconditionally and accepts you as you are and wants to spend time with you. He is never to busy for you or ignores you. just try to keep your focus on how much He loves you. I prayed for you today, dear friend.
ReplyDeleteI share your pain my dear sister
ReplyDeleteI think as a child I needed attention from my dad that I didn't get. He worked evening and we didn't spend a lot of time together. I desperately needed attention from my husband but he just isn't that way. I know they both love me deeply yet there is something missing.
ReplyDeleteThat is where my Heavenly Father comes in.