"I used to be so hung up on trying to get people to treat me the way they wanted me to treat them. I tried so hard. Now I realize that I put a ton of energy into working on relationships with people who didn't actually care!" ~ Darlene Ouimet
I guess with any addiction such as alcohol and drugs, co-dependency is right up there with them. Like with an alcoholic it would just take one drink for them to possibly fall off the wagon. Where with co-dependency it would take one desired unhealthy relationship that you could possibly fall off the wagon as well.
Out of the hurt of past rejection and emotional abandonment, my latter years I strived, as Darlene did, for people to like me. Becoming what I thought they wanted me to become.
I perfected my craft of "masking" who the real me was. Wore the mask of acceptance. If that meant not having a voice. That was me. If that meant doing things I knew was not pleasing to God, I would still do it. Out of my own hurt and pain I responded this way. That is how strong this disease can be.
Having always a servant spirit, makes me more vulnerable to please. But, now I am much more emotionally healthier/stable and use my servant spirit for my Daddy's glory.
HI There! Thank you for visiting me on my blog today, and being such a blessing for me.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you feel you have turned a corner in knowing who you are. How beautiful is your realization that you turned to being accepted, but that it silenced you in the process? I am so happy, seeing your new freedom in God. Beautiful!
So happy to meet you!
Ceil
ReplyDeleteDon't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
had to do in two parts part 2 below
Delete
ReplyDeleteI don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Charles C. Finn
September 1966
Hi JBR,
ReplyDeleteWith Jesus front and center you will continue to walk the path He made for you. :)
Hugs my friend.
<><
JBR - I totally relate to this! What freedom is found when we can just be who God made us to be! Took me a lot of years to figure that one out.
ReplyDeleteWow, God really has His finger on this now. He is setting captives free and I know that when He begins such a great work in us, we become His creation not just fulfilling man's expectations! His spirit is at work! We're looking more like Him.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how many kinds of masks we can see wherever we are only if they are visible? But even if they are not, thanks be to God for His renewal and making us realize our true nature destroys instead of helping us. Only His way is the right one to don on us...Blessings.
ReplyDeleteHi JBR,
ReplyDeleteAmen to the last sentence you have written in your post. We all have certain qualities that can be used to serve the Lord, and I think if we try to fit in with other peoples requirements then we won't even know ourselves. One of my characteristics has always been a strong will. When it was used to serve myself it was an enemy to God. When I became born again of God's Holy Spirit, that strong will gradually became a tool to do what the Lord required of me. It is also being used to help to do things like apologize to somebody when I know I have done or said something wrong instead of trying to justify myself. God bless you as you serve our lovely Lord.
God has His hand all over your life my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou are naking great progress.... As a people pleaser myself I understand the struggle. Keep pushing onward
ReplyDeleteOh, Grace! How I can relate to your post! No wonder I used to feel drained all the time - it takes a lot of energy wearing a mask and trying to be someone other than yourself just to please others. I did this for more than half my life and it was exhausting. To be honest, I don't know how I did it - even my smiles felt fake half the time. It wore me out.
ReplyDeleteNow I smile half as much...but at least they are real.
You have come so far, my friend. I knew you would and I know you will continue to conquer everything in your path because God is with you. I pray for you often because if ever there was a person who I hope overcomes every and all obstacles it is you.
Many hugs and blessings, Grace - your insights amaze me.
Grace, you are just fine the way you are. There is no need for you to change or hide yourself or who you are for others. Hugs and blessings to you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteWow! Masking, I constantly felt that way in early recovery, trying to create a persona in order to gather approval from others. It took me a few 24 hours to realize that I needed to be myself, and if people didn't like me for who I was, then they held no value in my life, and probably wouldn't value me as me. Love the blog! Keep it coming!
ReplyDeleteDaniel D
http://DriscollsRecoveryJewelry.com
http://youtu.be/WEr42oRShcw
Being who we are, as honestly as we can be is tough. If we trust in Him, why can we not let go.
ReplyDeleteBe strong, God Bless
popped by to wish you a beautiful Thursday....from my heart to yours.....:)
ReplyDeleteSame for me JBR. I too want people to like me so much because Daddy gave me such a big heart and I can't seem to be myself. Especially when my mom thinks I'm weird it really annoys me. But it's what our Daddy thinks of us what matters!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your work on the blog. I don't think I've ever commented but I have appreciated your humour and your recovery message. Morphine Addiction
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