Since therapy, I believed in my head that "yes, I am sure what I went through as a child was traumatic." But, now I am beginning to realize in actuality and believe whole heartedly, "yeah what I went through was indeed traumatic."
I am starting to feel the pain more readily now. What it was like to watch and hear my parents yell in front of me. How I held on to myself trying to contain my jerking and shaking while crying as they fought. The last day when I had to say my goodbyes to my dad, brother and friends before boarding a train with my mum to New York. Not even knowing what was happening to me. Not even realizing that I was leaving once and for all my home where once a family lived together. Now being split apart. A eleven year old's mind, that shut down a few years before, was forced to survive on her own because no one knew she was hurting!
How the stinging words of disapproval from my father made me cringe inside. Having in the pit of my stomach a defeated shameful feeling. That I was bad.
Then when my brother was taking advantage of me sexually. How I just laid there at nine years old. Stiff as a board. Frighten. Wanting the pain to end. Wondering why he was doing this to me. Learning later on that I disassociated off into the clouds. As where he usually molested me was outside in a wooded area. I remember laying on my back and looking up into the sky.
And what my therapist explained today helped me to understand something. What I am experiencing presently with no job, no money coming in, health issues, the lack of feeling and expressing love, etc., relates and brings up triggers and stuff from my past with my emotions that I shut down with.
I was concerned if I was once again experiencing "denial" because of my present situation and not feeling fear any more. Kind of numb. My therapist assured me that I was not. That what I was experiencing was a place of acceptance. Loss of controlling. Bottom line, having to trust my Heavenly Daddy for the outcome in my circumstances and at the same time all this is going on, to continue healing from my past wounds. Knowing the present is meeting up with the past. Working together to freedom! Wo-
JBR, in my experience, just the sexual abuse alone causes tremendous trauma and a lifetime of trying to deal with dysfunctional thinking and behavior. But our God is good and He is faithful and He is the Great Healwr and nothing is too hard for Him to overcome. You are doing the right thing, by trusting in Him. Your experiences inspire me to continue to trust His healing. Praying for you always!
ReplyDeleteChildren are so precious and fragile, they need to be protected and cared for. A child can survive trauma if they are surrounded by unconditional love but a child that is traumatized and questions whether or not they are loved, will have insecurities and issues to deal with.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to hear that you are going through acceptance. Hon, know that you are loved, not only by our Daddy but by so many online followers. I love you sister very much and I pray for you often. I know online friends are not the same as real life friends and cannot replace the intimacy of face to face conversations. But, you are supported, cared for and prayed over by many, many people all over.
Praying often,
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JBR Thank you first of all for coming to my blog I am glad you found me and in return I found your wonderful blog. I have not blogged about it but I am a survivor of terrible childhood abuse by my mother who used to lock me in a garage overnight and other terrible things. Then I was married for 17 years to a very abusive husband but now I am free my dear in more ways than one. God has also set me free. I am in a wonderful relationship with a loving man and even though my health is horrible and I am wheelchair bound I am blessed. And I am extremely blessed that you found me now I can read your wonderful blog and share things with you along the way..BIG HUGS ((((((JBR)))))).. JUst keep hanging onto God he will always get you through the bad times as well as the good. I am sorry you had to endure so much but thankful that you are working through it just know your precious to God and many including me..
ReplyDeleteLove,
Viv
JBR, thanks.
ReplyDeleteSending you a bunch of hugs!!!!
ReplyDeleteI SO LOVE YOUR HONESTY JBR. WHAT YOU SHARE TAKES ALOT OF GUTS. NOT MANY PEOPLE OR BLOGS I VISIT ARE THAT FREE IN DISCUSSING SUCH SENSITIVE MATTERS TO HELP OTHERS. YOU'RE THE EXCEPTION. THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HELPING THOSE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE HELPING.
ReplyDeleteHugs, love, and prayers to you my friend.
ReplyDelete