"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, May 10, 2009


These past few days I have been in prayer and reflecting. Been more in solitude (if that is possible) than I ever have spending time with the Lord. Some moments are better than others, and some are so gut wrenching I just want to die! For me, it is not easy waiting on the Lord, especially when I have not been giving my whole heart to Him. Still, in these few days, I have not only grown to the understanding how much He does love me (even though it is still extremely hard for me to connect to this), but how much I need to love myself (even harder).

There was a time where I was so free in my Christian walk (even though I had stuffed the pain I endured all my life), the Lord still honored my sincere heart and I was "one with Him." Riding a ‘natural high’ that could not be explained!!! Such a communion with God, Slain in the Spirit, head-over-heals on fire for Him! Over the years as time went on my flame burned out.

A stirring has arisen back in me these past few months. A painful stirring that is. My Lord wants me to take notice and deal with once and for all!!!!

My Past!!!

NO more playing around!! Serious business. I feel He has greater and bigger plans for me down the line.

I look forward to regaining the zeal that I lost for Him, but with a new twist of having dealt with the pain of my past! Not saying it will not be easy obtaining my freedom...as I know I have to go through some really hard and painful stuff still. But, it is attainable and I am willing and I Am Not Alone......as I walk towards freedom!!!!!


  1. Oh, if I had but "The Eternal Flame".

    But I burn hot and then burn out.

    I know that's unique -grin!

  2. He had set you free of slave. Press on that you may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of you.

  3. AnonymousMay 10, 2009

    You are one fine individual to admit all of your struggles here. Takes a lot to this. May God continue to keep you in his sights as you go about healing and doing his work for his glory.

  4. stuck-in-the-middleMay 10, 2009

    I'm here to encourage you JBR hang in there!

  5. Oh no, you are not alone!

  6. He who the son sets free is free indeed!!
    My sistah I can truly relate to this post. The choice on being real is the beginning of a healing that the Lord wants to do in our lives. Besides he knows all, sees all, and hears all, and his mercy endures forever. He just wants us to come before him and trust him enough to turn it all over to him.. (which by the way I know is not always easy to do, because it has been a part of our lives, like a blanket of comfort) but to heal we must give up that blanket, He takes each of our pain as we give it to him one day at a time. Thank you for sharing your heart, I love your header and your blog, and so blessed to have been lead here by the Holy Spirit t meet you.

    Hugz Lorie

  7. AnonymousMay 10, 2009

    I wish you the best on your journey. You'll make it girl-- just keep going.

  8. Thats it - chin up and onward you go.

  9. I love your post! I am so excited to hear what God by His Spirit is doing. I can't wait to see you "slain in the spirit", "On Fire" for Him again. I pray that God fans the flame gain. :)

  10. I am just now walking with refreshed zeal in Him after allowing a painful recent-past to snuff out the flame. I believe one day we will decide it all was worth it!

  11. Finished up Mother's Day with my mum. Had a few incidents, as expected. First time that I actually "heard" her use the words, "shame on you." I know she has said this to me many a time in the past, but since I am so tuned into it now, I actually "heard it" and it bothered the *&^% out of me! Anyway, just shows you I continue to work on many things in my healing......

    Cyndi-Sweet to know you regained your zeal with the Lord. Thank you for sharing. I know "we" will see it will be worth while, regardless of the pain.

    Finally Free-Ditto! I see brief glimmers right now, but hey, at least it is a start. Thank you for your support dear one!

    Karen-I appreciate you encouragement dear, thank you!

    Tricia-I appreciate you also dear to see me through my journey!

    joyfulsister-Glad you can relate to this post. I am so glad that His mercy indeed endures forever! Thank you for the encouragement and relying on the Holy Spirit to guide you here.

    Broken-You have been with me since the beginning, even when you are at your lowest. Thank you.

    Stuck-My faithful encourager, thank you.

    Anonymous-Thank you and I am sure God has no problem keeping me in His sights. It is I that needs to keep Him in mine!

    James-My Bible man, thank you.

    AD-Another faithful supporter since the beginning, thank you!

    Stevie-Always around when I need ya, thank you!

  12. Quick thought on your mom's words ... I always thought it was interesting that Jesus absorbed our evil on the cross, yet he "scorned the shame" Hebrews 12:2. Don't quite understand this but I think God has a very low tolerance for shame. Mom must be projecting her own out onto you and others.

  13. Oh wow!
    "There was a time ... burned out." Your second paragraph describes my walk, like "how did you know?" Many of us have been there and the blessing is in realizing when we need to slow down and when we need to be active. In our walk with God, just as with our "regular" lives, there are moments of "rest" - sometimes days or years where God leaves us to run our rhythm while he prepares the next step. It is alright and we don't have to be busy. We have only to stay connected to Him and use the time wisely. Other times we are full of energy and bustling all over the place.

    Remember there is a time and season for everything. Maybe yes, now is the time God wants to deal with your past. No matter, you'll emerge stronger and possibly have greater spiritual wisdom and insight to share with your beloved readers (and others).

    Thanks for sharing. Thanks for finding my blog and leading me to you. Thanks because God might just have a thing or two (or three) for me to learn from you. Be blessed always ...

    - LJ

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  15. "Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal" - St. Thomas More...
    My favorite Saint and theologian personally... and he has a lot of wisdom to share. Just keep moving forward, keep your morale up, and continue your work of sanctification, and God will always be faithful!

  16. "Over the years as time went on my flame burned out."

    Yeah, I can relate to this comment. Before my bout with severe depression, I could feel God's presence 24/7, often overcome by His presence, totally 'on-fire' for Him, and could not enter the ministry fast enough. It was my dream to become a full time minister and missionary.

    And then epilepsy, insomnia, panic attacks, a major shock, and boom, eight months of depressive hell on earth, followed by four years of more noticable recovery.

    But just like Lilly said, there's a time and season for everything. Those five years were my time to learn to rely upon Him, to unlearn faulty thought processes, and to serve Him at a slower pace while healing.

    But praise Jesus for His promise not to snuff out a smouldering wick nor break a bruised reed. Jesus gently restored me, not to what I was before depression, but to a new me that is hopefully (*grin*) wiser/more experienced than the old me.

    My life is a slower pace, but a sustainable one. I can enter His presence again, feel His anointing again, and He continues to use me, and in some new directions than before.

    God bless you heaps for noticing His touch on your life and responding. He gave me such a touch in 1994 - it hurt, but through it I also healed, and was set free.

    Don't worry about the "shame on you" - listen to what Jesus is saying to you instead. For the great joy set before Him, He willing endured the Cross. And what was that joy - eternity with you, and all others who will come to Him.

    God bless you :)

  17. peace to you, sweetie....we kep you in our thoughts...

  18. A famtastic blog. Almost a life story of similiar pain to share, broken home etc. Was searching around and stumbled upon your blog. Have some catching up in my reading. Might as well do it here.

  19. Thanks for the follow! I look forward to knowing you better.

    I love it when the Lord draws us back to Him. Life seems to be such a ride of valley and mountain top experiences. We grow in the fertile soil of the valley and move on up.

    God bless you as you run after your Lover, your Bridegroom.

    In Him,

  20. you're right. it's attainable and you're not alone...

  21. Shadow-Thank you for your continued reassurance!

    Beth-So nice to meet you as well, thank you for the visit and sharing the Lord's love.

    DeeDee-Very sorry that you have experienced similar areas! Thank you for stopping by!

    Rainbow-I know you all are thinking about me, thank you!!

    Peter-Thank you so much for sharing a bit about your struggles and your victories and the inspiration!

    Mr. Woolf-Appreciate your visit and words of wisdom, thank you!

    Lily-Thanks for the reminder it is only a season! I appreciate your visit and uplifting words!

    Cyndi-Interesting perspective on the low tollerance for shame with God. :)

  22. Dear, I am glad I could inspire you a bit. This morning I invited myself to breakfast - in front of a mirror! Wasn#t a easy thing to do. Wanted to run away from myself. I DID NOT.
    Find it such a progress that you now hear what you mom says. That is progress, you consciously her it and can act the way YOU want. Big hug, Paula

  23. Paula, sorry for your present struggles, but you are doing good and glad that you did not run away. Proud of you!! Thank you for sharing!! Blessings!!

  24. ...and you are human and God understands. ((((((((((((JBR))))))))))))

  25. I can not wait until you are finally free! I hate to know what pain you are in. You just face that fire and do not worry you will not get burned because God has your back.