This post is going to be random thoughts and what ever comes to my mind. So, excuse whatever run on sentences and choppyness I may produce.....
I am going into my third day of my new/old job.
My biggest fear was the once again transition into the world of "people" and responsibility and submitting under authority that produces such fear with me! Of failure!
Since the six years since I left, they added more responsibility to my position. Responsibility has been something I never liked in life period. Because my mum never really let me be responsibile growing up. She did most of everything for me. Criticizing me saying I do things too fast and not thourough. Then at the same time my father would complain that I do not have responsibility. Then would criticize me.
So, when I became of age in the real world, as a "fail safe" I would go into negative, putdown mode before I even had a chance to work on and go through responsibility. In order to already set myself up for failure, because "when I failed" I already knew and planned it in my mind that I was not capabile to do the task.
So, leave it to my Heavenly Daddy to bring this issue to me now. Give my new position at my job a great big responsiliby that I do NOT feel comfortable with.
The two days at my job, while being trained for my new task, kiddingly I would through out the day make negative comments such as "I hope I can do this" and "I don't know" (sarcastically) to the girl I am replacing.
I see my pattern for survival and doubt. I know why I do what I do. I know how I operate cutting myself down before I give a chance to myself. This frustrates me sooo much now. Only because I am trying to heal in this part of my journey and am battling the enemy satan and his lies that I am this dumb idiot that will get reprimanded by my bosses when things do not go well and get blamed. Bringing up painful fear based incidents of my past. Making my sleep disturbed with fear.
So basically, this post is triggering BIG TIME my fear of having the finger pointed at me and yelling at me that you did this and that wrong. Crushing my self worth!
I thought I would be stronger in this area, but then again I think I am more aware so that is a plus. I am addressing the situation in my head and battling the lies. But, it is a struggle with my feelings. My little girl is cowaring.
Because I Do Not Want To Get Hurt. I remember the crushing pain of both my parents coming down on me. Especially my father. The hurt to my little girls heart. The cringing I feel even now in my body of the sadness, failure, fear and the physcial sideaffects it brings of nausea, body aches, trembling and sweating. I do not want to disappoint. Fail. This is where my people pleasing is still very evident. I do not want my bosses to think I am stupid so I will put enormus pressure on myself to do things exceptionally right! Causing at times physical and emotional stress even more.
Before I conclude, thank you all for your encouragement, kind words and prayers. Please continue with them.... If you need specifics, please pray that I do not beat myself up unmercifully as I learn this new task. That I become conscience of the words I say about my capability to myself and to others. Even if I kid about it. Help me to keep my mouth shut when I am ready to be negative. It is my safety mechanisim and how I have done this all my life in order to prevent me from accomplishing many things in life. Basically losing out on my life because of the fear of failure, ridicule and whatever else goes along with it. Sure, I can put on a strong front, but I am dying inside still. My little girl is very small during these times and is hurting terribly of the shame. Shame I am no good.
Somewhere in my messed up belief system, to fail means I am no good and I am not liked and laughed at.
Even though my bosses are nice, they are professional and so work oriented.
I am so fearful of failure. Fear of authority yelling (steming from parents) at me for doing something wrong. That is why I either avoid and/or already set myself up for failure and when it happens some how the blow is not as bad for I already have planted the failure and name calling I let satan get away with in my mind to happen. And believe it. Even though I know NOW it is not truth.
I know my Heavenly Daddy wants to pull more out of me!!!
So where is God in all this? He is there! Oh yes, His presence and His awareness is very evident through this struggle. Daddy knows and even I know that He is stretching me! I DON'T LIKE IT!!! But, I know it is the process of growth in trusting Him! I know He is good. I know He is with me. Still, this humanness (which I know He understands) hurts something awful. And it is real! Real. Real. Real.
At these times I want time to just stand still. Not advance so I do not have to go through the pain.
This particular stronghold of fear and failure is really sodered together. Tightly! No gaps. The sronghold will need emmense prying away. A solvant. A solvant of God's love to melt and release the fear and shame to Him. Permanently.
Though I have improved tremendously in some other areas, this remaining one is a Big and Tough one! I do not want this one extra responsiblity throw my whole work experience arye. Like you can get 100 compliments, but it is that one non compliment that you will always remember and forget the other 100.
Am I going to surrender to what God wants to do in my life?????? Or am I just going to give up?
On a side note, ironically enough I just found out today that the person I trained (it was a man) that replaced me when they "supposedly disolved" my position after nearly five years.......just quit.
Asking God to cover you with His love and protection.
ReplyDeletePrsying for God-given patience for you as you settle back into the job. You are not alone. C
ReplyDeleteMy hopes and prayers for you dear sister, is to realize your great worth and potential! Remember that God created you to be the wonderful and gifted person that you are, so whenever you doubt yourself you are doubting who He created you to be. Be confident, and know that you are a unique and precious gift my dear friend! :)
ReplyDeleteHugs and bunches of love! :) :)
Denise
Again, a post I can really relate to.
ReplyDeleteI held a position of great responsibility as well as authority...doing something that sometimes tore my heart right out...This is how I coped with it (first of all I knew if I did not do the job someone less compassionate would do it and so I felt and knew God had placed me there for a season).
But at times when I felt less confident, which was often, I would do something that I learned to do when I was young...detach...I would put on the personna necessary to get the job done while safeguarding my real (inner) self as much as possible...I operated on co-pilot much of the time, allowing arrows to fly (people cussing and threatening me)...knowing that none would pierce through the armour God cloaked me with. This worked for several years. When God told me it was time to leave that position I reluctantly obeyed...but he knew best, as the position now requires carrying a firearm as well as a few other things that only the police department should be handling!
I pray for the full armour of God to clothe you and equip you to do the job that you are capable of doing...And do not fret about the little girl in you...she will be kept safe In Jesus~Amen~
Blessings and love,
Lisa
Oh hon, you can do this!! Keep your eyes on Jesus and just take it one step at a time. Don't look at the big picture but just what is in front of you. You are smart so I just know that you will be capable of handling this load and you will enjoy it. We are here to support you in prayer and to encourage you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you dear one. :)
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JBR you're doing great. Let me encourage you. This is all about life and growing. Somehow in the end what we go through is all beneficial. Hang in there with the all knowing one. He's your strength. You're much loved dear JBR. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI CAN RELATE WITH NEVERFORSAKEN TO. I'M SORRY YOUR STRUGGLING NOW. I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO KNOWING I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AT TIMES. MY SYMPATHY.
ReplyDeleteGrace, Have you ever read the book "Hinds Feet on High Places? I would highly recommend it...especially now as you are working through your fears of failure. I'm keeping you in prayer.
ReplyDeleteHi JBR, like your blog title says Just be real. Do not worry about finger pointing in your mind, we all know who is doing that. Just as you were taken away from that job, now you have been put back there and there will be a reason for it. God only requires that we be ourselves and allow Him to change anything in us that needs changing or strengthening and take away our fear. Many people have thought that I have so much confidence because of the things that the Lord has brought me to do, but I have done and still do all things in His strength, not my own, and I have long ago learned not to worry if I do not fit into everybody's idea of what I should be like. I am me and I treat everything that happens to me as God using those things in my life to mould and shape me, and I don't have to come up to anybody's standards, just do my best. God bless and enjoy your time in your job - with no fears.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you here, Grace. Sending you a big hug and wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteI remember having nightmares during the first 3 months when I was new in Corrections. It was because it was a different environment than the hospital where I used to work. Familiarity is the key. Before being comfortable. I pray that you would get familiar with all the things you used to do and the new ones you have to learn. Until you get comfortable. Remember, fear is not bigger than He...God bless you JBR!
ReplyDeleteIndeed He is right there. Praying for you.
ReplyDeletePraying for your JBR! I know what's that like. God is stretching me too and its a bit of an experience. All this does is make us stronger and more dependent on Him!
ReplyDeleteStay strong in our Daddy! He will provide! Hugs!
It is wonderful you, with God, have the confidence to work with people. I understand your feelings perfectly because I have the same problem. I do pray you won't be hard on yourself or worry about what bosses will say. I pray you will sleep well. I know the pain you feel. God bless you.
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