My dependency on having people like me was very important through out most my life. Growing up in a critical and judgmental atmosphere which brought tremendous shame, guilt and condemnation. Made me strive to be someone I was not. Be a plastic printout. I became what I thought others wanted me to be. I did not want to be wrong. It hurt when my flaws and failures were pointed out. Made me feel worse about myself. I wanted to please. I did not want people to see my flaws. My pain. Did not want to be criticized or God forbid make a mistake. Show my imperfections. I did not want to be HURT or laughed at. I just thought I would be accepted if I was this perfect person I pretended to be.
I was never ever the real me. I had no opinion, no boundaries, no say in anything. I let people control me. Walk over me. Put me down. Shame me. Use me. Criticize me. I would always agree with the other party or knew them well enough to suggest what "they" wanted. Never what I wanted. The pain of all the put downs, sneers, shaming fingers pointing at me, took their toll on my belief system.
As the saying goes, "I have come a long way baby." I try and be as authentic as I can now. It is a learning process. I still am cautious at times for fear of being hurt. Especially when I meet someone new. I still have the tendency, out of fear, to size people up. Seeing if it is safe enough to be myself. Showing me that I still have some work in this area.
I think sometimes when I think it is safe to be me, I still end up hurt. I think there may always be people who hurt...our skin just is hard while our heart stays tender. Despite the hurt, God wants us to be ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThere is a huge cost to being someone we are not and there is a huge cost to being ourselves..... :)
ReplyDeleteBlessings.....
Glad that you are making progress every day, JBR. This message really resonated with me. I struggle with this same issue. It's enough to drive you crazy some days! Thanks for sharing. xx
ReplyDeleteI believe that no matter what we do or say whether we are right or wrong, there will always be people that will not agree with us or like us. They might not like that we are too nice or too humble or being frank and confident or believers The best way is be ourselves, do our best and let God do the rest. Just see others with God's eyes. Then it will be easy to forgive those that hurt us. Have a nice day:)
ReplyDeleteYes...you have come a long way, baby. On the road to real with you.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Tammy
PTL He has brought you and many a long way ...are we not thankful for His Power and Might that overtakes the power and might of the evil one! Hugs JBR
ReplyDeleteYou help me get in touch with my feelinghs JBR. I 've been a people pleaser
ReplyDeletethanks for just being real... :)
ReplyDeleteYour making wonderful progress. I have since so much positive growth in the last several months.
ReplyDeleteWay to go!