and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
IT WAS TRAUMATIC
Yesterday's program triggered me. Pertaining to feeling. Naturally. Something I struggle with big time and have not stopped talking and blogging about of late. So since I do not believe in coincidences, her being on Benny Hinn's program this week is a God thing!
Four years of therapy has unlocked many of my painful feelings, but at the same time I still know I have some unlocked "feelings" remaining.
Melody said something very powerful yesterday that struck a chord with me. Triggering a quick "feeling" related flashback.
Melody is in her early 60's. She was explaining that about ten years ago she was giving a speech at her old high school. While speaking, and unaware this was going to happen, a bigger than life size picture of herself that she had not seen for many years appeared behind her on a wall. Although she was able to finish her speech, the picture triggered something in her.
She found herself in very deep depression and emotional pain afterwards. Something she thought she dealt with. The picture triggered deeper pain from her abusive past. A light bulb went on and she finally understood and felt the pain of abuse as a child. She finally understood now why she started to self medicate at the age of 12. She said "she began to feel everything she could not feel as a child. The pain." It was the first tmie she had compassion for herself. While admitting all of this and feeling depressed and in emotional pain, her friends tried to get her to go on anti depressants. Melody refused saying that this is the pain that she so longed to feel. It was hers. And for the next four months, that is what she did. She felt and felt and felt!
When I connected to what she said about actually realizing as a child we disconnected in order to survive our pain and blocked everything out, whether by drinking, tuning out, isolating, promiscuity, drugs, cutting, all kinds of disorders, etc., our little minds could not handle, let alone understand what we were experiencing. The confusion with our feelings of love.
Her words and courage gave me the courage to dig deep into my hidden pain and to see for probably the first time and to "admit" and even "feel" that what I experienced growing up was indeed traumatic! That my pain actually was legitimate in how I behaved and survived. And it is okay to feel what I am feeling.
I know my past I survived was traumatic. But, I do not think I knew just how traumatic.