"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

THE LOSS OF LOVE

Need to lay the ground work for this one:

As it is becoming more apparent, I missed out on a earthly father's love. Which in turn distorts my Heavenly Daddy's love.

My dad did not have it in him to give me what was needed from a father. His upbringing was not great. His parents divorced. His father committed suicide later on. My dad was sent to a boarding school. His home life was in shambles. Two failed marriages. My dad was a very critical and judgemental man. Who had his own agenda when it came to quality time with his daughter. There was none.

Then there was the verbal fighting at home. Between my parents. I was around nine. My little heart witnessed and felt daily the attacks my parents would exchange among one another. Somehow their pain locked inside of me. My little girl found herself in a swivel chair in the living room shaking, crying, fearful and begging for the yelling to stop. Questioning...."is this love?" The fights would intensify for the next year. My mum finally making my dad move into my brother's bedroom. Then, eventually leading to my mum throwing my dad out of the house a year before their divorce became final.

A few months later my mum remarried. Splitting up our family. Forcing me at 12 to move up with her to New York from Florida. To begin her new life with her new husband. Leaving behind my two brothers, my father, my home, my friends, my life.

I was then to adapt and survive on my own. The terrors of a new home, school, culture etc. Having no one except my mum to console me. She was battling her own demons of guilt while drinking and trying to raise a daughter on her own as well as surviving a new marriage and trying to make him happy. I totally shut down. I could not handle what I went through. My little mind could not process the pain the hurt and the very much loss of everything!

This could be such a lengthy post in trying to explain all the details. So in a some what large nut shell, not having my fathers attention and love while at the same time being abused by one of my older brothers sexually totally shut me down in the "love" department. Something that was supposed to be good to prepare me for life, had the opposite effect because of the abuse of my brother and lack of nurturing from my father. Fear, confusion found its way in and totally shut down any true feelings and experiences of love.

Resulting even up to today the lingering depression, sadness, loss of joy in my life. I know no other way. It is hard for me to share what little love I have in myself. As it is hard and confusing. Since I have "never been in a healthy love relationship," and I can count on "one" of my hands how many times I have been out on a date, I do not know the joy of happiness. Let alone the Joy of the Lord.

When I did have a sick relationship about ten years ago for a weekend fling, out of sheer pain of wanting someone to love me, it was not love. The relationship went against all of my Godly principals. But, I did not care. I wanted the need to be filled at whatever cost. I wanted to "feel" love! I wanted to FEEL!

I suffered alone in silence (something I do well since early on) for over three years after they left. Confused even more with love. Bringing on shame and guilt for what I did.

Even though I accepted Jesus in 1977, I did not start my walk seriously with Him until a couple of years ago. Only because I was so damaged inside.

Since beginning counseling four years ago, some of the pertinent baggage and walls have been cleared. In order to be able to breathe and not suffocate.

The love issue only God can totally heal. As my previous post alluded to, and for those who have followed me for a while, know I struggle with "feeling" or absolutely knowing in my Spirit that God loves me. My heart cries desperately to acquire the wholeness of God's love!! I know God loves me without a doubt in my mind. It is the connecting of my heart the "feeling" of His love, His glory, His presence that is lacking.

I am really tired of having the weight of depression and sadness on my heart. I do not know if there ever has been a day that I do not feel this weight. I often wonder, "does anyone else feel this miserable inside?" Sure I can function in life. God has given me the Grace to. But, the ever present of this heavy darkness follows me. There are times when I am going through difficulty that I have no one that can comfort me and really feel it. I know people are limited, that is why I want so bad to feel God is with me. When He says that He comforts, I want to feel that comfort!! So, when it really gets bad, I usually seclude for awhile and let my emotions erupt.

Even though there is no Scripture verse in the Bible that relates to "Feeling" God's love, I was given a Scripture verse John 17:23-24 and to ask God for the revelation to His love.


"I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." - John 17:23-24

23 comments:

  1. I can relate to so much of this post. I still struggle with trusting God's love for me. I just don't know how to accept love that does not cause pain. This post spoke to me deeply. Thanks for sharing your heart.

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  2. JBR, I struggle with so many of the things you struggle with. As always, I am praying for your complete healing, and to know that God loves you so much.

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  3. JBR, I am so sorry to hear about all that you struggle with. I can't begin to imagine what you have gone through. I know this might sound crazy, but I've read that one of the best things to do to pull yourself out of a depression is to find someone else to help. When you focus your attention to helping someone else, it helps you forget your own troubles for a while. Have you ever thought about volunteering some place (the homeless shelter, the Animal Humane Society, a nursing home, a preschool, etc.) maybe once or twice a week? It might help you to get past some of the pain and loneliness you feel. Just a thought. Wishing you a peaceful day.

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    1. I was thinking this exact same thing today.
      We need to find some way to get our minds off our painful past and ourselves.
      Volunteering is a really good way to do that and help us slowly move forward.

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  4. JBR my heart breaks for you. You know well enough that God is your source to your pain. True you can fill your life up with helping others to possibly forget your pain, but in the end until you heal with God's specific healing of your heart, the pain will remain. No amount of helping others will fill that void. Praying for you. God Bless.

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  5. I'm praying for you, my friend. It always blesses me to see your transparency and your passion in the pursuit of the One Who loves us the most and Who died for us- Jesus.

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  6. SOME NUT SHELL. O/K. JBR I'M VERY SORRY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. NO KID SHOULD BE SUBJECT TO THAT KIND OF UPBRINGING. YOU DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE. I HOPEYOUR NOT FEELING GUILTY ABOUT ANY OF WHAT WENT ON. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. PRAYING THAT YOU DO FIND THE COMFORT IN GOD AS REAL AS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IT TO BE.

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  7. I sense the heartbreak. I am sorry! It looks to me as if you have made some great progress to healing in a really short time! Look at 1 John 4:16

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  8. Oh friend, God is so not finished yet. Your story is not done being written. There is much more in store for you. Keep pressing in and holding on...please don't allow the enemy to isolate you...there is still a perfect plan awaiting you. Sending much love your way :)

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  9. Hon,
    I agree with BB, your story is not finished yet, it is still being written.

    The pain and the suffering that you have endured for so many years is just bubbling up. I'm glad you are letting it out. Praying that God will come in and flood you with His love and fill you up to overflowing.

    <><

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  10. Oh, JBR, I'm so heartbroken for the little hurt girl you were. I wish I could tell her it would all be ok and that she was in a safe place and would never have to worry about that kind of pain again. I'm so very sorry for what you went through and are still dealing with. I really don't know what to say that can ease some of your burden. I do know that God is using you in a powerful way to share His love through this blog. Thank you so much for talking so openly about something that must be incredibly painful. I can only imagine how proud God must be of you - "Just look at the wonderful lady JBR has become in spite of all those earthly challenges. That's MY girl!"

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  11. So sorry to hear what you had hone through and I can relate to that because i had been abused, mistreated and you name it.
    Bur those things that happened to me made ne fight for my right. Stand up with the help of God. And I thank God for he restored me.
    It helps also to make myself busy all the time so that I would not be depressed. Thinking positive and trying to see the positive things in life.
    Joyce meyer is one of my favorite preacher. She too was abused, but is now a living example of how God can restore someone like us. So, be strong JBR. You are loved by God.

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  12. What a heart breaking past; I am proud of you for releasing it and for your determination to be set free. Be encouraged to know that God continues to be at work in you JBR. The challenge you now face is to walk with Him and completely release your past and present self to His will. He is patient and kind with you and always wants you to be with Him!

    Blessings, prayers, and love sweet sister!
    Denise

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  14. JBR,
    What I see in all that is written is that your father also suffered in his life. I think when someone suffers from missing out on childhood love, then there can be a 'distancing' within that person, almost as a safety measure so that they will suffer no longer. They can feel that it is too much of a risk being too atatched to another human being, that the hurt they have suffered by not having the love they needed must not be allowed to be built upon should their love be rejected. So there is a fear which causes a shield to build up, which comes from bad memories. The only trouble is that when that happens it falls into the category of 'keeping a record of wrongs' which we are told not to do when operating in the realm of God's definition of 'love' as portrayed in 1 Corinthians ch.13. This can then act as a block in our lives, as without realizing the significance of the element of unforgiveness in keeping that record of wrongs we may prevent ourselves from moving on with the Lord.
    I truly believe that without the Lord Jesus in our lives, 'forgiving us because we know not what we do' ( as His thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are our ways His ways ), we would completely destroy one another

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  15. Saying prayers for you, love you.

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  16. I feel very bad for your childhood, and the effect it has on you..but with prayer and your faith, I know you are finding comfort now..

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  17. I am so sorry. I have not been through all that you have been through. I am sure the weight is extremely heavy for you. I am thankful that your counselor has helped. I will pray to God on your behalf asking him to put His arms around you so you can feel his presence and also ask him to take the heaviness off your shoulders so you can live with freedom from the baggage of your past. ((HUGS))
    *GOD HEAR MY PRAYERS*

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  18. Praying for peace for your heart. I am so sorry about how much you have suffered through. Much love to you.

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  19. wishing you a beautiful Saturday. Hope you feel His amazing peace!!!!

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  20. "somehow their pain locked inside of me"
    .....so brilliantly expressed, JBR.
    Lord, release us from what is locked inside
    so that we're altogether free.
    yes and amen.
    thanks, friend.
    -Jennifer

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  21. So much trauma, hurt, pain,, fear and not just from one person but many especially those who were meant to protect and look after you, love you. I am so sorry this has been your experience. As a child I experienced domestic violence and other trauma and I think as children we cope how we know best to survive. Unfortunaetly these coping mechanisms can affect our current lives in a negative way. Our relationship even with God is affected. I can understand knowing something about God in your head but it does not sit in your heart yet. Sometimes it is someone understanding and acknowledging the deep pain and suffering we are in that is in of itself healing without them actually having to say much at all. JBR you are a loving, caring, compassionate person more than I think you realise. I know that just from your blog and the comments you leave on mine. If only we could take away pain from each other but one day I hope I trust God will heal. God's love and deep blessings to you.

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