"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!


***Possible Major Triggers***

“Children often believe that they are to blame for being sexually abused. Many adult survivors continue to hold this belief. Although large numbers of children and adolescents are abused, it is never the fault of any of them. Yet there are many reasons why survivors assume that blame.

Some survivors were told explicitly that it was their fault. Your father said, “You’re a bad, nasty, dirty girl. That’s why I’m doing this.” Your brother told you, “You really want this to happen. I know you do.” Your teacher said, “You’re such a sexy little girl. I just can’t help myself.”

Your religion might have told you that you were a sinner, unclean, damned to hell. You might have become convinced you were unlovable, even to God.

There are also less obvious reasons why survivors blame themselves. It is a stark and terrifying realization for a child to see how vulnerable and powerless she actually is. Thinking that you were bad, that you had some influence on how you were treated, gave a sense of control, though illusory.

In truth, nothing you did caused the abuse; nothing within your power could have stopped it. Your world was an unsafe place where the adults who abused you were untrustworthy and out of control, where your well-being, and sometimes your very life, was in danger.

Recognizing that you were not to blame means accepting the fact that the person who abused you-someone you might have loved and trusted-didn’t have your best interests at heart.” (The Courage to Heal)


I brought up the following concerns with my t. last week:

“What did my brother say to me to lure me into doing what he wanted?” I have no recollection of this. Was I so damn trustworthy of him, whatever he said or however he put it that I just said, “okay?” Did he threaten me, even though I do not recall this at all? I have never thought about his method of getting me to the woods. What was I actually thinking while we were walking side by side ½ a mile to the sandpit, or ending up in his darken bedroom?? Was I scared? Did I know what would happen? Did I want to do this? I can see some things fall into place, but no words.

The more I read this book and the more I talk about my abuse, the more I will believe that it was not my fault!

I do catch myself more now observing children who were at the age I was of the time of my abuse and how very small and carefree they are. No way in my own mind could I have conjured up at that age of innocence something that would devastate and change my life completely. Why would I do something like that to myself? Why is it so hard to accept it was not my fault? Extremely hard to grasp, but it is a truth that I need to accept!!

I do hope there is some encouragement in what I am saying to anyone.

I too need to hear these words over and over again until one day when I can actually "believe" that “IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.”

14 comments:

  1. I too believe some how my abuse was my fault. I still don't remember everything. So much of my childhood is lost without memories. Abuse steals so much form a child. Thank you so much for being so open with your abuse. You are strong and brave.

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  2. Your working very hard on your recovery. Im sure its hard. God is with you every step of hte way.

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  3. I so understand what Wanda is saying about lost memories. I really don't remember my childhood for the most part. I make a joke of it sometimes and say to others that I asked God to heal my childhood memories and so he did because I don't remember them. I remember maybe a handful of my childhood. But I think the one I still remember vividly is the day I fell asleep on my dad's chair while he was at work. He came home and found me in his spot, I woke up on the stairs. I had to go to work and explain why I had 2 black eyes. I still don't remember what happened in between falling asleep on the chair and waking up on the stairs next to the chair. That was not my fault either. Even if I knew being on my dad's chair was a big no no, still I didn't deserve being thrown across the room. Sigh

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  4. I tell myself the abuse was not my fault, but that little girl within does not always believe it. Hugs.

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  5. you said some right on things here. Not only have I blamed myself, I've hated that child, the child who couldn't open her mouth, who did whatever she was told and then took it out on herself. I look at my kids and cannot imagine them going through any of what I did. Sarah

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  6. Sweetie, you are so precious. Your abuse was not one tiny little bit your fault, please know that. You were the abused, not the abuser. I love you.

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  7. When I'm with my 2-1/2 y.o. granddaughter in public, I find that anyone who looks her way twice, causes me to pull her in closer to my side. I am a child lover and instinctly have always talked to children. It's so sad that my natural, loving interest must now be contained, withheld, and how I now look at others with suspect in my eyes.....There is simply no way that anyone brings abuse upon themselves in any form.

    May God bless you deeply and that His words of truth drown out and remove the lies of the enemy.

    "I love you with an everlasting love. You are my daughter and you are precious to me."....

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  8. The abuse I incurred from my father when I was just a toddler I had completely blocked out until quite recently (last January. However, the two times that I was raped, both at age 14, I had always blamed myself for. I didn't feel like a child at 14, although I was. I didn't think of myself as helpless, although I was. I didn't understand that I was allowed to say no because that was not what I learned at home. As soon as anyone approached me sexually, I just gave in, which I now understand is a direct affect of having been sexually abused at such a young age by my father. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I said no, I said I didn't want to, but I didn't do anything to stop it, or tell anyone about it afterwards because I sincerely thought it was just me, the bad seed, that caused all the bad things in my life.

    It's good to post this. It is good to know it was not my fault.

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  9. I am so glad you are slowly coming to this realization! Put all the guilt and shame where it belongs-on the shoulders of the abuser!

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  10. Without any doubt, JBR, it was not your fault.
    It makes my blood boil to see children being exploited and abused, and then blamed for it happening in the first place?
    Children are innocent, and should be carefree. They shouldn't have to deal with others taking advantage of their innocence, but sadly, this is a fallen world.
    The truth will sink in, JBR, it wasn't your fault.

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  11. I pray you start believeing it was not your fault!

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  12. JBR, it is NOT your fault. Mill of hugs. The time will come where you believe this. it will not only free you quite a bit for me it opened the gates releasing anger,rage and frustrations. Mostly I didnt even know I had these emotions inside.....

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  13. Abuse isn't the only thing that one needs to not blame themselves for. It can be domestic violance a death in the family etc. where unnecessary blame is put on. Good point though.

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  14. Blessings to you all, thank you!!

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