Yesterday's program triggered me. Pertaining to feeling. Naturally. Something I struggle with big time and have not stopped talking and blogging about of late. So since I do not believe in coincidences, her being on Benny Hinn's program this week is a God thing!
Four years of therapy has unlocked many of my painful feelings, but at the same time I still know I have some unlocked "feelings" remaining.
Melody said something very powerful yesterday that struck a chord with me. Triggering a quick "feeling" related flashback.
Melody is in her early 60's. She was explaining that about ten years ago she was giving a speech at her old high school. While speaking, and unaware this was going to happen, a bigger than life size picture of herself that she had not seen for many years appeared behind her on a wall. Although she was able to finish her speech, the picture triggered something in her.
She found herself in very deep depression and emotional pain afterwards. Something she thought she dealt with. The picture triggered deeper pain from her abusive past. A light bulb went on and she finally understood and felt the pain of abuse as a child. She finally understood now why she started to self medicate at the age of 12. She said "she began to feel everything she could not feel as a child. The pain." It was the first tmie she had compassion for herself. While admitting all of this and feeling depressed and in emotional pain, her friends tried to get her to go on anti depressants. Melody refused saying that this is the pain that she so longed to feel. It was hers. And for the next four months, that is what she did. She felt and felt and felt!
When I connected to what she said about actually realizing as a child we disconnected in order to survive our pain and blocked everything out, whether by drinking, tuning out, isolating, promiscuity, drugs, cutting, all kinds of disorders, etc., our little minds could not handle, let alone understand what we were experiencing. The confusion with our feelings of love.
Her words and courage gave me the courage to dig deep into my hidden pain and to see for probably the first time and to "admit" and even "feel" that what I experienced growing up was indeed traumatic! That my pain actually was legitimate in how I behaved and survived. And it is okay to feel what I am feeling.
I know my past I survived was traumatic. But, I do not think I knew just how traumatic.
May God hold you extra tightly today.
ReplyDeleteHI GRACE - breather, and 'look up'
ReplyDeleteLove Gail
peace....
breathe, not breather eesh :-)
DeleteI've read Melody Beattie's book Codependant No More also. It is definately one of the most helpful books I have read. Thank you for telling us about her being on Benny Hinn's program. I totally get the idea of disconnecting. When I think of all that has happened to me, I realize that disconnecting was my survival method. I'll be thinking of you today and praying for you. May God Bless this step in your journey.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I like that you used the phrase, "a God thing." I thought I was the only one who did."
ReplyDeleteIt is always good to feel the feelings. Now that you are older, I hope you are able to past them or at least be given a little bit more of and understanding of yourself. Wishing you peace.
I was forced to do that kind of "looking deep, and feeling" this past May, when I was forced to have to face my childhood abuser, and as always...act like nothing ever happened, because that is how my family chose to handle it.
ReplyDeleteI got through that day OK, because the Lord kept showing me that He knew the truth about the man, and he would always protect me...and that nothing done 'in the darkness' will stay hidden...I am still learning that it is necessary to cry and mourn for the innocence of that'little girl' within, because, unless my abuser has repented to God, and i don't know if he has, even though.... (he is now a pastor of a RLDS church)...God still remembers his sin, even if nobody else wants to.
Remember~ God promises to comfort those who mourn!
Yes, I imagine you have to feel whatever you tried to block out in order to get past it and move forward. Hugs to you today, Grace.
ReplyDeleteFeel and let out to be healed. Bless you JBR. You are in God's hands no matter what!
ReplyDeleteIn my experience though, the more I think about it, the more I get depressed.I think, if i want to get healed, I have to forget and go on with my life.
God has more to offer to us and maybe you are going to write a book about your life one day to be a living witness to others that God really heals and restores.
JBR, may God hold your hand as you feel what are rightfully your feelings for what you have endured. May God also gently lift you out of the pit of pain into the bright sunshine of His love.
ReplyDeleteSending you ((((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteMay God hold you close, my friend, as He helps you work through the pain of these terrible childhood traumas.
ReplyDeleteMiss you!!
Feel and write my friend. Lifting you up to Daddy.
ReplyDelete<><
After reading this post, I had to close my eyes. I could picture her standing in the school, and the immediate shock that must have come over her. I needed to read this - to realize that I am a part of people/women that struggle, but are strong, courageous and successful.
ReplyDeleteHolding you in thought and prayer ..
the mind is a strange thing. it only lets you remember what you can cope with at any given time. and that is what we need. time. to deal with the past. little by little... hugs and love, hunny!
ReplyDeleteThis is an "aha" post! It makes so much sense. Once, I guess, it was twice, I had encounters with God where I just cried and cried. I think they were releasing times. I carried a lot of shame that I tried to hide, and it is something God is just allowing me to see. I guess owning the feelings, though difficult, is a huge part of healing. Please keep sharing the journey...many blessings :)
ReplyDeleteI think it was Joyce Meyer who said that to heal we have to walk back through the same doors of pain that we experienced in the abuse. Very frightening to do so, very painful as well. Yet JBR I think you have managed to do that only you will know how far.Very brave of you. Heavens if this healing/recovery from trauma was easy no one would suffer the negative effects on their life. Sigh. I try to face it but always get so far and then no further...I am hoping one day to walk right through those doors and out on the other side. Today though, I am not that brave yet, I hold on to yet. Safe hugs JBR and thank you for sharing because you help us all who are on a similar journey. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteMay God strengthen and comfort you and bring healing.
God bless,
Ken
I experience a trigger about a week ago. I don't have them often, actually rarely and it took me by surprise. I realized that I am not healed. Now my situation is totally different than yours, I was hurt by my husbands infidelity and here I am 24 years later still broken. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))