"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009


****Possible Triggers****

“Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness.” (Juanita Ryan)

This is not an easy thing to face for any of us no matter what the trauma may have been as a child. To face the pain head on as an adult now is down right scary. The passage later goes on to say that there are certain parts that we need to be aware of which are the self critical/ judgmental (where we reject and criticize ourselves) part and even the compassion (where we learn to love ourselves) part, although is very hard to accept. (I am not there) Eventually having the understanding of the compassionate part is very vital to the healing process. But the most painful part is the “wounded part” which carries most of our pain of shame, fear and despair.

Our recovery cannot be done alone. Besides good, preferably Christian counseling, God needs to be involved! Many of us have difficulty trusting God to help us. I understand that! God understands that! We may be angry at Him for letting what happened to us happen. We may look at God as our earthly father, the one who beat, raped, ignored, criticized, verbally/emotionally abused us etc. We may see God as Not a loving father. We may even believe that God is angry with us or disappointed. But, that is the furthest from the truth.

Okay after saying all this, I struggle, just like the next person. I have many doubts, many questions, many frustrations to why the “bad” happened in my childhood from being sexually abused, neglected, feeling abandoned, parents splitting, moving away from home, etc. and the after-effects of a life that was more or less snuffed out due to the damage of my past.

Besides having good people now in my life that only want the best for me in my recovery, God does comes first. There are days you would call me on that statement, and I too would question myself also. Especially when I throw my fists up in the air full of rage and look heavenward spewing curse words and scream uncontrollably “why!!!” There are days where I do not want any part of Him, and then there are days I cannot be without Him! But, I know I cannot become complete if I do not trust Him! So, through good counseling, support of others that do understand my struggles and the reassurance that there is a God that does love me (even if I do not feel or understand in full what love is) unconditionally.

I used to be really scared to get angry at God. In fact, I thought I could not get angry with God because He would not like that and I would be condemned! I am so glad now, that I am more transparent with God and that is what He desires from all of us. (Give it a try) He knows what you are thinking and gonna say before you even do it anyway, so why try and fake God out. You cannot!! So even in my rage, I am very transparent with Him and I do not feel half as bad as I used to when I would go-off on God!! I mean, He made me, so He knows what He’s getting. One thing I have noticed about myself after having one of my many “open and honest” discussions with God, is that I do not feel as much guilt about how I approached Him at times in anger. I am not gonna candy-coat my pain for God! Believe me, He can handle it!


  1. Holy Hannah.... I have always felt this way. So many staunch christians tell you you must be reverent at ALL times which is simply not true. God made us, God knows the plan therefore he knows what falls between our births & our earthly deaths. He expects us to be honest to the point of complete rawness.

    I always feel very nervous around people who are very uptight about the process of talking to God. You must this and you must that... as though it were some sort ritual. I tend to believe God want's my honest self communicating with him not what the populous wants.

    You keep having your talks. You keep being the real authentic you in his prescence. Lovely post and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Tammy

  2. Tammy, thank you for your response. If anything, I am learning that transparentcy is so vital, especially to God. I still have reverance for God and respect. But, if you saw me 10 years ago, I was so faky it is not even funny! Blessings.

  3. I have such a hard time turning to God to help me. I went through my adolescence thinking I was alone. That lead me to a feeling I wasn't worthy of His love... and no one ever told me any different. So in the hardest of times, it is even harder for me to reach out. I still feel unworthy.

  4. Lisa Marie, appreciate your honesty and I totally understand where you are coming from. Just you admitting it is the first step. God does understand your pain and will always be there waiting for you when you call on Him! Blessings.

  5. Amen, God wants all of your pain and emotions, never be afraid to release them to Him. He is tough enough to handle them. I love you.

  6. SO TRUE...I would NOT be here today had it not been for my Heavenly Father....HE and I have been through some tough stuff, but HE never left me.
    Blessings, andrea

  7. You know honesty is an important step in your recovery process and leaning on God to help you throughout is the only way out.

    I don't know what you have personally gone through myself, but I want you to know that I am so proud of you for not only posting a blog on your recovery and process, but for sharing with all of us, what each day is like for you.

    God understands and knows your struggles that you will face in the day to day as well as in the long run, but just by including Him in the process you can never go wrong.

    You are a survivor and I am so so proud of you. Thank you for all you are doing and continue to do. We love and accept you as you are, and are here for you through the whole process.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  8. You are right on JBR. God can handle whatever we're throwing around! I know as a parent, I'd rather my children talk, scream, whatever...rather than clam up. At least then the lines of communication are open. Very good post. You are surely helping others! Hugs!

  9. Hi JBR,
    This is such an amazing and heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing.

    Blessings and Hugs,

  10. Some of my greatest breakthroughs and times of closest relationship with God were during and after screaming matches. Even hollering at Him is a form of relationship. And you are right, He can handle it. Screaming at Him is a far cry from turning away from Him.

  11. Denise-I have and am so learning this, thank you! Blessings!
    Andrea-Comforting to know that He has always been with you. Blessings!
    H2H-Thank you for your very kind words. God is certainly part of my recovery process indeed. Blessings!
    HeartfeltHeartLook-That is so good about desiring your children to open up. I was a clam. Blessings!
    Finally Free-My pleasure. Appreciate the encouraging comment. Thank you. blessings!
    Being Made New-I liked what you said that even hollering at God is a form of relationship. As a lot of the time, that is all one can really do. Blessings!

  12. JBR, you are getting more and more logical in your blogging thoughts. I'm pretty sure God is a logical Thinker/Thought.

    And it is not only interesting, but FUN to notice you Just Being Real with God!

  13. that's an excellent extract. and one that takes lots of work and time.

  14. I have recently dropped my idea of God being an angry God. God is pure love however we are. Really great post I enjoyed reading it.

  15. speckofdust-Thank you for sharing and glad you find that God's anger is not bad.
    Shadow-Thank you Shadow and yes does take some work.
    Saving Grace-I know dear one. Thank you for sharing.
    Stevie-Appreciate you comment. Thank you.
    Blessings all!

  16. Good that your getting your feelings and pain out.

  17. I think when you grow up sort of detached because of what's going on around you, it's great to realize that you don't have to be detached with God. You are who you are. He loves you anyway. And, you're right, He can handle you.

  18. stuck-in-the-middleAugust 06, 2009

    JBR what a heavy post! Your relationship with god seems to be growing through all of this. Hang in there!

  19. A revealing post. The fact that you can be so bold and face God the way you do is remarkable. God Bless.

  20. I have seen your comments on other blogs I follow and noticed yours as a new follwer of mine.. TY, I have read briefly your profile and some of the posts on here. You blog is amazing. I to am finding God is back in my life, slowly, I do have a few things in common with you, will leave it at that. Goodluck in your healing, your future is looking BRIGHTER.. I will come back SMILES

  21. Inky-Thank you for the visit and sharing a bit. Glad that God is in your life. Blessings!
    Onthewaynow-I was not always like this. Scared to death to approach God in a negative way. Thank you for your comment. Blessings!
    stuck-Continued thank you for your support. Blessings!
    Madison-Amen. I am "trying" to be who I am. God knows who I am. I will one day know who I am. Thank you. Blessings!
    Anonymous-It helps to be able to share my pain not only with God but with others. Thank you. Blessings.

  22. I am so grateful that there is nothing God can't handle.

    Thanks always for you comments on my blog.


  23. Remember sweet one, even Jesus got angry. I am walking in your shoes with these same struggles as well. The one thing about God is that no matter how angry or upset we get with Him, he never rejects us or turns us away. He never says that He needs time to heal His hurt feelings because we burst into a rage of anger toward Him. He embraces us the second we call out to Him, unlike those in our lives here on earth. He promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us. I'm glad you shared this post with us. I couldn't have spoken the words any better. {{{HUGS TO YOU}}}

  24. Not much to add to this. Except have you quit accepting the responsibility for the actions of them who harmed you? If not then stop it. If so the Ya doing good kiddo.

  25. I was like you, JBR ... scared of feeling anger towards God. I'm still working on it.

  26. AD-Thanks for your comment. Appreciate your honesty towards your feelings of God. Blessings.
    WalkingMan-We all have different stages of healing. Some take longer than others. Something that cannot be rushed. Blessings.
    Rhonda-I needed to read that again that God never does reject us no matter how angry we can become towards Him. Thank you. Blessings.
    PG-Always a pleasure to read your comments of support and to see how far you have come also. Blessings.

  27. Anger is the one feeling I try to keep a tight control over. I know it there, but afraid of telling God or anyone,

  28. Theres power in the name of jeSus as you work through your problems. God bless you in your endeavors.

  29. Praying for you!

  30. Was shocked to read such a powerful post! What realness!

  31. Hi,
    Just dropping by today to share to you an on-going challenge in my site about sharing the gospel in 140 characters or less. Hope you can join: Tweet The Gospel

    God Bless you!

  32. Children cannot emotionally process abuse. When they become adults it continues to be a struggle. The anger that comes out is usually directed to the one who loves you the most. It could be a husband or wife or in your case...the Lord. That is not the "real" you. I really can't explain it but what you really want is to be heard. You want to be understood. How many children had to keep "dirty little secrets" bottled up in them?
    Your transparency to the Lord is a wonderful thing. He knows your heart and your hurts.

  33. JBR, can I get something off my chest in your comments? Hope you don't mind. I need to tell someone because it's eating at me. Last night my in laws came over. I dislike my in laws greatly. Let's just say when we have kids they will NEVER be left alone with my in laws. I don't trust them. I sense that my grandfather-in-law is a perv. He always hugs just a little too long, etc. Well last night he hugged my goodbye and then rested his hand on the top of my butt. I feel icky gross. I hate it. I hate him.

  34. YaYa, feel free to share here. You have every right to feel icky. He SHOULD NOT have done that at all to you!!!! I am so very sorry you had to go through that! I had what was called an uncle after my mother remarried and all these new faces appeared in my life who hugged just a little too much of me also and I felt soooo uncomfortable!!! I avoided him like the plague.

  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

  36. Sorry, that was my bad. I wasn't able to edit something so I had to do a new one. .....
    I've learned that God is the ONLY One I can really open up to fully. If I were to unleash or unload my pain on anyone else, they would be too quick to judge and/or label me. They would also become easily offended and have nothing to do with me anymore. At least that's been the pattern all my life so far. :)

  37. Oh Sew Good, thank you for being honest. God is certainly one that will NOT judge us. We can be as open and transparent as we like with Him. I am becoming more free in this area realizing I will not be struck down by lightening if I rant and rave. Thanks for sharing.

    Anonymous-Thank you for your input. Yes, I do want to be heard!

    To anyone else I might have missed replying, thank you.

  38. Thanks JBR.

  39. i really like your article i suffered a lot of

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