This is sort of like a Part 2 with Wrestling Along With God. A bit more specific I suppose with me.
This morning as I had my usual walk/meditation and found warm tears just streaming down my face as God reminded me once again and hard to swallow, that I could not have changed anything from my past and that what I went through as a child was not my fault!
Then today I had a few encounters at work where I was triggered with my thinking, along with anger and frustration. I had to rush off to one of my secrete hideouts to be alone with God and cry once again from the depths of my soul the pain I was experiencing and then giving this particular pain over to Him. Wipe the tears and return back to my desk like nothing ever happened! Something only God and I can experience together.
The deep longings of wanting to belong and having healthy relationships burn so deeply within my soul it is amazing that all this gut-wrenching pain was stuffed all these years and denied that I am able to feel some of the agony now. No wonder we do not look forward to this part of the journey.
At the same time, God in His own gentle way, lets the Spirit flow through me with a peace that is hard to express and the assurance that things, in time will get better. Where I have begun to replace the old negative tapes with positive ones. Even though at this early stage of my Freedom Journey, it is very hard and I seem to always default to the negative side much much much more than the positive. I know I have many years of negative, painful, shameful thinking patterns, along with anger issues and play acting habits to break, so I need to keep that in mind.
I know forgiveness will eventually play a part in this whole scenerio of individuals who hurt me. Do I need to forgive myself in a different way also? I am just not too clear on this as I do not know how forgiveness feels, if in fact there is a "feeling." I always thought that I was in the wrong with most everything so there was really no need to forgive anyone, let alone myself.
Well, off to group........
What a hard thing it is - forgiveness. I am trying, too, to fogive others and myself. I think we'll get there.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to forgive some people who hurt my feelings so bad! Not until I had realized the depth of God's forgiveness of me, I was finally able to let go and forgive. It's not an easy process but it is when we accept God's grace in everything that we do. God bless JBR!
ReplyDeletePraising GOD for the peace only GOD can give.
ReplyDeletelove and prayers, andrea
I'm still on the forgiveness kick myself.
ReplyDeleteI believe there is a feeling when you forgive yourself for carrying blame and secrets when you didn't know any different. We are all so quick to assume blame as if somehow we can control the actions of others and failed miserably at defending ourselves against people older and much larger. I don't know what makes us think we could have fought them off or prevented emotional abuse.
Anyway, I'm done ranting, I'll sit down and shut up. I just hope you find your way, sometimes we are so busy looking for salvation that we can't see we are drenched in it. Forest for the trees sort of thing.
I think you are a wonderful person and like my T always gently reminds me, "This, too, shall pass."
Hugs.
We must let go, and let God. Praying for you sweetie.
ReplyDeleteIndeed things will get better JBR *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI must say - I imagine that it must be so hard to forgive and forget something as what you've been through. Don't force yourself to do that, because it will only aggravate the pain. Start by bearing in your mind that it is not your fault. And deliver the forgiveness to God. He most certainly understands what you can and you can't (yet) do. It will come with time, when the pain eases. Bless you, dear girl.
ReplyDeleteI find it harder to forgive myself than others. That is something that I constantly struggle with. Besides the fact that many times I don't need forgiveness, but I blame myself for things that are out of my control. Again...working on it!
ReplyDeleteIt can be so difficult to break away from the negative. We ourselves deserve so much: forgiveness, peace, joy, et cetera. Just because others may have found us unworthy does not mean they are right! My guess is that forgiveness is a feeling of serenity. Calmness and clarity that arrive when the past no longer has such a painful grip on us.
ReplyDeleteI ‘m sensing that your forgiveness question is getting more attention than your present pain.
ReplyDeleteYou are right--it WAS NOT your fault. But, I have found that forgiveness for myself is one of the hardest parts of healing. And I get the part of wanting to belong, too. Safe hugs, dear. (((((((((((((JBR)))))))))))
ReplyDeleteThere are so many reasons to forgive, but for me, a big one was growing up with a mother who wouldn't forgive her father for what he did to her and to her brothers. You can't live free with something that nasty deep in your soul. When she was seventy years old she said that she wanted to go to her father's grave and jump on it and scream, "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." And, as one of her children, I grew up thinking about how many days she wasted ticked off at a dead man. Set yourself free. Forgive.
ReplyDeletePart 2 of your intimate relationship with God through your pain. I commend you JBR.
ReplyDeleteTons of hugs, it wasnt our fault. NEVER. WE were children, innocent and in need of being hold safe and loved and not being abused. We had NO control over it. Be kind to yourself. Lots of love
ReplyDeleteforgiveness is hard. forgiving others and forgiving yourself.
ReplyDeleteJBR you're doing great despite your pain.
ReplyDeleteHello.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you write about how you find comfort through your talks with God. You continue to amaze me every day.
Thanks again for visiting me. Yes, I am blessed with wonderful sisters that love me just the way I am. We are very close.
♥Hope
I think you have to rest and trust in God right now. His plan is amazing for your entire healing process and in time you will look back and the path and realize just how far He carried you through it all.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by today! Hope you shared some laughs with me and I will be following you from here on out. I hope you join me as well.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
Absolutely nothing to forgive yourself for.
ReplyDeleteStrange how hard that is to acknowledge and accept, but think once that part of the journey is done, it will get easier.
After all these years, I still find that part the hardest part to deal with. Theres a voice that just won't go away, and the shame is just illogical. Thinking of you.
Love and hugs.
You're such an insightful blogger who knows how to get in touch with what your feeling at the moment. Your progress is moving right along.
ReplyDeleteWow - Though painful, I think it sounds like you're making some kind of break-through in dealing with that old wound. I hope God blesses you as you struggle through this.
ReplyDeletesomehow I didn't read this post until now, but just wanted to re-iterate what Ivory said, about carrying blame and not forgiving ourselves, for keeping other people's secrets, for failing to defend ourselves,e tc. I just went through some inner healing sessions and when my pastor asked me to pray a prayer of forgiveness for myself, it was a concept I never would have thought of but it helped release me from feeling responsible for things I was not responsible for in the least.
ReplyDeleteI pray that God shows you what you should forgive yourself for JBR, so that you see the full truth of yourself in that situation.