"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

WHEN THE DEFENSES COME DOWN


Tonight was one of the first nights in group that I opened up more about myself. So, why do I feel SO VERY unsettled in my spirit? Well, on my ride home tonight, I searched deep within to see what is making me feel now so uncomfortable and unsettled (as stuff like this will tear me to pieces if I do not find some resolution)? Searching within, I felt I let my guard/defensives down among twelve other individuals tonight. Because, after all I need to be in control. I was scared silly! All eyes and ears were glued to what I had to say (which in essence freaked me out, as I am not used to having people actually care what I have to say). I had to step out and trust (again something I am just now getting used to) and believe that I was in a safe place to share. So, on my ride home (fastest route) here is a perfect example (which I now can recognize so that is a plus) of my ‘stinking thinking.’ I am dialoging back and forth with myself saying “how dare I open up,” “I should be ashamed of myself,” “you are a failure,” “you are not worthy to even share an opinion,” “do not ever do this again.” What is up with this?

Just part of my journey and forward progress, I suppose. As really bummed out as I am right now and unbelievably mad at myself (which I know is improper until I reason this out further), I know (1) this is an attack from Satan; and (2) my reaction is all I knew how to survive. As I stated earlier, at least there is a plus of improvement and that is I do recognize the ‘stinking thinking.’ So, now I need to work on counter-acting it.

24 comments:

  1. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did tonight. Sometimes when I open up I still hear those voices. Thanks for sharing your struggle with us. It makes us all feel a little less alone. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well done my friend. You've may felt uncomfortable, but what a bold step. Keep it up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you've done a great thing - to have courage to open up, which was not easy. And you're right, those negative thoughts are from the enemies so away, shoo Satan and your bad army! For Jesus gave us freedom. May God continue to give you the strength you need! God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  4. A lot of my fear (of saying things, of baring my soul) comes from wondering "What will they think of me?" Well, truth is, very little will they bother even to "think of me". People are for the most part thinking of THEMSELVES. My Ego (Pride) lets me think I am so important that they will change--and think of moi?

    Most of the time I'm sharing, the rest of them are thinking of what they will say if they get a chance. Ha! When someone says' I liked what you said." I can only think, "Really? Well, what did I say?" And you know they could NEVER tell me what I said.....

    It's between God and me, babe, that's it. he's the ONLY one Who will meet me as I cross over.
    Gosh, after all that, I feel bad writing:

    PEACE!

    ReplyDelete
  5. JBR, you can be so proud of you letting the guard down and opening up. Next time it will be a tiny bit easier. Big hug across the pond.

    ReplyDelete
  6. and don't forget that the more you do it, the easier it become... have a good weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think it's a huge step forward to be so open about yourself. Through time this may become easier. Good for you! It's also good that you're talking back to your stinkin' thinkin'.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AD-Thank you for your words, always appreciated. Yes, it is good I am recognizing my ‘stinkin’ thinkin’’ much more these days.

    Shadow-Thank you…..yes, the old saying is that certainly….

    Paula -Thank you dear for the encouragment and hug.

    Stevie-Yes, I quite agree, a lot has to do with "what will they think of me." Most of the time I can be like the majority, and not pay attention but think of what I would be saying next. But, then you do get the "rare group" that actually do listen, because of the questions that come right after you speak, you know they were on the same page with you. TOTALLY agree though that it is between God and me 'babe.' God never turns a deaf ear and knows exactly what I am saying and is 100% in tune. Thank you dear one.

    RCUBEs-Appreciate your comment and encouragement. Thank you.

    Strawberry-Gonna, have to keep it up, if I want to get well.....thanks for words of encouragement.

    FF-Appreciate your kind words of encouragement as always dear one. Thank you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am so proud of you! Opening up in a group setting is hard! I have had to do the same. That is a huge step. Just so you know your reaction is normal i think. I felt exactly the same way after i opened up in my group session. Yes Satan is also going to attack you in this area also. Keep forging ahead my blogger friend. It will get easier in sharing, and you will get stronger. Stinking thinking needs to be left behind. :D I learned that also. Hugs and blessings sent your way.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Stop by Arise 2 Write for an award. You deserve it sweet one.

    http://arise2write.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi!
    I am glad you opened up the more you do the more you will heal. Just remember years of keeping everything in to yourself and feeling so negative about yourself will not change in 1 or even more sessions it will take time. I look forward to the day that you can realize you are worthy and good with out having that little voice in your head tell you are not. Hug that bible tonight :) I hope this weekend is not too hard for you.
    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Tabs-Yes, I do need to remember it took me this long to get where I am, it will take some time to heal, I agree. Appreciate your concern and I go a huggin' that Bible indeed.

    Andrea-Thank you for your kindness....appreciated!

    Tracy-Appreciate your hugs and encouragment. Thank you so much as always!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You are doing what you need to do in order to heal. It is tough and messy and unsettling, but it will get you to a place of freedom. Hang in there...

    ReplyDelete
  14. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. Do not allow satan to tear you down. What you did was courageous and bold. I am very proud of the step you made...keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sending BIG BIG HUGS and PRAYERS, andrea

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hang in there. You will get through this. You took the first step by opening yourself up to others even though you felt scared. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. When this happens~anytime Satan attacks~say over and over "Jesus, I trust in you." Say it until peace is restored. God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. HeartfeltHeartLook-Thank you for stopping by with words of peace. Blessings.

    Gin-Appreciate your thoughts dear, thank you so very kindly.

    Andrea-Appreciate your stern approach, thank you. Working on that 'stinkin' thinkin.' Can take a lot out of you physically as well as emotionally.

    Tricia-Thank you for your kind words and encouragement dear!

    ReplyDelete
  18. stuck-in-the-middleMay 29, 2009

    Hang in there JBR! Proud of your progress!

    ReplyDelete
  19. JBR those are major steps you're accomplishing. It's not easy to speak up about ones pain among strangers. I commend you highly for your accomplishment.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm sorry your feelings are trying to trick you. I think you did the RIGHT thing. It feels uncomfortable because it is new territory, right? WTG!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Beth-Nice to see you again. Yes, uncomfortable because it is new territory! Still it is progress. Thank you for the encouragment!

    Janet-Danke! No, it was not easy speaking and making eye contact....not at all.

    stuck-"Hanging......"

    ReplyDelete
  22. That is great that you opened up. What courage! I often feel that way when I open up. I feel so insecure thinking people will think differently about me. After you open up more and more, you will find yourself feeling less insecure. And then you will start feeling better every time you talk about it. You are letting go of the pain then. God bless!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Colleen-Appreciate the vote of confidence, thank you dear! Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Haven't been here ina few days, and look at the progress youre talking about! Great strides. Good to read.

    ReplyDelete