WHAT DID IT COST ME?

"What Did It Cost Me?"

That is the question that was posed to me in my last t. session.

In t., all along we agreed the divorce of my parents was where I "shut down emotionally." At the age of ten or eleven. Since my journey to freedom some three years ago, come October 8th, I have always stated generally my parents divorce had severely messed me up.

My t. would like me now to list, "what exactly did the divorce and the dysfunction of my parents do to me?"

"What Did It Cost Me?"

Getting now to the crux of the pain. Not just the pat answers anymore of, "I felt bad." "I became sad and unhappy." "I was angry."

No!

"What Did It Cost Me?"

Thursday t. session has really affected me. I left in a daze. Was able to retain what transpired. But, I knew how difficult what was asked of me and what lay ahead would only benefit me in the end if I wanted to have my freedom.

I thought all day about what the divorce did to me. Getting bummed out and angry. But that is probably expected. As I continue to connect emotionally.

I always pray for God's protection ahead before I tackle these memories. My mind is an an open field for the enemy to come in and make matters worse with his stupid input.

So......some of the questions I have been thinking about these past couple of days consisted of:

What did it cost me that my parents fought? What did it cost me that I did not get the attention from my father? What did it cost me that they first separated and my dad moved out? What did it cost me that my mother remarried and I was forced to live with her and a new man that was to be "another father" in my life? What did it cost me not to have my real father around? What did it cost me to lose my childhood friends? What did it cost me to start a new school and be threaten to be beat up my first day because I was new and different? What did all of this cost "little JBR" at the time.

I will share a couple of the answers...

First "What did it cost me when my parents verbally fought in front of me?" "It cost me security." Fear would grip my heart so tightly like a vice when I saw and witnessed their rage. That is why I cringe and cannot watch debates or intense arguing between people. I get so very frightened. I want to hide. It is hard to come by to give my opinion on a matter. As well as hard for me to speak up for myself out of fear of retaliation and rejection.

It also "cost me guilt." Blaming myself for their anger and divorce. And to this day, if I am confronted on something, my mind automatically goes to "I did something wrong. I am guilty." Without even knowing the circumstances.

And by far the next one is the most painful... "What did it cost me when my father did not listen, become impatient or belittle me?" "It cost me my self-worth. Along with shame." That I had no voice. I was a "no-body." Shamed I could not catch on quickly. Resulting in hating myself. Putting myself down and not trying before others would have the opportunity to do so. Or tell me to give up. Always thinking everyone is better than me.

"It also cost me who I am." Since I believed how I was was not to my fathers liking, I would "try" and please him in a way I thought would please him. Only to find out he became even more irritable and annoyed with me. Telling me to stop! As I craved his attention and became a nuisance. That is why people pleasing is such a strong hold for me.

But, the biggest thing that this question cost me was, "It cost me love." I had to really think on this one. Because I do not know what true love is. I saw it as if my dad did not pay attention to me. . . he then did not care. Trying to remember how did my father show physical affection towards me? I may have gotten an occasional hug. But, that is about it. Resulting in how I perceive God as well these days. Hard for me to give and accept love. As I did not get it. Painfully sad to me all the years I have missed out and what was taken from me in opportunities to experience and give love.

There are emotions that are just too difficult to put down on paper because there is no way how to explain them in writing. Those kind of emotions are sooooo deep that the only way to explain them is just plainly to experience them. And if you happen to be there at the time of me going through one of them, you then would understand.

What I shared is only the tip of the iceberg. It took a lot out of me emotionally and physically to write this post. Getting up early to start it as my heart was heavy. Even what I shared I felt was very shallow. Hard to put really deep pain into words. My mind can only handle so much.

But, I am certain, and assured, by going through the pain now is the only way to freedom! Forgiving will be a tough one to conquer. But it is a requirement to pass The Freedom test.

Sure, the opportunities of my past are gone. Yet God can give me new ones.