and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
THERAPY -- PRESENT MEETS THE PAST
Since therapy, I believed in my head that "yes, I am sure what I went through as a child was traumatic." But, now I am beginning to realize in actuality and believe whole heartedly, "yeah what I went through was indeed traumatic."
I am starting to feel the pain more readily now. What it was like to watch and hear my parents yell in front of me. How I held on to myself trying to contain my jerking and shaking while crying as they fought. The last day when I had to say my goodbyes to my dad, brother and friends before boarding a train with my mum to New York. Not even knowing what was happening to me. Not even realizing that I was leaving once and for all my home where once a family lived together. Now being split apart. A eleven year old's mind, that shut down a few years before, was forced to survive on her own because no one knew she was hurting!
How the stinging words of disapproval from my father made me cringe inside. Having in the pit of my stomach a defeated shameful feeling. That I was bad.
Then when my brother was taking advantage of me sexually. How I just laid there at nine years old. Stiff as a board. Frighten. Wanting the pain to end. Wondering why he was doing this to me. Learning later on that I disassociated off into the clouds. As where he usually molested me was outside in a wooded area. I remember laying on my back and looking up into the sky.
And what my therapist explained today helped me to understand something. What I am experiencing presently with no job, no money coming in, health issues, the lack of feeling and expressing love, etc., relates and brings up triggers and stuff from my past with my emotions that I shut down with.
I was concerned if I was once again experiencing "denial" because of my present situation and not feeling fear any more. Kind of numb. My therapist assured me that I was not. That what I was experiencing was a place of acceptance. Loss of controlling. Bottom line, having to trust my Heavenly Daddy for the outcome in my circumstances and at the same time all this is going on, to continue healing from my past wounds. Knowing the present is meeting up with the past. Working together to freedom! Wo-