“As a survivor of child sexual abuse, you must grieve for the shattered image of a world that is just, where children are cared for, where people respect each other. You must mourn your lost innocence, your belief that it’s safe to trust. And sometimes, you must even grieve for a part of yourself that didn’t make it:
I went down to see the children inside me. The first one I noticed just sat on the curb in my abdomen. She’s sit there with her head in her hands, looking very sad, or she’d be jumping up and down, being manic. Then there was one in my heart who would sit in a room behind a door. She’d open the door and peek out, and then shut the door, ‘cause she got scared.’ Then there was the one who was dead. I’d been waiting for her to wake up. And one day I was lying in bed crying, and I said, “Okay, it’s time for you to wake up,” but she was dead. I sobbed and mourned that a part of me had died. The part of me that had really wanted to believe in the good of the family and the good of everyone just died.” (The Courage to Heal)
Personally, I can basically relate to all three. One a little more than the others, which is the little girl who hides behind the door and peeks out to see if it is safe to come out. That is the big one for me.
My little girl for now remains extremely scared to come out. Though, she does peek beyond the door a little more each time as she feels a little bit more safe talking about her past monsters.
Most of my life I have had the heavy cloud of sadness over me and even though the sexual abuse was bad enough, I believe the day I died inside was when all hope was lost with my parents ever getting back together.
Praying you will overcome...by the Lord's strength and might and those fears be thrown away for good! Have a great weekend JBR. God bless you and sending you [[hugs]]...
ReplyDeleteThank you rcubes. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI believe that God can, and will help you through your fears. We must go through our pain, in order to get over it. God loves you very much, and He will see you through all of this. I am so proud of the way you handle everything, I love you.
ReplyDeleteDenise your words are too kind. So much appreciate your posts. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteYour grace in handling the mess of your childhood amazes me. GOD will continue to heal and restore you and I am thankful for what HE has already done. Your honesty is a blessings to others and I know GOD will use you beyond your comprehension in the coming years to help others.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and prayers, andrea
Andrea, appreciate so much your words of support, thank you!
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteI think all children that become products of divorcing parents, lose a bit of faith and hope in God when their parents chose to end their marriage. I too, was a product, but for me it had a better outcome. Now my oldest became that same product but you learn through all things God brings you through that you can become a better person despite all those things that were set out to completely destroy.
It becomes part of our testimony and we can use that to reach others and bring healing to them and let them know the God who really saves and protects.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
Kat, thank you for sharing a part of your story. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI am a bit antcy today, so it has been a pleasure to respond to most of your comments as I normally am not on the puter this much.
JBR,I am greatful for your friendship.you are growing,I can see that.and maybe soon the little girl inside of you will be comming out to play with the rest of us as we play also.Hug and God's blessings.
ReplyDeleteAwww, Mike how very sweet, thank you!
ReplyDeleteI read this very same line last night. At the end of the chapter, it prompts with a writing idea to connect to your inner child. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job connecting as you are reading this. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteYour comments sound like you are working through these issues, trying to/starting to understand them, and moving toward acceptance, which is where freedom is found. I think that what kept my siblings and me sane and free was that we were all experiencing the same things (although we did have a variety of sexual predators; they changed with the child, but we all got our own). We knew that all 8 of us could not be crazy; therefore, our parents (who were physical and emotional abusers and not ready to hear about the sexual abuse going on) were the insane ones, as were those bad people who hurt us sexually. It helped us immensely to have someone to share our experiences with. It is good that you have a blogging communityto do the same.
ReplyDeleteI have found that while at the time it does not seem so and while it seems sometimes to take longer than we would like, God does eventually turn the bad things that happen to us into good, often for a large number of people, not just for ourselves. Trust Him; He will do that for you, too. I am certain of it. I have never seen Him let anyone down that way.
Elizabeth thank you for your encouraging words. You coming from a family of eight certainly had the support of one another in your times of crisis! That was wonderful to at least have that to fall back on!
ReplyDeleteYes, I do believe that God can and does make a better way.
Lisa Marie, Oh yeah, those writing exercises are certainly all part of the game. Thanks dear one for sharing!
Something that was very healing for me during my grieving for lost innocence was that I became a Big Sister for Big Brothers Big Sisters and taking the little girl out on innocent fun kid adventures and watching her smile and have fun right along with me (because I of course had to ride the carasel with her!) was just very healing. Sad, but healing.
ReplyDeleteYour words are truly appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI could use a little scripture this morning. I'm feeling down and anxious today as well.
Hugs,
Sue
Susan, sorry you are feeling down and anxious today. Do pray that your spirit is lifted. Thank you for the visit dear one.
ReplyDeleteYaYa, I know you have a very active lifestyle which keeps you busy! Thank you for sharing dear heart.
Your honesty is very touching. I think we all experience that sadness when our parents divorce. It shatters the world we thought would always be there. It still brings a tinge of sadness to me, and it's been 30 years. Keep on with your work, and God is doing the rest...I can see the growth. Hugs JBR
ReplyDeleteKay, I sympathize with you. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteJBR, thanks for your kind comment and for sharing with me that u like graveyards too. This kind of peace I do need right now, regaining a bit calm before, well, wuith all the happenings over the last few months I do feel a bit like in the eye of the hurricane....rest is given for the time being...
ReplyDeleteGrieving for my innocence was one of the hardest part of me. This part which had died, where there is no way to get that back - was just to terribly eot face and bear for a very long time. That part is gone forever however each timee.g. I dare trusting without fear, where I can give of myself without losing myself - that are moments regaining a tiny little bit of this lost innocence.
Hugs to you
Dear one, I hear your pain and I am so very sorry. ((((Paula))))
ReplyDelete((((((JBR))))))
ReplyDeleteGreiving, accepting my losses and the reality that my innocence,childhood and youth are gone and I can never recover thoes lost years was one of the major hurdles for me! I shed a tear every now and again.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty in expressing your greif!