"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

WEEKEND'S REFLECTION


Secluded most of the weekend, the Lord and me!

It was hard for the most part in keeping my mind on the Lord with sharing and reading His Word. My anxious thoughts would just wander off to sometimes ”la-la land” or some other area of life. Still, I was able to connect with some things.

At times I would question myself through my frustrating painful tears of remorse of such wasted years. Why I chose the word “remorse” over “guilt” I do not know. I do not know if it is even the right word or feeling I am going with???? Just do not know. Maybe "grieving" is a better word???? Whatever it is that I am experiencing, it is painful to say the least.....anyway…then I would try and talk to myself saying that a lot of what I had become I had no control over; over the sexual abuse, over my parents divorce, over their alcoholism; over the neglect; over any other abuse I cannot remember.

Getting ticked now (**this is good**) at my parent’s divorce, which had a tremendous affect on me way before it became final a few years later. Screwed up most of my childhood witnessing arguments and then being whisked away by my mum remarrying and having to move to another state like nothing ever happened. Forget the effect it had on me suddenly at ten being removed from family, friends, school, home, play, etc. and having no say so in the matter! Ties in with my wasted years as I changed so drastically just to survive “the effects of the divorce,” which at the time was much more prevalent than the other crap I earlier endured.

38 comments:

  1. Divorce can have such an impact on children. You have so many things to deal with from your past. Just take it slow and easy and deal with things as they surface. (((JBR)))

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  2. You will be in my prayers.God Bless

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  3. JBR, having being ubsued as child myself and encvountered other things too - I tried to run away as often as I could. Registering myself at a nunnery for shooling myself!! Moving and working in other countries etc etc - all this moving around didnt help that I had to face my problems. Had therapy 20 years ago an dwhilst I regocnize now that I didnt work all over the yeras, I have learned lots in therapy and could bury lots of my past. All the pain, shame fail I encountered has given me the strength and determintation to go thru therapy and stop running away. I learned that in all what happens in my childhood, it happens aas well that determination, strength and preserverance was given to mee too. I feel that you have all these traits too or you would not be able to go thru all of this now, grit teeth and carry on with your development and connection with your higher power. OK, what I try to say in my humble English: we suffered like hell in those years but we survived. We have done something right!!! We suffered but received the tools for healing too. This I noticed too - thanks for reminding me. Love, Paula

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  4. My parents didn't get a divorce, altough there were many times the threat of one was real. I, however have been divorced, and wonder all the time how it will affect my children later in life.

    I do believe that for every building block i our foundation of life, no matter how much pain it took to be placed, that all of them together create the wonder of who we are today...if that makes sense...

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  5. Eva-Somehow it did make sense what you stated Eva. Thank you for sharing....

    Paula, Guten Tag. Sorry für den Missbrauch. Vielen Dank, dass Sie für den Austausch von.
    Your English is fine. Tools are great to work with once applied. Sometimes hard to figure out, but in time....blessings dear one!

    Kay-Appreciate so much your prayers, thank you!!

    AD-Thank you for your support and encouragement as always. Yep, will work on 'taking it slow.'

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  6. Thanks for stopping by. Divorce does affect kids so much more than the two people involved.
    Praying the Lord will bring healing and forgiveness to you and then you will find real peace.
    Smiles.

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  7. I'm praying for you. So glad the great I Am is comforting you!

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  8. T.Anne and Ruthie-Recognize your thoughfulness, thank you.

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  9. Hi Just Be Real,
    Admire your courage and strength. Blessings to you each and everyday!

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  10. Sweet one. I am so very sorry for the pain in your heart. My children are also affected by divorce. I am not sure there is a way of living through it without being adversely affected in some way. My life has been a roller coaster of sorts and frankly I do NOT like roller coasters. Know that there are prayers bombarding the heavens on your behalf right now. GOD has big plans for you and no doubt HE will use the pain from your past to empower, strengthen, and grow you wiser. I know this b/c HE has been faithful to use my past to grow me into the person HE created me to be. Of course, I am still very much a work in progress.
    Blessings, prayers, and hugs, andrea

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  11. Hey, let's Just Be Real here, OK. Well, I'll be real. Whenever I secluded myself with God (and me) there WAS God, but not so much as I could notice, or relate with.

    I found I had to go where God IS, and that is out here (or there!) with the people, for that is where God lives...IN each one of us, in EVERY human the world over. And so, for God to 'talk' to me, I had to hear His voice through another.

    As I was helped by another, and began myself also helping still others, God 'spoke' to me more frequently and with more specificity--but always through another person. And don't forget...if I'm not 'listening', I'm not agonna hear God.

    But "alone with God"? I may as well be alone with ME, for that is--in a way--how it IS. I gotta get out with the PEOPLE!

    Sorry to be so blunt about this, but the name of your blog IS: Just Be Real..is that also NMW? (No Matter What?)

    Believe me, I do love you, and it hurts to see you in such pain, or whatever type of stress we wish to call it.

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  12. Stevie-Be blunt as you care to be…..that is the real you and I appreciate that! Thank you for sharing what you would do or have done to better yourself, that is super, and I am truly happy that you found comfort through other people in your recovery, which I do also. But, at the same time, to get alone with my God to give Him the time that He deserves is also a ‘now priority’ for me and a deep longing that is so vital in my recovery process.

    Andrea-Certainly welcome your prayers and thank you for sharing a bit about yourself. Your words of encouragement of how God has and is using your pain from the past to make you as He designed you to be is very encouraging! Thank you.

    Holly/Admin-Thank you for the visit and uplifting words! Blessings back to ya!

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  13. (((Hugs))). I'm sorry you are going through the painful part of the healing process. This is unfortunately a necessary step in order to move forward and grow as an individual. I know what you are going through. I have been there and it feels like the end of the world. I cried so hard I could barely breathe. I was sexually abused by several family members from a baby thru age 19 when I moved out. I repressed it all until a few years later when it all hit me like a brick. It was the worst. I've now been in counseling for 9 years, and it has been amazing for me. Acupuncture has also done wonders in balancing me out.

    BIG (((HUGS)))
    yayaorangenanny@yahoo.com

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  14. Yaya-Thank you so much for your visit and hugs. Very much welcomed!

    I am so very sorry you were violated as a child!!! It pains me to read this about your abuse! In the same breath, I am truly happy that counselling has helped you and even acupuncture to regain back some of your freedom! I appreciate you coming and being so transparent here.
    (((Yaya)))

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  15. "Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance." Psalm 32:7 This is a scripture that often comforts me when I think about my past childhood experiences (Painful ones) He is my hiding place.

    Our past does not determine our future. Thank you Jesus!

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  16. Debra-Amen to the Psalm and comforting words....thank you for sharing!!

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  17. stuck-in-the-middleMay 17, 2009

    Youre doing fine JBR! Proud of you! Hang on!

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  18. I'm a child product of divorce parents. I was a baby when my parents divorced, so I really don't remember much about what was going on at the time. My mother got custody of me and my father hardly I saw. Even to this day some 20+ yrs. later.

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  19. remores, (guilt), anger, all steps in the grieving process you have to go through...

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  20. Your so real sharing of your struggles in this journey toward wholeness seems very familiar to me. On my 23rd sobriety anniversary I posted a Rilke poem that I think you might like at this time. Click here.
    These last few posts of yours are powerful and beautiful, and your blog journal has found its place as an important place in the blogosphere.

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  21. HI, it is so sweet you trying to reply in German. Thanks for your efforts. Just have seen your latest comment on my blog - yes, I feel very much entsranged from ymself, lacking lust for life, magic and my usual mischief! However girl, it is just about 4:40 in Miami, how come you are up and about ever so early? Have a peaceful day. Hug around the globe.

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  22. Paula-I do hope I came close to what I wanted to say in German and not say something that did not make sense? Better stick with my native language, huh? ;)

    Always been an early riser, although some days (especially work days) I do wish I could sleep in late. Never happen though, unless I am deathly ill and I have no choice. Thanks for coming around again!!

    Lydia-Blessings to you and thank you for the link to the poem and your encouraging comment!

    Shadow-Thank you dear one, and thank you for encouraging me on!

    Strawberry-Appreciate your visit, and am sorry for the breakup of your family and the painful effects it had on you. Blessings!

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  23. what a beautiful testament here... I wandered in from another blog... I admire you. Your courage. Your faith.

    There is a Jewish proverb about in time of trial you should grab a hold of God's beard and not let go... I see this here and it's gorgeous. Like Jacob, you are wrestling with the angel and that is really, really, cool.

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  24. I am married to an adult child of an alcoholic and divorced parents, and it is not easy living with the past. He forgives and forgives (in his mind and heart) and then triggers happen again that set him off. But he is aware of this and works through it. It will be a lifelong process of not hiding the truth, bringing it out into the light and naming it for what it is. No one has ever apologized for what his childhood was like. I read a quote that said forgiveness is not pretending the abuse didn't happen, it's letting go of the other man's throat (as in a strangle hold). I have compassion for you as you work through your stuff.

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  25. 2ndcupofcoffee-Love your name b/t/w! Thank you for your visit and kind words and sharing what your struggles are with your husband. Good that your husband recognizes his issues, especially when triggered, and can work through them! At least he is not in denial! Sorry, that he was not able to hear words of apology from his parents. Appreciate your honesty here, thank you and blessings.

    cindihan-Wow, appreciate that proverb. That is so special to share with me at this point. Thank you Cindi!!

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  26. This is progress and am so glad you are getting angry. Hugs

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  27. Reading through this post, everything is falling into place nicely. The pain is just part of the process that you know you have to go through. Keep keeping on.

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  28. thanks for visiting my blog. I can very much relate with wrestling with a label for what I am going through. I think grieving is a good word, but of course some days tortured is a better word. I get the pain you talk about throughout your blog because it's come back to bite me, HARD, after I thought it was dealt with. I've been considering some t. because obviously dealing with it on my own isn't working.
    I talk about it more in my private blog here if you are interested:
    http://metamorphosismanifesto.blogspot.com/

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  29. Each piece of what happens to us becomes part of who we are. Looking back, there are times I grieve that I didn't know sooner I could be happy, that I could learn to believe in myself, that I could have been doing things I didn't know I could do. I can't go back, but I can go forward vowing every day to find reasons to smile, to feel joy, to remind myself what's good about who I am. And as I do these things, they become more and more my reality.

    Not that any of what you've gone through is easy. Divorce is a death--of hopes and dreams. It hurst and it's hard. There were days when I didn't know how I'd get through mine. So...big, big (((((((hugs)))))))).

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  30. April-Thank you for your visit. You are so right in what you said! No, it is not easy and thank you for your hugs.

    ~L~-Glad for your visit, thank you. Today has been extremely hard for me, it hurts really bad at times, but that is okay, I expect it. You have nothing to lose by going to t dear. Appreciate your link and will take a look.

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  31. Forgot, Janet and Karen, thank you for your encouragement.....

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  32. Hi again

    Yeah the fighting (physically) and then later divorce of my parents stuffed me up too. And, at one stage I had to move interstate and leave all that I knew. That was hard.

    I am still praying for you.

    By the way I got the flat - check my blog for details.

    God Bless

    Amber

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  33. Thanks for your prayers and hugs today!

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  34. Colleen, :)

    Amber, I bet the divorce of your parents certainly was hard on you. I am very sorry. Thank you for your prayers.

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  35. Not sure how you found me but I'm glad that you did. As I'm reading a few of your posts I would've sworn you knew me personally. Many similaries in our lives. Divorce, alcoholism, abuse in a lot of ways. Thank you for joining me in my journey of life as it is now. Peace is my prayer for you.....Kae

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  36. Kae, led by the Holy Spirit. Sorry you have experienced similiar issues. Blessings and thank you for sharing.

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  37. My parents are divorced too, I remember the pain only to well I was 6. You have gone through so much and it is human nature to blame themselves for things that went wrong when they where young even though in all reality they had no control over the situation. You had lots of bad things happen to you it does not mean you are bad. God loves you, let him be your strength when you feel weak. You are in my prayers :)

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  38. Tabby, so sorry you experienced the painful outcome of our parents divorce. Thank you for your prayers dear one!

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