THE LOSS OF LOVE

Need to lay the ground work for this one:

As it is becoming more apparent, I missed out on a earthly father's love. Which in turn distorts my Heavenly Daddy's love.

My dad did not have it in him to give me what was needed from a father. His upbringing was not great. His parents divorced. His father committed suicide later on. My dad was sent to a boarding school. His home life was in shambles. Two failed marriages. My dad was a very critical and judgemental man. Who had his own agenda when it came to quality time with his daughter. There was none.

Then there was the verbal fighting at home. Between my parents. I was around nine. My little heart witnessed and felt daily the attacks my parents would exchange among one another. Somehow their pain locked inside of me. My little girl found herself in a swivel chair in the living room shaking, crying, fearful and begging for the yelling to stop. Questioning...."is this love?" The fights would intensify for the next year. My mum finally making my dad move into my brother's bedroom. Then, eventually leading to my mum throwing my dad out of the house a year before their divorce became final.

A few months later my mum remarried. Splitting up our family. Forcing me at 12 to move up with her to New York from Florida. To begin her new life with her new husband. Leaving behind my two brothers, my father, my home, my friends, my life.

I was then to adapt and survive on my own. The terrors of a new home, school, culture etc. Having no one except my mum to console me. She was battling her own demons of guilt while drinking and trying to raise a daughter on her own as well as surviving a new marriage and trying to make him happy. I totally shut down. I could not handle what I went through. My little mind could not process the pain the hurt and the very much loss of everything!

This could be such a lengthy post in trying to explain all the details. So in a some what large nut shell, not having my fathers attention and love while at the same time being abused by one of my older brothers sexually totally shut me down in the "love" department. Something that was supposed to be good to prepare me for life, had the opposite effect because of the abuse of my brother and lack of nurturing from my father. Fear, confusion found its way in and totally shut down any true feelings and experiences of love.

Resulting even up to today the lingering depression, sadness, loss of joy in my life. I know no other way. It is hard for me to share what little love I have in myself. As it is hard and confusing. Since I have "never been in a healthy love relationship," and I can count on "one" of my hands how many times I have been out on a date, I do not know the joy of happiness. Let alone the Joy of the Lord.

When I did have a sick relationship about ten years ago for a weekend fling, out of sheer pain of wanting someone to love me, it was not love. The relationship went against all of my Godly principals. But, I did not care. I wanted the need to be filled at whatever cost. I wanted to "feel" love! I wanted to FEEL!

I suffered alone in silence (something I do well since early on) for over three years after they left. Confused even more with love. Bringing on shame and guilt for what I did.

Even though I accepted Jesus in 1977, I did not start my walk seriously with Him until a couple of years ago. Only because I was so damaged inside.

Since beginning counseling four years ago, some of the pertinent baggage and walls have been cleared. In order to be able to breathe and not suffocate.

The love issue only God can totally heal. As my previous post alluded to, and for those who have followed me for a while, know I struggle with "feeling" or absolutely knowing in my Spirit that God loves me. My heart cries desperately to acquire the wholeness of God's love!! I know God loves me without a doubt in my mind. It is the connecting of my heart the "feeling" of His love, His glory, His presence that is lacking.

I am really tired of having the weight of depression and sadness on my heart. I do not know if there ever has been a day that I do not feel this weight. I often wonder, "does anyone else feel this miserable inside?" Sure I can function in life. God has given me the Grace to. But, the ever present of this heavy darkness follows me. There are times when I am going through difficulty that I have no one that can comfort me and really feel it. I know people are limited, that is why I want so bad to feel God is with me. When He says that He comforts, I want to feel that comfort!! So, when it really gets bad, I usually seclude for awhile and let my emotions erupt.

Even though there is no Scripture verse in the Bible that relates to "Feeling" God's love, I was given a Scripture verse John 17:23-24 and to ask God for the revelation to His love.

"I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." - John 17:23-24