FIVE MINUTES

Without going into detail last night revealed some troubling trigger issues I still need to deal with.

The ingredients are fear, control, panic, impatience and a sense of urgency. My t. pointed out to me in Thursday's session about something I alluded to earlier which she picked up on. Stemming from fear and control. I then shared with her that I have been with my mum all week. Not an excuse. But, it did show me how vulnerable I still can be.

What happened last night normally I would be in better control of myself. My Spirit revealed to me this morning the real force that fed into last night's Five Minute Race that triggered the ingredients I mentioned above:

When I am in a weakened state physically, spiritually and emotionally, which I have been since the beginning of January. When I was let go from my job. Other tests and trials began to pile up. Heightening my senses with a "I don't care" attitude if I overwhelmed. Going through the change of life does not help. Very dangerous. Well in my case. I know when I get into this kind of state which I have not been in in years, my head is a blur. I do not reason. I just react. All the while knowing what I am doing is wrong. But, that is the "I don't care" part. I lose all regard. I had an opportunity more than once to stop. But I chose not to.

I will just say last night I broke the law three times in a five minute period while driving. Only God's Grace protected me and anyone that came close to me in those five minutes.

I wanted to point out that an evening that was blessed by God's presence and sharing with a friend, was squashed in my mind by this incident for the most part. Yeah, satan was using this to condemn and shame me. Amazing how one negative incident can try and ruin all the positive things going on.

Okay, that being said, even though last night still resonates in my brain some what, four years ago I would handle the outcome a different way. It would eat and eat and eat at me. Condemning myself mercilessly for days and days. The array of guilt, condemnation and shame.

I am not trying to gain sympathy here. There is somewhat of a moral to my story.

If I ever find myself in an emotional position like last night, to no matter what force myself to stop where I am. Call out to my Heavenly Daddy. Think what I am doing. Relax and get my senses together. No matter how much "I do not care" if I ever catch myself like this again, to not argue with myself. Force myself to stop and think what I am doing.

I also found out last night I can accept responsibility. Something I could not do four years ago. Also feel what I did was wrong and know that I am truly sorry. That I am human. The main thing was repenting and knowing that my Heavenly Daddy forgave me and I forgave myself. Although here and there I will struggle with what I did. Which is fine. Because I feel perfectly fine admitting "I took a big chance on doing something really stupid last night which was very selfish as well."

As bad as this incident may seem, it is all part of my journey. Obviously it had to happen exactly as it went down. Bringing out the good and the bad. Area that need to work on and areas where I grown in I can be proud of.

This was more of a "confession post" to myself.....