I still find myself grieving some of my past. There are still areas that have not been dealt with that coincide with my present. Being laid off has brought up some emotional grief and anger that I would not think mattered. But God is showing me I still have stuff to work on.
I have pretty much grieved my family falling apart and my parents divorce when I was still a child. My father's neglect and my feelings of abandonment, still haunt me, but not as severe as once before.
Maybe one day I will be able to fully grieve my father's passing some 23 years ago. I was so very disconnected back then. Surviving in my la-la land world. Even while my father was dying. At his funeral. Everyone around me was grieving and crying. Not me.
My roommate at the time had tears streaming down her face, and she had never even met my father. I was too afraid to grieve. Ironically enough, the thing my father frowned upon with us children were tears. He gave that disapproval look if I began to cry. Shaming me that this "normal" function was not allowed. So wouldn't you know it.... there were no tears for him from me when he died.
In Matthew 5:4 Jesus states that, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." It is like a blessing from Jesus to everyone who is courageous enough to grieve. God sees grieving as healing. An opportunity for Him to comfort us.
Understanding in my terms, what comfort means to me, is I can weep so very deeply and even rage/lash out in front of God without fear of retribution. All the while.....and here are those words I find difficult to utter, "he loves me" through the pain. Healing then begins and continues.
Grieving is not easy. Down right exhausting at times. Mentally and physically spent. Takes a lot out of me. Grieving is part of the healing process and takes determination in facing the full range of my emotions, as best as I am able at this time, that God has given me. Very hard and painful work. But, God knows the process will produce positive results in the end.
Through the pain, God promises in Isaiah 40:29 that, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
In replenishing my weariness during this time, God does not reject or shame me for my weakness. God can still administer strength and power during my greatest time of need. Amen!
Grieving isn't easy... and when there are other extenuating issues in play, that only complicates things to the next level...
ReplyDeleteMy Dad died 15 years ago, which set off a host of issues with my brothers and sisters, and then in just a few more months, my wife and I divorced... causing issues with the children.
I still have issues that I guess I need to resolve... but I'm not exactly sure what they are.
Peace to you... you will find the time, and the way...
~shoes~
God doesn't say how we are to grieve. For you showing up to your father's service sounds like an amazingly selfless thing. I will pray for you to find the emotional strength to grieve the loss of your job, the brokenness of your family, and all of life's battles.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing in your writing and thoughtfulness. The people you are touching with your honesty matters.
Grieving hurts! Sometimes it is easier to cover it up and not think about it. But like you quoted in Matthew, when you mourn you will be comforted.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you my girl,
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Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve.
ReplyDeleteGrieving is such a hard process. There's also nothing wrong with taking breaks and processing piece by piece. You are doing well taking it at your own pace. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteGrieving does bring healing but it is the worst pain ever.
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