"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, July 16, 2009


You know these past few days have been the weirdest across the board for me. Even effecting my blog and how I write and form thoughts. Maybe I am being re-wired in my thought process, and trying to establish a deeper connection with my inner child?

I know it must be hard for some of us to get in touch with our inner child. I know the trauma that I experienced as a child set me apart and I was not allowed to express my feelings, so I buried them deep within.

I certainly understand that it is the inner child who feels the anger or in my case the rage, the grief, the hopelessness the shame and not my adult self.

I do realize this process will not get done in one sitting.

I guess the hardest thing for me to understand or do is to “soothe” my inner child during the pain. I gather, just by listening or feeling what I am experiencing at the moment and saying "I am proud of you" (don’t know about the “I love you” part yet) or "you are doing ok" is part of the process. Then again, not necessarily having words to go along with any particular moment either and 'just be' either with floods of tears, or screams of rage. I am sure validation has a lot to do with the connecting.

I am really not into stuffed animals (never owned a teddy bear to my knowledge), coloring books, hand games, always hated rocking, until recently I do find myself doing that now.

I think I need to ask myself “how old am I now” when I feel threaten by a particular trigger at a particular moment and see if I can pin-point a time why I was feeling this way.

I continue to get not only the waves of tears, but the waves of deep anguish and all I can do at those moments as it is so painful is just cry out to God to "take it."


  1. AnonymousJuly 16, 2009

    Not that experienced in the inner child area. I do belive we all have one and is apart of us. Some are hurt more than others. Hope you find your inner healing for your inner child.

  2. our inner child is always with us,it is how we nuture it and play with it that counts.Hugs my friend!

  3. The adult hurts too..move over hon, I can relate, to have trust betrayed is unbelievably painful in itself, I'm going through this now and I tell you hon, id I knew the answer to healing, I would be there..hugs.

  4. Praying for healing of all of you sweetie, love you.

  5. interesting post. I try to avoid looking in the rear view mirror of life but sometimes I'm so transfixed it really messes with my head. God Bless you!

  6. You express your feelings wonderfully. I pray that God heals every part of you, head to toe and uses everything bad that happened to bless the world in amazing ways. Keep on your path. Your life will soar.

  7. I certainly don't know what I'm talking about, so if I'm totally wrong please just discount what I write here. But I was thinking, over our lives there are times we aren't equipped to handle things. A child is in the most important and formative years of life. Maybe the adult in you can tell the child, "you didn't know, maybe you sensed something, but you just couldn't know how to handle things, and you shouldn't have had to know." Hug that child for me. God bless you JBR!

  8. You know I've lost my inner child. Hidden her deep below. You've just made me realise that. My inner child knows what happened to her. I don't. So I am too scared to let her surface.

  9. JBR this is a work in progress.

  10. My inner child got dropped on today. I wish I had the words "I'm proud of you" or something similar to help her... but I fear there is nothing right now.

  11. Jan PetersJuly 17, 2009

    Such an interesting blog!

    I find hugging myself wrapping my arms around me the best I can to comfort my inner child when going through a crisis always helps me. She is so very important and needs the love that she never experienced growing up.

    I will be back to visit.

    Jan Peters

  12. yes, give yourself time. after all, it's a load that's been with you for many years. i can't disappear in just a few moments...

  13. Try this...If you can relax your entire being deeply enough you will find the ability within you to "walk" back down the entire linear progression of your life. Starting at today moving back you will see every event of significance pass before your minds "eye" keep going until you hear the fetal heartbeat.

    It takes concerted effort to achieve this so don't do it if you are unwilling to continue to do it many times, each time going further back.

    Once you hear your own heart beating in the womb then slowly move forward and see yourself growing up. At the point where you see the growth has stopped, allow the adult you to take the child you by the hand and bring her forward to the present day. Let her know that it is now, not then, not the time of pain and trouble but a better day and time in life.

    When trauma happens to a child that is the point where the emotional growth of the child stops. Be the parent to that child within and help her move forward.

    Find your peace.

  14. JBR-maybe we just run to the "child-us" for comfort. And maybe, for a short time, that's enough. Take care. ~rick

  15. AnonymousJuly 17, 2009

    Though God brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
    Lamentations 3:32-33

  16. stuck-in-the-middleJuly 17, 2009

    JBR your doing wonderfully. I know it can be hard. I'm amazed where you once were to where you are now. Hang on!

  17. AnonymousJuly 17, 2009

    I'm not sure if this will help much, but last year in April, I went through a 4 day intensive for sexual addiction called Bethesda workshop. I recall one lecture where the instructor put 2 stuffed animals in chairs and she sat between them. On her left was a gorilla and on her right was a cute little teddy bear. All three were herself. The bear was her child, the wounded survivor who grew up without the nurturing and attention that every child needs to form normal emotions and thinking but didn't get it so learned to cope mostly by shutting down. The gorilla is the addict that is screaming and acting out to take what it wants and needs. In the middle is the grown up today who is responsible for the other 2. Her job now is to take care of the child and give the child what she didn't get and to shut the gorilla up. I may not be explaining this too well, but I took from it that it was my job to re-raise that child the right way.

  18. Continued prayers for healing and restoration. Andrea

  19. I once owned a teddy bear. He was taken from my older brother and given to me, then taken from me and given to my younger brother. My parents didn't understand attachment.

    My daughter gave me Booker (a teddy from Borders) 4 years ago. He is much loved and a great source of comfort to the littles who love him. I even took him on my very first plane ride, just in case he was needed. (Okay, I enjoy his company, too).

    Sometimes, just understanding all the parts of us is all they need, but other times, they need the freedom to be who they are, to have desires, emotions, and the comfort of who they are and of how old they are. It's a complicated journey, one of which is sometimes over analyzed - as my T has often stated: It is so purely what it is.

    Have a great day.

  20. AnonymousJuly 17, 2009


  21. (hugs), looks like lots of progress. Your self awareness is astounding.Keep at it and knwo that I think of you.

  22. There were times in my pain of discovering the truths about myself and my life when I wondered if it was worth it to have to experience it.

    I knew then as I do now that the answer is a resounding - YES!

    God bless you on your journey.

    FYI - I amended my 55 to include a "Duckling Award"


  23. This must be a very difficult time for you. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

  24. AnonymousJuly 17, 2009

    I can empathize with you.

    Faith Hoffen at hopetocope.blogpost.com

  25. Maybe inner child for boys are different don’t know. I know I still have a special place in my heart for toy cars. Brings the child out in me. :)

  26. Hopefully in time there may be one thing that will draw you to comfort. Don't rush the procedure. Go with what you're feeling as painful as it may be. You will survive.

  27. Hi JBR,
    I can just imagine how tough this is for you. Maybe you should spoil your inner child, go buy yourself a big teddy bear and hold it when you go to bed. I have 2 big teddies and when ever I am sad I sleep with one of them and I do not care how old I am :)

  28. Our inner child is always there, and unfortunately influences more aspects of our life than we would want to admit. Don't be afraid of the tears - I've found that they can be surprisingly therapeutic! I pray that you will find healing in this painful time.

  29. I've been experiencing some real anguish lately, too. ((((((((((((((Safe hugs))))))))) for us both. Hey, maybe we should do an "Inner Child" theme for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE some time. Would you be interested in hosting an edition?

  30. I love this post. You are there for her JBR, she knows.
    I love what you said "I cry out to God "Take It"

    Gosh, I just don't like doing anything but supporting my brothers and sisters here in the blogasphere. But... I do have an idea.
    Take that little JBR what ever age you want to be at, look at her, know what she looks like and walk with her hand in hand to the most peaceful place you can imagine. Then take her to visit Jesus with you. He will be there, I know that you know this, See it, Feel it, JBR.
    This is what is meant by "one by one" He will take us, comfort us, lift us one by one if we will but take the time and come unto HIM. He trod the wine press alone, so that none of us ever have to. He is always with us, I know this.

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