I wear more than one mask.
Not just one outside in public, but even when I am by myself. I cannot even be comfortable with who I am alone. Was finally able to express myself as best as I could to my t. the other day about this. I feel I am always screaming inside trying to express this other mask, but just could not. The right words I could not find and then question myself if this even makes sense at all. Apparently it does. So, it did feel good to finally have someone understand just what I deal with “being alone” in my own fantasy world daily. Sure, I can understand someone putting on a mask in public, but to have it remain on in private, has always blown me away. I just lived with it. In essence I guess fooling even myself. The mask progressively became a part of me, enmeshing unhealthy beliefs even to this day. Hoping the time in between me catching myself going off into la-la land now will become shorter as I deal with this particular mask each minute, hour, day etc.
My ultimate goal in life also is to live 100% trusting God. To have my self-worth in Him alone. (I do realize some of you may not totally believe this, and that is okay) All my life I have let circumstances dictate how I feel. I am tired of this now and it really is not healthy. This is all I knew until I came out of denial and truly wanted to work on my problems. The only issue I hate about this process, is that it is going to take time. I mean it just did not happen over night that I became this way…..it took time. So the undoing will also take time. Ugh!!!
I am just so tired, and I know a lot of you can relate.
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i so understand what you say about a mask, even i private. for me it was pretty much what i admit i have to face and that was the last thing i wanted to do. but purely thinking about it, started cracking that mask. hang in there sweet girl!
ReplyDeletemask is a given. I can't answer truthfully right now about the private. You have given me something to think about. I do understand the tired part-- all too well. Rooting out the emotional garbage is hard work. You'll be able to look back on this time someday and see your journey with satisfaction. You will get there.
ReplyDeleteSorry-- I should be sleeping instead of trying to type. The first part of my comment (above) was supposed to read, "My public mask is a given."
ReplyDeleteAnd now that I feel like an even bigger than usual dunce, I am going to finish my coffee and go back to bed. :)
Tricia, you are too funny. Appreciate you, thanks!
ReplyDeleteShadow, I like what you said about "starting to crack" the mask. Thanks for the support dear one.
I was taught about allowing circumstances to dictate how I feel in CBT. It takes a lot of work to stop that from occurring, at least it does for me. Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself, please turn to your faith, and slowly you'll be able to lift that mask off when you're alone.
ReplyDeleteCan relate very much so. You call it "being alone" I called myself outsider. Outsider in inner and outer world. Still feel that way sometimes and even worse I consider myself still an outsider to the outside world. BUT: we are on the right track, learning so much every single second of a day. Big hug, thanks for sharing. Paula
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself dear one. This is hard work that you are doing. Rest in His love, and know that you are thought of today.
ReplyDeleteAD-Thank you for sharing your struggles also with the circumstances issue and being honest with your results.
ReplyDeletePaula&Skip, good terminology about being an "outsider." I like that too. Appreciate the hugs and encouragement.
Michele, ahhhhh, "rest" sounds so very peaceful, thank you.
Good that you are recognizing the other mask that you are wearing and working on the solution.
ReplyDeletePopeye had it close to correct, "I'yam what I'yam" or something like that.
ReplyDeleteGod does not intend for us all to be alike. I "should" never have to hide--but hide I do, as if I'm still in that state of "fear and paranoia". I prefer the state of Florida!
I definitely can relate. ((((((((((((JBR))))))))))))
ReplyDeletestuck-thanks!
ReplyDeleteStevie-Yep, something like that. I am sure Olive Oil would agree.
Marj-(((((Marj)))) Ditto.
Yes, i can definately relate
ReplyDeleteI can relate and recognition is the key...keep writing, it's powerful healing!!! Be patient friend.
ReplyDeleteYou go for it. I believe there is peace on the other side of your journey! God bless you as you go! And, I relate.
ReplyDeleteJBR - understanding and the realization of the mask..is the first step...or it was for "us"....we wear many. not comfortable, never...not yet...one day we and you will be whole and joyful...i wish this for you...safe hugs and love
ReplyDeleterainbow
I do relate sister, I am praying for you and I may never meat you, but I love you. Hand in Hand we walk together to greet our Father and He waits with open arms. He is there and He knows your heart. God bless you and I know you are trying. Love Tanya
ReplyDeleteTanya-Sorry you can relate. You are absolutely sweet. Thank you always dear one.
ReplyDeleteRainbow-I cannot imagine the many masks that you all wear. I have trouble enough with the few I wear. Thank you dear one!
The Things We Carry-Thank you for your return visit. Your encouragement is so very helpful.
Noelle-Sorry you can relate. I am told that writing is powerful, and I guess that is what I will try to continue to do, thank you for being here.
Polar Bear-Sorry that you too can relate. Thank you for sharing!
I used to take great pride in having multiple masks - I used to think it was part of my acting ability. It took me a long time to figure out that acting belongs on the stage and screen and is not useful in real life.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you so very hard that Jesus will provide His peace - just a little bit of peace for you especially. Be gentle and loving with yourself, as gentle and loving as you are with others.
Love and prayers
Amber
Amber-thank you so very much for your sincere prayers. So much appreciated!
ReplyDeleteI am sure that mask helped with your own mind's defense to survive. That mask will crack and fall off and you will emerge like a butterfly!
ReplyDelete