"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

PEOPLE PLEASING


For some reason I feel the need to revisit this topic once again. Maybe for my benefit or someone else’s. Only God knows why I need to bring the following up:

Performance base pleasing has been one of my major “dysfunctions. As long as I could please “whomever,” I was happy. Killing myself in the process in attempting to do everything right…… but “hey I was happy!” Or was I? It is a lot of work trying to please someone(s), making sure everything is in order, watching their demeanor in order to gauge “how I was doing,” and be able to change in a second to what “I” thought was appropriate to then get a positive response. Yes, a lot of exhausting mental work. And if I felt I did not please the other person(s), then in my minds-eye I failed. I am not worthy. Oh poor pitiful me. Blah blah blah. Many times I would even get sick of myself in the never ending ‘pleasing cycle.’ Becoming angry and frustrated when my efforts would fall by the wayside if not successful. It was never a win-win situation. For some of us who came from families where we were paid little attention to or none at all, found means of survival in the ‘pleasing factor’ syndrome.

Although struggling not to please is a daily challenge, I have seen some major improvements. One being to question my motives beforehand. Who am I doing this for? Am I doing ‘this’ to get praise? Am I doing ‘this’ for them to like me? In due time I hope to be able to be the “real me” among others with no strings attached and to keep the good quality of discipline in completing and planning tasks, but minus the “pleasing factor” to feel self worth.

29 comments:

  1. Just be you sweetie, nothing less, nothing more.

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  2. I'm there with you. I have gotten much better though. Now when I look back at the things I have done just to make others happy while I was miserable I can't believe it. It is so not worth it!

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  3. to thyself be true.and the rest of "them" can just stew in their own jucies.

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  4. It is difficult getting away from "people-pleasing" but it is so freeing!!! We have to make new tapes to replace those old tapes going on and on in our heads telling us we are not good enough. Sounds like you are making new tapes!!

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  5. Colleen-Trying to get rid of the garbage in garbage out theory. Replacing of the tapes is certainly a start. Blessings dear one.

    Mike-Good to hear from you again! Appreciate your comment and visit. Blessings.

    Gin-That is great! Glad things are better for you dear!

    Denise-On my way in doing this!

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  6. I love the pic and quote at the top of your post ;-) it is so true .
    I so wanted to write you because I've been falling into this again too .
    You probably had the need to revisit this topic because you are human !
    People who have healed also will continue to fall into the cycle of people pleasing . It is in our character . what is great is we learn to catch ourselves by doing our daily inventory , examineation of conscince etc.
    In a world that is so very full of humans dwelling on self and the attitude that if we do not give each other what we want means we don't love each other . Well it would take a miracle to become a person who never is led astray into people pleasing .
    Thinking we are bad if others do not accept us , thinking we are bad if we say no , thinking we are bad if we do not give everyone what they ask for . It is easy to fall into that especially when we are healing .
    There are many people we will be led to say no to . Many we will have to say we are no longer to take part in that which is harmful and it is absolutely not going to feel good when this arises .
    Don't beat yourself up if you find you fall into trying to keep others from pain or be accepted etc.
    Get this most people out in the " normal" world are doing it right now ;-) not even aware of it .
    You are blessed very blessed . You know your weak , your human and you own it . That is what make s you so very strong !
    You are Real !
    much love , Roxie

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  8. Hey there,
    I welcome you to my blog. I see you have become a follower. Your blog seems interesting too. The one I am commenting on really spoke to me. I have a co - dependent relationship with my Mom. So it's whatever is pleasing to her is what makes me happy and I have to stop that. I am in the process of moving out, please pray for me on this. Also I am trying to loase weight and the only way that will work is if I do it for ME and NOONE else.

    Well, I just thought I stop by your blog and return the favor of reading my blog. I hope to hear more from you.
    Peace my Christian brother in Christ,
    Amanda

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  9. Lady Amanda, thank you for taking the time to comment on a subject that you can relate to. Looks promising that you recognize the unhealthy relationship with your mom. I certainly can relate also, so you are not alone in this area. So true in what you say that you need to do "things," i.e. weight loss for yourself with God's help! Blessings dear one.

    Roxie-good to see you again. Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts with your struggle of people pleasing. Appreciate your sweet comment also, thank you.

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  10. Aaahhhh! I do this all the time - BUT I love to please people. Really. I can't see how not caring about what they want, gets me what I want. What I want is to have them happy. It's a vicious circle I can't seem to jump out of. I never had the chance to know who I am.

    This post offers food for thought...
    Iory

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  11. Yeah I can relate with my family. Always wanting to please and be in control. Make sure my T’s are crossed.

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  12. You always give me something to think about-- even though sometimes it isn't something I want to think about. :)

    I'm glad you are making headway in this area and I applaud you.

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  13. people pleasing can be rewarding, until it's to your detriment. it's a fine line sometimes, but you have the right questions in line, to determine whether you should or shouldn't. practice, practice, practice, and the right behaviour eventually becomes the norm.

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  14. .
    Shadow-Thank you for the support dear one. Blessings.

    Tricia-How interesting that there is always something for someone to gain insight to. I do hope this helps you dear one. Thank you for your support.

    Strawberry-Ahhhh, I see a bit of perfectionism in the words too dear. :)

    Ivory-What your wrote about 'caring' shares your compassionate side and desire to help. My wires get criss-crossed in this area. I mix the "I must please factor" in as well so I feel good about myself with regards that the other person will "like me and that I am okay." That is the 'sick' part of the dysfunction. Thanks for sharing dear!

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  15. Wonderful post. Sounds like you are on your way to healing. I am so happy for you.

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  16. Tracy, you are kind. Thank you as always for stopping by and writing encouraging messages! Blessings!

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  17. stuck-in-the-middleJune 10, 2009

    I can't say enough JBR but you continue to be strong even if you feel weak. Your an inspiration.

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  18. I think it's important to look at our motives when doing for others. You have the right idea JBR. It's great that you're making headway in the area. People pleasing can be so draining and leave us feeling rotten.

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  19. Yepp, can relate ever so much, I have gotten better though. However today it arrived just in time. THanks for reminding me. Big hug, have you in my thoughts. xx

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  20. Paula, AD and stuck-thank you all very much for your continued support!!!!! ((((to all))))

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  21. I think you felt the need to revisit this subject just for me!! I mean it. I am such a "people pleaser". Often I am very happy at having made this one or that one happy as well ... other times, I could get in position and give myself a good swift kick!!! Thank you for the post.
    Oh, thanks for following my blog. I am very behind right now, as planning to move to a larger house! Yay!!!

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  22. The above post should read "Polly said". Angels in my Garden is my blog. Thanks, Dear.

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  23. Grandma, so nice of you to visit. Glad you benefited from the post. Blessings to you and your future move!

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  24. Hi Polly, wow, thanks for the visit. I gather you could relate to this post. Blessings dear one!

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  25. I'm glad you have been working on freeing yourself from people pleasing! For me, I never questioned it as a kid or teen because I felt that pleasing was how to be a good daughter/student/friend. When I really became conscious of it, it amazed me how difficult it is for me to say no. I've been just so sure that I'd be dropped by others if I didn't make them happy. Thank you for reminding me to really look at my motive, I have not reflected on that much so far.

    Also, for me, going over and over on a topic helps me see how unhealthy certain habits and behavior are. So bring up whatever you wish and however many times, it's healing!

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  26. Thank you for your visit The Issue Knitter. Sorry that you could relate to this topic, but glad that you recognize there is a problem. Do hope in time you will be healed from the people pleasing aspect of it. Blessings dear one.

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  27. I'm a people pleaser too. I've been working on this a lot in the last 2 years or so. The main thing for me is that I want everyone to like me - I'm learning I have to let that mentality go for it's unrealistic.

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  28. Dionna, thank you for the visit. Happy to see that you realize the people pleasing is not healthy. Good to read you are working on improving this. I know it is NOT easy. Blessings.

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  29. Believe me the day you can tell someone how YOU really feel and not have to worry if it displeases or not them will be a great day. I used to try to please people now I am who I am and if they do not like it to bad, I am so much happier with myself.

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