"If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time, instead of "other control," which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But, as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change."
Boundaries, p. 243
How so very promising for us who struggle in this area, and how so very scary at the same time. To have others, if we keep steadfast in our ways and keep our boundaries up and strong, to find other means (may be even total cut-off/rejection) to relate to us. I wonder through this process, how many on the other side actually see healthy results not only in the lives of the one(s) they have been controlling, but in their own lives? I guess time will tell.
Some make it and some do not, I suppose.
It's an awesome feeling to finally feel in control of yourself.
ReplyDelete44 years into life and I find it very hard to make it in this area.
ReplyDeleteLily, so very glad to see you here! I hear your struggle dear one. So very sorry.
ReplyDeleteYaya, it certainly will be!! Thanks for the visit dear!
I copied this, I must read this book.
ReplyDeleteI could spend all day just contemplating this one thought.
I have been married for 22 years to a wonderful man and I am just now seeing the fruits of change when I don't let his anger control me or mine his. Now maybe I just couldn't see before, or it just took me that long. That long to set the boundary secure enough! ;)
I love your new green background.
Have a lovely day and thank you so much for sharing your insight.
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Vicky, glad you were able to benefit from this one paragraph. By the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I ask what paragraph can I share from the book that would benefit someone(s).♥
ReplyDeleteJBR, for quite some time I thought I had made progress there. Sincere progress. Boundaries are on myplate for yeras and now the topic resurfaced. When I learned about boundaries first, I learned that I have quite some abusive friendships, which I finished nicely. reduced the amount of friends (false one) greatly. I realised I had to make amneds to other friends. I did. Most of the time it wasnt well received and I have to deal with that. For quites oem time I was very much alone, actually enjoying this time for focusing and finding out what I want and how to proceed. It felt good. Next time I lived and set my boundaries - very nicely, I found myself stranded in Germany. Without any interest to learn to relate differently to me.I feel like I am at square one again.
ReplyDeletePaula, I believe it is all a process. I too feel some what you have described. You may feel at square one again, but what you shared before saying that, you learned a lot. This may be a set back in your eyes, but it is progress, as you are heading in another direction to learn something new to better yourself. This is a 'waiting' period, as painful as it is. I know your biggest struggle is the job situation, but be open to what you are learning through this trial also. ♥
ReplyDeletethis is just awesome. i wonder too. i know of people who could learn this 'self control' vs 'other control'. i've tried to tell them as much. but as with all things, unless you want to see, are willing to see, you never will see...
ReplyDeleteSelf control. I thought it was going to be something different, but this is just as good. Hang in there JBR!
ReplyDeleteThis post really hit home for me. Thanks for sharing it JBR.
ReplyDeletestuck-'surprise.' Thank you.
ReplyDeleteShadow-exactly! One has to be willing. Just saying, but not acting on it are two different things. Thanks Shadow!
AD, no problem. Glad the post helps.
ReplyDeletethank you so much for this beautifully written reminder. It keeps it so simple.
ReplyDelete~AM
So nice to see you again AirmanMom! Thank you for your comment. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteIf those people who you set boundaries with do not live with you sometimes they choose to remove themselves from the relationship when you know longer allow them to control you. This can sometimes be tough, but I am learning to trust GOD and that it is truly best if they can not or will not change.....I need to be separate from them.
ReplyDeleteCan you tell this is fresh..? I told you I still live out the principles I learned many years ago in this book.
Blessings and prayers, andrea
For many years I have heard the saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
ReplyDeleteAlways I thought, "How trite", or an even stronger, "So much B.S."....weel guess what, I'm finding it more and more to be SO true, even 'unto' the past few daze in my life.
I'm sure glad to know ya, "Real"ly
It's amazing to me how another's anger or distaste can have such a grip on myself and others. That would be curious to know how much impact one has on changing those that control them. It's also rather interesting when you realize the ones that control are just as codependent as you are. Thank you again for another reminder that I must find that book! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteIt is so true. I see the look on my husband's face when I keep my composure and my self-control and I do not get sucked into this disease of his along with him. He tries to instigate and I no longer play into that. He doesn't know how to react. He eventually just walk's away. Although I am not always able to keep it in check, the times that I do are definately worth it. I always feel so much better about myself.
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ReplyDeleteGood for you Gin to stand your ground with your husband! Glad you feel the satisfaction of accomplishing your boundaries! Thank you for sharing!
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You are so right Issue Knitter, that the others are as co-dependent as "we are." Only difference is that we realize this and we want to break free from the dependency! Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you Stevie for sharing. Blessings.
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Yes, Andrea, rejection, sepration can be totally the most painful in this situation. Glad you have our God to call upon and continue to follow the principals of this book.
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I love these♥♥♥♥♥ can you tell?
This statement is very true. I've seen a lot of panic in areas where individuals are trying to break loose from their codependency issues if there not properly grounded first what to expect. Good post to bring up.
ReplyDeleteLife never stops giving us conflict. I think it's set up that way. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteI thank you always for the beautiful comments you leave on my blog. They truly make me feel very light and warm up my heart.
Boundaries - always a work in progress - I think for all of us - and worth every effort we put into it.
Prayer Girl
The most difficult boundaries I had to set up was the ones with my ex husband right after he left. For 15 years, I told him everything and suddenly, I couldn't. Not only that, but he did his best to control me by playing on my fears. I had a dear friend teach me the three C's..."Calm, Cool and Collected. He who cares the least is in control." It didn't take long to see that being in control of my emotions would send my ex off the deep end. At one time, during a rare moment of honesty, he told me he was surprised at my strength.
ReplyDeleteGod was so kind to bring me my new husband of almost 9 years. A godly man of integrity, strength, one who is kind and generous. I am very grateful....He loves the real me, warts and all. :o)
very wise words indeed. I'll try to take them to heart. Thanks, Rick
ReplyDeleteI think you are a very strong woman, bless you.
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ReplyDeleteDenise, I appreciate your comment, thank you.
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Thank you Rick, yes wise words they are.
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Manipulation is a terrible thing Amy, sorry that your ex was that way with you. Glad you are now loved as the real you.
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Thank you PG for your kind words, as always encouragement.
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T.Anne, conflict in order to build us up, as painful as it may be. Thanks dear.
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Janet, appreciate your input and insight. Thank you.
You seem to be making so much progress. I'm happy for you. I come from a long line of manipulators. There is so much in the world that is ugly. It is nice to witness someone gaining freedom.
ReplyDelete(I like your new look by the way.)
Thank you Colleen and Tricia for your support! Blessings dear ones.
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