"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, April 04, 2013


I shared today in therapy part of a transcript from this weeks "Life Today" program. Chrysty Sturdivant, a sexual abuse survivor and author was the guest. The program was very enlightening. Although surface. You can say just so much on sexual abuse without being censored. Especially on a Christian program.

As my Heavenly Daddy continues to heal me, I am able to "feel" more and more to the emotions and feelings of the sexual abuse.

The more I talk about and see others talk about their abuse, the more I am finding out my heart is connecting. I think this is only possible because I am at the same time connecting more to my Heavenly Daddy. If this was not possible, I do not believe I would be able to handle the feelings I am feeling now with my memories. That is why I shut down in the first place. My little mind could not process. Let alone understand what was happening.

Chrysty stated an absolute truth:

"Sexual abuse survivors want to tell. It is locked up in here but they really want to tell--just tell someone. Their behavior show it--their behaviors mostly."

With that being said I tried telling my parents one evening when I was around eleven that the relative we just finished visiting, the boy (who was about 3 years older than I) who was the grandson of my father's uncle, was sexually groping and making advances towards me. I remember I was just developing physically and his hands were all over me. I did not know what was happening. The attention I was receiving from the boy was interesting I thought, but at the same time scary.

On our car ride home from the visit, I can vividly see myself in the back seat, along side my brother (who was abusing me at the same time) where I began stammering out what happened that evening. My parents just poo pooed whatever I told them happened to me. And the conversation was quickly over.

So, in my child's mind I believed what happened to me that night and the abuse from my brother I deserved and was normal.

Explains a whole lot of my behavior later on. How I had no boundaries with boys. Since I was so isolated and shut down at home, the majority of my sexual encounters took place in Junior High School.

My goodness I see now I was just a child then as well. Thirteen. Since I had no validation from my parents that sexual abuse was wrong, I let the boys have their way and I did not tell my story until some fifty years later in therapy.

What seems to be a common thread among survivors of sexual abuse is, we try and analyze "why." Somehow to justify the guilt and shame we bring on ourselves. Today was no exception.

One thing my therapist wanted me to walk away with today was to try and "not" analyze why I did not question what my brother did to me. Big JBR is trying to analyze why the little one did not do this or question that while she was being molested.

Realizing today that only the little one was present at the time of the abuse. There was no Big JBR at the time. Only the little one and her simple child's mind was present. The little one could not process the overwhelming abuse. So, to have Big JBR try an analyze the why's and how's of those memories would be futile. Big JBR cannot.

Instead when the memories come up, to continue to let God enter in and ask Him or wait on Him with whatever he wants to reveal in the memory.


  1. Saying prayers for you.

  2. This makes good sense to me, Grace - thank you for posting your thoughts. I have a tendency to analyze the things I did or allowed when I was young forgetting that I'm doing it from an adult perspective and the young me did not have the knowledge that I currently have.

    It's sad that your parents didn't listen to you. Kids need their parents love, support and help. (Not that I had it but looking back I can see how much harm this caused me and I can relate to your words here. It's a terrible wound when those who are supposed to love you the most do not care enough to help. May God heal us.)


  3. Beautiful post JBR. This is great that healing is coming to you! It feels great when God opens our eyes to the reasons why we felt a certain way to our past!
    I pray God continues to heal you and let you connect with your little girl!
    Hugs and blessings friend ♥

  4. This post makes it very clear. It's true when you were so young, you just didn't understand what was happening, so it was impossible for you to analyze it. Wishing you continued healing and peace.

  5. You are progressing more and more, and it is evident in your posts. So proud of you, and continuing to pray for you!

  6. Our perspective on things change by the time we are young adults and how we process things and remember things is very different from when we are children. Children are innocent, trusting and very naive; easily led astray. I have noticed this from watching my children go from kids to youth/young adults, they change and their thinking process changes too. The reasoning my daughter will give me today from something she did 10 years ago is totally different from the reasoning she gave me 10 years ago. I figure either she didn't fully tell me the truth years ago or now her reasoning perceives it differently. Since I know my daughter was very truthful I go with the fact that she is perceiving it differently today.

    Continuing to pray for you hon. :)

  7. Sounds to me like you are starting to realize you are not to blame. You were young, big JBR was not there to protect you. Be well!

  8. (((JBR)))). God bless.

  9. I really want to share this at my face book page because I believe there are a few of my 'followers' that need to read this...some are still at a place where they believe..'this is normal'..'it wasn't that bad'..'nothing really happened'...'it was all my fault.'...

  10. I'm glad to hear that your Heavenly Daddy is helping you to talk about these issues with your therapist and others so He can heal your heart. As I read your story here, my soul inside me cried.

    Take care, and may you always keep your trust in Heavenly Daddy.



  11. JBR I'm so very sorry what happened to you. I hope you know that. I say it all the time. But I really want you to know I'm sorry. At the same time I'm happy for your recovery process. God is in control. God Bless.

  12. Every time you talk about Little JBR struggling to understand the horrible atrocities that happened to her, I picture my self running up to her (literally, a little girl in my mind that happens to be wearing a summer dress and her hair in long braided pigtails) and giving her the biggest hug. Little JBR (and Big JBR), it's very unlikely that you are going to find a satisfactory explanation for what happened to you, because there IS NO SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION FOR ABUSE. The only things we can do are survive it and overcome it and flourish. You're doing that. It's great to see.

    Be well,

  13. Annie (and I) understand. Take time to laugh and be free, Treat lil JBR to some bubbles of a candy bar, k?
    Love Gail/Annie <3

  14. Hi JBR! It's been awhile since I've visited your blog, as I've been away from the entire blogging community for awhile. I love to hear that you are still doing your inner work and growing. Asking WHY is very common in trauma survivors, both child and adult, and is a real barrier in recovering for many people. As adults we can try to grasp the spiritual concept that sometimes bad things happen for no other reason except that evil exisits and God will use it for His glory at some point now or in eternity. This is much harder to get a child to understand, which is why most children will naturally believe that the abuse was somehow their fault. I highly recommend the book Why Bad Things Happen to Good People. It's really helped me personally with some of my own crap as well as in supporting others in their own healing. I believe it's safe to say that God is using you immensely as you so vulnerably share your growth with us. God bless you, my friend!

  15. JBR, I too am not in the blogging community as much as I have been in the past. When I do have the honor of visiting you, I am both profoundly proud of big JBR and always tear up for little JBR. Since I had emotional abuse, I can only understand a teeny tiny bit of what it must have been like for little JBR. Physical abuse is such a violation of your person, while emotional abuse is a violation of our minds. Yet, both leave scars and questions without real answers. Yet, I understand the profound need to try to find answers, try to understand in your heart what the mind cannot wrap around. I send hugs to both little and big JBR. May the Lord continue to hold you tightly and love your abundantly as you step out and share your pain so that others too may start to risk the healing process from abuse.

  16. You are clearly healing and progressing! I know you are inspiring others in their journey too!

  17. I'm glad that you are continuing to let God peel more and more layers off of you so that you can be healed. It's a tough process. Many sexual abuse survivors had a difficult time saying "no", including myself. But I know God has forgiven me.

  18. my heart wells up with love and prayers
    for you, sweet JBR.
    love and lift to every part of your beautiful heart,

  19. Sometimes I think that victory is the sweetest when we feel like we have experienced defeat; we may not be able to change yesterday but we can change today with our Father's love, wisdom and guidance! Every moment we spend worrying about the past is a moment we could spend learning from our trials and mistakes so that we can become more faithful and trust who God created us to be! Blessings and praise to you dear Grace for sharing, healing, and trusting! :)

  20. I pray you continue to let God heal you...such hard memories to have

  21. what a great lesson! your adult self knows things that your child self did not know! that truth is life changing because it takes away blame and responsibility. i think it is awesome that God is using you to minister to others as you are learning through this. it makes me think of Rick Pino's song Pioneer. You may be pioneering but others will take the road faster because of the path you have forged. many blessings!