I find myself saying more and more in desperation these days to the Lord, “I am so tired.” Not just physically, but of fighting. Tired of fighting against Him. Who am I to think I can win a battle against the Lord? If anything, He Is For Me, Not Against Me! Then why do I continue to battle Him? Why is it just so hard to give my pain up to Him? Who would not want to give up the pain of childhood sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment and other crap? Why keep something so painful, like cherished gifts? In saying all this, I at the same time have never been so close to ‘breaking.’ Without a doubt, I am sooooo damn determined, that I will surrender all to Him. Just a matter of time. He has been waiting. Waiting for a very long time I am afraid!!! My turn next to end the wait. I know the H.S. is gentle, and will never force, but at the same time I am soooooooo very scared and so very stubborn!
I am really really really really really really struggling here!!!!!!
I really wish I had the weekend to myself. But being it is Mother’s Day on Sunday, I cannot avoid another one of my stumbling blocks….. “mother.” Right now I am not at a place where I can “happily endure.” Will end up doing my duty Sunday, leave and then a new day will dawn!
29 Real Comments:
I'm sorry you're having such a struggle. I hope your Sunday goes quickly.
Hang in there JBR, better days are to come.
You have a great blog! But I am sorry you are having such a struggle. I know you will be rewarded for the courage to face life head on. Thanks for visiting God Nuggets and your nice comments. I am a bird lover, too!
Try and evaluate what surrender means to you. It may be easier to approach it from a different angel.
"Matter of time" great title for a post. The title of my blog is..."And It Came To Pass". How many times does the Bible state this?. Over and over again.
No matter what is going on or happening in your life, it will pass.
So if your having a bad day today, just know it will pass. Bad day tomorrow? It will pass. I have to tell myself this all the time.
Of course we have to accept the fact that if we're on top of the world and all is good...well...that passes too!
Circle of Life. Round and round she goes.
Stay strong sweetie and hang in there. I'm praying for you.
I do understand your position, stay focus on Him rather than the pain. You are not alone and you have been set free by Him. Sweet day is coming, let the patience to perfect the work. Read James 1:2 -4.
I pray that His grace will sustaining and keeping you forever.
Grace and peace to you,
Hi again and thanks for visiting my blog when I was absent (so to speak)
Yeah I fought God for ten years - He won of course and is still winning. It has been eight years now when I said to God "OK, I'll marry you."
I was filled with immense relief. The fight was over - the fight with God anyway. I still had the other stuff to deal with.
My prayers are with you as always.
God Bless
Amber
hugs and love for you, you're doing great. stick it out.
Will be thinking of you, and praying that you get the strength and respite that you so deserve.
Hugs
Karen
"Strength does not come from winning
Your struggles develop your strength.
When you go through hardship
and decide not to surrender,
that is strength."
Found this and wanted to add to my above comment.
Praying for you . God is Faithful. Wear your armour. For we are kept in safety wherever we go, you will not be alone . For he has said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Blessings Dear,
GG
My experience has been such that I truly marvel at how much I allow myself to endure - how much pain and confusion I have to be in before I can surrender. I see this in others too all the time.
Thankfully, my experience also shows me that God is patient, loving, and waits till I'm ready. He holds me up during my struggles and never deserts me while I'm trying to get to that place where I can abandon myself entirely to Him.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Your strength which is a wonderful asset is also what makes it hard to just 'let go' (IMHO) Healing will come in TIME.
Love and prayers to you,
Prayer Girl
JBR you are doing good. Keep the hope and strength.
Isn't that the hardest thing of all...letting go of self. When we battle with God we are usually saying, "God you just don't understand my situation and I know more about it than you." You are not alone in your feelings, trust me. I struggle day in and day out. Some days I fall flat on my face, but I do get back up, I do keep trying and I think that is key. Fight the fight, finish the race!
May God Bless you and I hope you'll be victorious over this struggle!
Thank you for visiting my blog.
I will pray for your healing as your struggle through this. Just remember it is not a sprint, but a marathon and all that matters is that you finish, not the time.
Hugs!
I think these things go in stages. We surrender and then take it all back again and surrender and then take some of it back again. Letting go is scary. But every day is a new day! Prayers and blessings!
Letting go is certainly scary. I am a firm believer in this. So many times I hesitate to let go of something thiat I know I should give over to the Lord but hold on to. It does take time. Be patient.
My prayers are with you! I hope tomorrow goes by fast for you.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Happy Loving-Nurturer's Day!
I love mothers, but I hate Mother's Day. I have never been able to have children, and as of the summer of 2007, I no longer have a mother. (She, too, was a difficult extra-grace-required person, but I find myself missing her a lot.) So it's a loaded holiday for me. I hate going to church and being the only woman without a rose. So I've stopped going on that day.
A friend encouraged me today that I am a mother, not only to my adorable dogs, but to her and to many others because I have been nurturing and loving. I was really encouraged!!! So, if you're NOT a mother ... Happy Loving-Nurturer's Day!!!
Cyndi
Thank you for visiting my site and posting a comment. I love your site and I am so excited to "meet" you. I would love to add a button for your site on mine if that would be OK with you.
Now, about Mother's Day, You need to be real, and you have a choice. There is no requirement that you must endure your duty on Sunday, Mother's Day. Mother's Day is a time to celebrate moms and to let them know how much you love/ appreciate them. I don't appreciate my mom. She didn't help me when I was being abused and she did not leave to seek protection for me. She put a very mentally ill (possibly demonically possessed) man over her children. So I have no duty to do this Sunday. No phone call to make. No card to send. That is how I have learned to be real to myself and my personal situation, especially since my mother now denies any abuse happen...and still protects the "family image" and her "marriage". My dad should be in prison or a mental institution, and unfortunately she should also for her participation in keeping the "secret" of horrific abuse even until today.
Don't think I am tell you what you need to do with your mom because only God can tell you.
I have just come to a point to accept that I had a birth mother, but not a real mother. I hurts at times, but I am learning to be a loving mom for my children...and I do have control over that...I can make right choices in that relationship. Knowing this brings me great joy!
Your words ring loud and clear. What you are saying here make perfect sense and I can only wish the best for you in finding your happiness.
Just came over quickly to say I am praying for you to get through Mothers Day.
It used to be a day of difficulty for me too and I didn't speak to her for five years at one stage.
We now get on well but that's only because God spent years strengthening me.
I will pray that He will do the same for you.
Love and God Bless
Amber
Beautiful blog with deep meaning. As you face your trials head on may you remain protected by the love of God.
Dear, my thoughts will accompany you through this day. Big warm hug.
This to shall pass.
Love, Paula
Wow, I am really blown away by all of your compassionate responses! I even see some newbies here, welcome and thank you!
Blessings!!
Dear JBR
I really appreciate your honesty here. I have diary entries like that, where I fought against God because it 'seemed' He was not helping me, when all He needed to do was speak a word, or reach out His hand. Sometimes I got so frustrated, other times I burned with anger.
Much later I realised just how much He was helping me to get through that black mess.
Full points to you for being determined to surrender all to Him. Never give up, and rest in the knowledge that God will never give up on you either.
Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
I was going to recommend you to visit Lindylou's blog too, but I see you've already met, which is great.
Peter, thank you for your visit and encouraging comments and sharing with me your own personal struggles! Yep, met Lindylou already! Thanks once again for visiting!
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