During the process of healing, at times the emotional pain feels as raw as a scab being ripped off before its time.
That being said, one aspect I will share in my painful healing that I shared with my therapist today and that is, "four years ago I was a mean s.o.b." I have no problem admitting that. Because it is true. My therapist thought it was amusing how I just freely say the truth.
Somehow I felt entitled to being mean. Although I know why now I was the way I was. Because of my own pain of fear and the fear of rejection and being hurt. I was miserable. Some of my co-workers could not figure me out and were cautious around me.
So, you know when you know without a doubt in your "unchion" why the Lord did something drastic to get your attention? I do. And I am referring to being let go over a year ago after five years at a job that I was planning on retiring. Pretty drastic! My livilihood gone just like that.
Today, I know in my Spirit without a doubt this was a wake up call from the Lord! I do not believe to this day that He could have used any other means besides losing my job and then allowing two months later a physical attack on my body to which this day remains. Only because these two incidents have humbled me greatly and painfully, they have also shown me how much I need only to trust my Heavenly Daddy even more now. Especially in light of what is going on in the world.
I shared with my therapist today that this wake-up call was the only means that could go deep into my pain and get me on the right path my Heavenly Daddy wanted me to go. I do not believe anything else would have gotten my attention. I was too much shut off still in my pain to get any attention. Something traumatic had to happen..... again...... Shake Me!
So, the loss of a job and the physical attack both have drawn me ever so closer to my Heavenly Daddy.
Something again, which bares repeating, "I do NOT believe I would have found a deep desire to go after and hunger for my Daddy if I did not have these two things happen to me!!!!!!!!"
Even though I can reel in the pain and some days are better than others, today was not so great, I know that my Heavenly Daddy does not want any of His children to suffer. He is never ever the author of pain. What so ever. Satan is. And will always be. But, Daddy, somehow in His loving way (which I am trying to understand) allows it nevertheless.
Grace, I have heard many times from others a message like the one you are saying here. Often it is when we are in pain and suffering the most, that is when we are willing to seek out God and become closer to him as a result. We draw nearer to him by seeking him out. I can understand why you felt entitled to be mean too. You were dealing with so much from your past, That would make anyone feel miserable.
ReplyDeleteJBR I understand God's moving the way He does when it comes to getting our attention. Sorry for your pain. I know our struggles can be like a rollercoster. That picture looks painful. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are hurting, love you.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty and how you pour your heart out. You are right, Father is not the author of pain, Satan is. And you are right again, Father does allow pain into our lives and sometimes He directs the pain. It is pain and hurt that drives us into God. If our lives were all perfect and smooth we would never need to seek Him. It is when we are hurting that we cry out to Him and most often, sadly, it is because if we didn't suffer we would never seek God.
ReplyDeleteFather loves us so much that He is willing to see us suffer in order bring us into His Kingdom and eternal life. I believe it really hurts Him to see us suffer so much. John 11:35 Jesus wept.
Praying this hurting passes quickly and full and complete healing comes soon.
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Amen to that JBR! I remember when I was with my ex boyfriend I got this infection. I feel as though to was a wake up call unto this day. Even today my anxiety and loneliness I feel draws me closer to Daddy. If I was free spirited and not lonely I would be a proud child and it's sad that Daddy has to get our attention that way, He loves us so much that He's willing to break down whatever barriers that are in the way so He can come through!
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings Hun, I will pray for your healing.
You definitely used this idea in this post, but just didn't say the word: Defense Mechanism. I don't recall you ever being mean (and I started reading your lovely words in 2009!), and I KNOW you are absolutely not mean-spirited or mean at heart! But if you believe you behaved meanly to others, then I think you're absolutely right-- you were protecting yourself. It seems since then you have freed yourself somewhat from the need to complete keep people behind a wall. That's extremely scary. But isn't it so freeing?!?
ReplyDeleteLove this post!
Be well,
NOS
It's always been at my lowest/ worst that I've been able to see Him at His highest/ best. The depths of His mercy are rarely felt when things are going well. I'm so thankful you embrace and recognize the healing process!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely JBR,
ReplyDeletebeing brought to trust in, and rely on, the Lord in our trials and hardships is like being in the eye of the hurricane. God bless.
One of the things that I deeply appreciate about you, Grace, is your honesty. You tell it like it is and that is very rare today. Your words here are very insightful. God allows suffering at times but we know He is always working good things for us in both good times and bad.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings, my friend!
This post is so pure and encouraging I can see God redeeming your pain day by day! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletewhy is that?
ReplyDeleteStopped in to wish you a beautiful Saturday..April showers here but hope healing rain for you.
ReplyDeleteHis path is not always an easy one but there is always growth.
ReplyDeleteYou have certainly been learning and growing through this pain. I doubt I would have come to God without the pain in my life either. I can't imagine you as being mean but that is how God changes us. I used to be a real gossip and mean behind people's backs. I'm sorry I ever did that and happy Jesus showed me I had to stop. God bless, Sweetie.
ReplyDeleteSo often it is the painful places in life that God draws us to Himself. We see growth through the pain. Christ made the most difference through the pain of the cross. Praying healing will be offered in place of your pain.
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