"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I am actually beginning to question God more to why things happened as they did in my past and all the wasted years. Never have I done this before. Mainly because I was in denial and stuffed the pain so long, I did not know how to bring it up, except through rage now.

It is in the waves of despair that I am questioning God. I guess it is because at the moment of the pain, I am in such emotional duress, I want it to stop! I do welcome the deep emotional tears that are brought up at the same time, as brief as they are.

I know this present pain I am going through is part of my recovery. Am also aware I will only be here for a season at this present stage of my journey.

How long, O Lord, must I call for help but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, "Violence!" but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and conflict abounds.
Habakkuk 1:2-3,13

Where were you God? Where were you when I needed you? Didn't you see the violence? The abuse? The injustice? Didn't you care? There are times in recovery when we are full of questions about God. The pain of past trauma can be intensified when we begin to struggle with these hard questions about God.

It is important to acknowledge that these questions about God are not academic questions. No theoretical explanation of the problem of pain will soothe our raging, confused hearts. These are urgent, personal questions about God and about God's involvement in our lives. We want to know that God sees and cares and intervenes in our lives. We need God. We need God's love. We need God's help.

It is an important source of encouragement to know that we are not the first to ask these hard questions. There is clear biblical precedent for asking difficult questions about God. People of faith have always struggled with questions like these. We can take comfort and courage from knowing that the prophets also asked urgent questions similar to our own.

God, I am afraid.
I don't understand.
Violence and abuse happen and you do not stop it.
You seem absent.
You seem uncaring.
I need to know that you see and care.
I am calling to you for help, God.
Please hear me.
Please respond.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan


  1. Becoming real is a painful process, but at the end of the pain there is happiness, joyousness, and freedom. It's worth the struggle.....promise!

    Prayer Girl

  2. I asked my priest about 2 years ago why terrible things happen in our lives. He said that God doesn't cause these things to happen but is there to help us pick up the pieces.

  3. Sometimes, feeling crushed and devastated, that's when the cross speaks to us in most powerful way. May God give you the strength to overcome this pain. God bless.

  4. God is your sustainer. Hang on to him.

  5. I have asked these questions over and over. Someone finally told me that according to God's own rules, he could not save us from what happened. They said that the bad people, tho, will be judged because they showed Him who they are by hurting innocents.

    I'm not sure that I understand that, but maybe you will.


  6. This made me cry because I struggle with these feelings from time to time. I know that what I am going through with my husband is not His fault. I have learned SO much from what I have already gone through, but on the bad days I guess I just want Him to fix it for me. I know it doesn't work that way, but it would make it so much simpler. Thank you for this post.

  7. Rcubes and Dee Dee-Thank you for the power of His word!

    Ivory-A lot of things we will not understand this side of heaven. Appreciate your thoughts.

    Gin-Sorry you share the same struggles. That is good that you have gained some insight from what you have experienced.

  8. Somone told me once that when I am in great pain, that's when God is closest to me. He said unless I really have faith in God and hope in God's goodness, I might not recognize God's being so near.

    An so I would continue to query God, as if God owed me the answers.

    Every meeting I attend, each day when I wake up, every minute of every hour throughout a given day, is another opportunity for me to hit the RESET button.
    Thank God!

  9. "Where were you God? Where were you when I needed you? Didn't you see the violence? The abuse? The injustice? Didn't you care?"

    JBR... I cry this aloud nearly every night...I just want it to end. He didn't 'save' me then, so save me now then, if you care, same me now....

  10. Stevie-Well put! Thank you.

    Grace-I know how much pain you are in and how much you struggle with this! Wish I could have the answer for you. We are both on our journeys, different intensity, but share the same question. It is hard not to blame God for what we went through and dear one it will take time, as we are all different in our recovery process to accept enough to let go and believe that God is good and cares deeply about us!! ((((Grace))))

  11. Sweet one...GOD will bring victory and rejoicing after the stormy painful purging of the past. I know....I have been there. GOD is the ultimate HEALER!!

  12. JBR, sometimes I am at loss for words - particularly in English. I remember too well that my reaction of abuse was to not just stuff it away but create a whole new person. I so much wanted to be someone else! Still this "whole new person" found herself with this voice inside, a little girl crying. For years I not only believed in my second idendity but considered myself "seriously crazy" too with having this voice in my head. It took me painful years to understand why i created a second ME and who is little girl crying inside me. I never can be enough grateful for my patient counsellor leading me through all of this. The tears of the little ME are gone, I took her by my hand and she grew up and whole with me, leaving the pain, shame and guilt of my childhood abuse behind. The "left over" fromt his time is however if too many things happen at same time I feel emotional overwhelmed and immediately question myself, loosing confidence. There are days where I feel down however hanging in there and going thru therapy and finding myself - has worked, was worthwhile and, oh well, JBR, I guess I try to tell you in my words: it works, the pain will grow less, you will grow whole.
    Thanks for your comment on my last post. Yes after living in Spain for 5 years, he moved to Tampa and I arrived there December 30, 2008. It was clear that with my papers not completed yet I had to leave after 3 months again.Well, the rest is know. Tampa has become my home and I still feel misplaced here in Munich. I miss Tampa, my "home", however my focus is creating this new chapter in my life without him and quit smoking. As I lived outside Germany for many years I do not qualify for unemployment benefits - which rincreases fear of future as with the age discrimintaion it isnt so easy anymore to find a job. JBR, big hug across the pond. Keep you in my thoughts.

  13. I'm sorry for the painful unanswered questions you have. Makes life harder at times when our questions are not always fully answered. I do hope you find relief. Take care.

  14. Your pain touches something kindred deep inside of me. Being a "survivor," it helped me to realize that God was not the problem, it was people doing evil.

    Take care, and yes, this will pass. Recovery is very much like grief in its stages.

  15. PeacefulWmm9- Sorry you have shared similar experience. Thank you for the visit and your kind encouraging words Karen. Blessings

    Straweberry-Appreciate your visits and encouragement Straweberry.

    Paula-((((Paula))))-thank you Paula!

    Andrea-Yes God is the ultimate healer!! Thank you.

  16. God will never give you something you are not strong enough to handle. all you have to do is look inside of you and you'll find the strength, the answers, you need. love and hugs!

  17. stuck-in-the-middleMay 25, 2009

    Happy Memorial Day JBR. Hang in there!

  18. AnonymousMay 25, 2009

    I totally know what you're saying. My faith has fallen off the charts in the last few years. I just don't "get it" right now.

  19. Yaya-Thank you for taking the time to visit. It is okay not to "get it" right now. Just if you can, remain open. Blessings dear one.

    stuck-Thank you. Happy Memorial Day to you too.

  20. Your blog was referred to me. Took a quick look around. Seems like someting I need to be looking at. Will come back when I have more time.

  21. Like a dream feels, I don't quite know how I got here. I don't know why.

  22. Stopped in for a visit, continue to trust Jesus everything we need is in him, all the who, what, where and why's. Trusting Christ is a process, I am still waiting for answers...... thanks for the following, check out my other site http://www.samartiandiva.com

  23. Christine-Welcome. Trust is certainly the main key here to healing of any kind! Appreciate your words.

    Verily I go-Hmmmmmm.....glad you got here nevertheless.

    Jamie-Thanks for stopping by, appreciate it.

  24. Questions are always good. Helps along in the recovery process in finding the root of the problem.

  25. I think it's human to question the reason for the pain. I know when I went deaf, it just seemed like too much on top of everything else I had endured in life. I screamed and railed if there was a God he was cruel for this hand he dealt me. Some days I still feel that way, others I see perhaps the silence is far more than I ever imagined. (Hugs)Indigo

  26. Thanks so much for the playlist!!!!!!!!!!

  27. I just found your blog via Colleen , she has so many great links ;-)
    pain is real it happens in life what is hard to come to terms with is that people choose to inflict pain on each other . There are pain in all aspects of life , giving birth , a toothache , etc. it is when pain is deliberately put upon us ourselves as children we just cannot process the why. We are often taught by others shame , guilt , how to hide usually in all the wrong places via addictins , remaining in abusive relationships etc. remaining the victim long after the abuse is over . For me it really helped looking at it for what it is God does not create pain . God is not a punsihing God He is a loving God .My real true parent when I really beleive this and cacept Him as my parent . Real love . Real love would not harm you on purpose . Never . He does not create bad stuff but he does allow it to happen . Free will . Choice . If He did not give us the gift of free will we'd be pupets not children . So choice we have it and yes our abusers had it . They chose to paratke in something harmful , horrific . It is thiers not mine . I do not need own any part of it . When I see it for what it was an adult just as I am an adult now . I was the child they were the adult .They made the choice Planning , scheming , manipulating , torturing .. on purpose choosing to do so . That is what it was that is the Truth ! Truth is I was the most awesome most beautiful obedient child ! get this so were you ;-)
    I'm not being hurt now . The whole process of healing , becoming whole again is seeing people are people and we all have choice and we have the choice to believe the lie or not believe the lie . There is no certain amount of time for healing pain . It is on His time not ours when we are ready with Him then it will be given .As well it may need healing from experience first just one expereince not the whole to begin with. We also must never ever compare our pain to that of another or our healing with another we are each unique and made by Him for His purpose and will heal in our own way . We may even be very intelligent , intellectually we know we need to heal , we want to heal , we just may not know the why He is asking us to wait. This is true Trust on His terms not ours ;-)
    I for so long wanted to save everyone who hurt .. another symptom of victms . I beleived the lie it was all my fault .I was to save my brother, sister , all my fathers victims , all my abusers victims . It was all my problem . How twisted is that ? As a parent it was one of the biggest lessons to learn that we are not to take the pain away . We need to help each other acknowledge the pain . It is real it is there say it hurts . Get it out . We will deal with it together but in no way are we to help enable each other to hide our pain . That is what has kept us stuck in the first place . Not owning or acknowldeging that hurt . That is one of the biggest first steps in healing . Can't heal if you don't say it hurts ;-)
    sorry this is so long . I do so hope you all come to know how much you are loved and needed and do have purpose
    You are needed, help those who are not heard and are not believed just liked once were .

  28. AnonymousMay 25, 2009

    In my life time and I've lived a pretty long and good life, trusting God over the years has become easier. Chalk it up to being longer on this earth and getting use to how he operates may be one thing in trusting that he will provide I don't knkow. A few areas in my life I'll not completely give over to him. so maybe that's why I'm still around. Ha-

  29. Anonymous-Thank you for your visit and sharing a bit of your struggles with trusting God.

    Little sparrow, etc.-First off what a title for your name....love it. Thank you for taking the time to share and encourage. Truly appreciate your honesty and transparency. Needed to read your post a couple of times. I am on my way in my jurney knowing how much God does love me, thank you.

    Brenda-Glad you appreciate the songs.

    Indigo-Appreciate the hug and I agree it is alright to question!! In time to understand questionning is okay, but to eventually go past the blaming of God or the wrong person.

    Janet-Thanks for the visit Janet, and yes, questionning is good.

  30. That is always the age old question why did you not stop this God? Why do bad things happen to children and good people? Remember your abuser was a human (and sinful, as God gave us all our own free will). If I remember correctly from parts of the bible I think God chose to let us live our lives as we shall do on our own accord with no interference from him....stemming back to the betrayal in the garden of Eden and then again with Moses. But he loves us as we know he gave his only son to save our souls as long as we accept him into our heart. I wish you peace.

  31. Tabs-Well put Tabs, thank you for sharing!

  32. JeannineMay 26, 2009

    Ive questioned some of my past and upbringing to my higher power many times. It probably has something to do with being human that we have these questions when we don't understand why things happen.

  33. Nice blog. God Bless.

  34. Tex and Jeannine, appreciate your visits, thank you!