Usually I am pretty good in avoiding or preparing myself in advance for a possible major trigger dealing with the opposite sex of a stranger engaging in conversation and taking interest. Tonight I decided to hit the pool after work to relieve some stress. Other people were there, so I was not alone. All of a sudden from behind (you never approach someone from behind who has been sexually abused) a male’s voice said something to me. Cannot recall what he said as I was startled. I remember my response was, “You are thinking about someone else.” So he probably thought I was someone he knew. My first reaction was panic as I thought he was going to attack me. I have not had that feeling in quite a while. Because as I said, I usually can scope out an environment and avoid these situations to begin with. Unfortunately, this one got past my radar. He them mumbled something again, which was a “pick-up” line of some sorts. So I did what I do best, shut-down and moved away. Unfortunately, this occurrence cut my pool time short, as I was upset and wanted to leave.
I cannot tell you the sheer terror and ready to puke feeling I get when I feel threatened. To others this incident may seem trivial and innocent. For me, it is down right terrifying!! My life has been screwed up (no pun intended) major in this area as I could not carry on any kind of intimate relationship without fear of being sexually violated and taken advantage of due to being sexually molested as a child!
Really was not too sure if I should share this, but since I said this is my blog where I would journal about my every day struggles, pains, fears whatever..... I decided to post.
It is understandable . It will get different. As your power grows and the PTSD takes less of it away you will be able to be less and less terrified. It takes time to become strong. Victim training is a hard thing to redo. It will get better.
ReplyDeleteWhen you wrote ((((((((((((Donetta))))))))) It still has left me in the dark your meaning. Please the curiosity is bugging me would you care to expound. I know I can be a little thick. All those walls make it hard at times to see through the glass clearly. Do you recall what you meant?
Your reaction is so normal for someone with PTSD. Sexual abuse as a child leaves a lasting effect on the abused. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I do agree with Wanda's Wings' view. I do understand the pain you have gone through and I am glad that you are becoming stronger as the day goes by.
ReplyDeleteWish you have abundantly of joys, happiness, peace and grace.
Thank you girl...that is so sweet. I have been trying to figure it out and here it was just hugs. Silly me. Thanks
ReplyDelete((((((((((((back at ya))))))))))
Your reaction was normal sweetie, glad you shared. Big hugs and much love to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. We can better pray for you if we know your struggles. I do not like for people to come behind me either. Normally, I handle it okay now unless they actually touch me...then I go into melt down mode.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers, andrea
As someone who has battled PTSD strong fold the last couple of years, this is normal. I too have triggers. I can not go to fireworks. I used to love them. Now I can't stand them. I also don't like small spaces, at all. Found that out in the army when I was allowed to go in a tank and check it out. They closed the lid and that is all she wrote.
ReplyDeleteIn time, hopefully, this will pass. It doesn't always which is why you learn to modify the triggers. What you can't change, you manage. I for one, am glad you shared. It makes you seem more "normal" i dare say.
I'm sure that wasn't easy to share. While I feel terror and fear for other reasons and from other experiences, I can relate to that feeling of wanting to puke and feeling so tense inside. I hope you feel better now. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI was caught off guard today too, in a very different way. I totally understand your fear, though. Mine is the same. I'm glad you're safe, you're loved.
ReplyDeleteJBR- I'm never happy, land or sea, about being approached from behind. I try to give a little shout from several feet away before tapping on the shoulder or just being there. No one likes to be blindsided or surprised. ~rick
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that you ever go in a pool is pretty gutsy to begin with. I know what you're saying in that you are panicking, but someone coming up from behind nowadays would scare anyone.
ReplyDelete"To others this incident may seem trivial and innocent."
ReplyDeleteNot to any "others" I know. Not trivial, NOT innocent.
For me, it is down right terrifying!!
For me, to be atop a tall building is terrifying, but to a bridge worker, it means nothing. (I DO like to fly, though!)
I can't tell you how much this helps me to read. Everytime I enter into a situation where I don't know the males, I have this same reaction. If I am snuck up on, touched or sometimes even talked to by someone I don't know, I am panicked. Looking for anyway out.
ReplyDeleteI hate it, it keeps me from doing so many things. I can only hope that the PTSD will get better as time and healing goes on. I am praying for you... thank you for posting this.
These are your feelings. You have a right to them. Don't ever let anyone judge your feelings or tell you what you should or should not feel. I have Bipolar Disorder and with that a whole mess of experiences that have been not so good. I have triggers, too. I had a complete, and I mean complete, meltdown at work Saturday just because I am moving from one classroom to another. I know a lot of people thought I was being irrational, emotional, or just a complete...well, I'm sure you know the word after "complete." You're brave. Braver than you know.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear something you did to relax and make yourself feel better ended up being a frightening and difficult experience. I really relate to this. Had difficulty going to yoga so I didn't do it for years. Still have a problem with it and am always looking for classes.
ReplyDeleteNothing that can make you feel that way is trivial. Best wishes to you, JBR.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I applaud your effort to share what happened to you tonight and it is nothing you ever have to apologize for. It is a healing and learning process you are dealing with, and something that will take time to work out. Each person is different. No two people are the exact same so it's hard to expect when things will become easier for you.
ReplyDeleteFor now, ((HUGS)) are coming your way and again I thank you. For the many that stop by here that will be encouraged by your willingness to share what has happened to you and how the healing process is taking place for you. You are a light to others in those dark places.
Thank you for your candor and honesty!
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
JBR I’m so very sorry you were startled. Hope you’re doing okay now.
ReplyDeleteJBR, hope you are feeling better. I agree with all what has been said. There is a certain movements which is terrifying to me and unfortunately each time I see a doctor he has to eecute that movement. Each time I was terrified though it does get better. Tons of hugs.
ReplyDeleteWho wouldn't be startled if someone crept up from behind you? If someone did that with me at work, they'd be in big trouble, you know what I mean, you know where I work.
ReplyDeletePosting this I know was not easy but I'm glad you did, even just to vent out, hoping that doing so, your fear will lessen.
God bless you JBR! Be strong in the Lord's mighty power!-Ephesians 6:10.
Sorry what you had to go through before and the effects it still has upon you. Of course it's not trivia. No one shd have crept up from behind no matter what the circumstances- i would have assumed the same too- that he's up to no good.
ReplyDelete~Silver
i totally understand your reaction. triggers are powerful things and it take time and effort for them to loose that intense grip they have on you...
ReplyDeleteNot good! Sorry you were sppooked.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that this happened to you! I like you would have also panicked.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
If freedom from fear and oppression were an easy fight then we would all be doing it. It is only for the strong to undertake and I know you have strength. Kiddo just keep walking...just keep walking.
ReplyDeleteUnfair life is. sorry JBR that you felt threatened. Hope your doing better. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThis must be rough for you. I know God is our comfort and he'll see you through your pain. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteHoney your fear is terror is justifiable. I know that I myself fear running into my abuser and every little voice to me when I am out in public sounds like his. I do not go out alone unless it is to get a manicure but I feel safe in that environment. I always have my fiance' with me and that alone helps comfort me, but my fear is still very raw.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you lost important "you" time. Just try to remind yourself that you have power within yourself to overcome any fear. Once you begin your Courage to Heal study, the topic of Safety will be covered and this encounter can help you dig through all your feelings toward that.
Hugs to you my friend! I'll be praying for your strength and comfort today.
Your not alone in this fear! **** hugs****
ReplyDeleteThis is no trivial thing, JBR. I'm so sorry you felt this terror. I hope you're able to release this and come to a place of peace. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteYes, I can understand your fear response. It happens to me all the time! And *nodding my head* about never approaching CSA survivors from behind! OR! Touching us without asking first and having our approval.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel like I'm such a freak in this world...but then I realize that I'm not alone, and that a lot of my feelings are real, and shared by others...which does not make me a freak.
Thank you for sharing this...
~ Gracie
I'm glad you shared this. I'm so sorry you were there doing some healthy self-care and then this had to happen. Safe gentle hugs ((((((((((JBR)))))))))))
ReplyDeleteTotally understandable reaction! I hope you've managed to recover somewhat from this (but I know it takes time). Thinking of you!! Hugs, SC.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine. Here, have a hug.
ReplyDeleteNot something to enjoy I bet. Hope your doing better. God loves you.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm so sorry this happened to you. :(
ReplyDeleteReading your blog is like reading about myself such a short few years ago. I so feel for you and understand the pain and the fear.
ReplyDeleteKeep persevering and keep moving forward sweet one. You will find healing and hope.
Have you heard of a program called Celebrate Recovery?
Blessings,
Lindsey
I just read this one after the last post. I have to say it is good you are sharing it. They say in Al-anon we are as sick as our secrets.
ReplyDeleteI have no embarrassing saying I was sexually abused as a child. It cause such pain and havoc. I was a victim but not anymore.
Luckily I read very young; molestation is not real sex... so I never fear real intimacy in good situation. I actually think Sex is a Gift to be cherished.
But about being on guard against weirdos that say stupid pick up lines; you probably sense he was off-balanced and not a desirable man. Always trust in your instincts. He had no right coming in from behind. Not gentleman like...
Sometimes when I get scared I laugh now... because in al-anon we do laugh a lot. We have to.. because we all have so much in common ...
As a woman it is good to be careful and practicing self-protection I believe. I am blessed with all good people around me now. And great platonic guy friends that taught me to really love the MALE species too. (hope I meet the right man someday for real love too--and not enmeshment or codependencies as my other relationships used to be before al-anon.
hugs (sorry you had this incident)
hi jbr~ i think this is my first time to comment on your blog. i've read your blog from time to time and seen you comment on many blogs i read and i always appreciate the things you have to say. but i really feel moved to comment today because your recent experience feels so relevant to something i recently went through. i used to live in complete fear of all men. i've come a long way from that terror and sick feeling. but recently had something come up with someone i knew which catapulted me back into that state of mind of being terrified. it's been hard to deal with and get over. but after reading what you wrote, i feel more sane and validated. like i'm not the only one who feels this way. i want to thank you for being so brave to write and share about this. you helped this one person feel that much less alone, though i'm sure you help many people every day feel that way with your support and care. i hope you're feeling better now after this happened. that you are able to swim in peace and do the things you need to do to care for yourself~~ ~safe hug~
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