"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, September 13, 2009



Before you read the following, I want to once again forewarn those who may find this particular post very triggering, besides being very explicit it deals with sadomasochists.

Typing this entry was difficult for me even though I read it ahead of time, but once it is put on "paper" there is more of a realization to it.

Please take gentle care:

“Many survivors can feel sexually aroused or have orgasms only if sex incorporates some aspect of the abuse they experienced as children. One woman could climax only if she imagined her father’s face. One could come only if she was stimulated the same way her mother had touched her clitoris when she was a child. Others have orgasms only if they imagine being bounded or raped or if they fantasize being the abuser themselves. One survivor described masturbating while reading incest literature: “For weeks on end I compulsively read about incest-If I Should Die Before I Wake in one hand and my vibrator in the other.”

Most women feel ashamed to admit they have such feelings or fantasies. A fifty-six-year-old psychotherapist, who was tortured with enemas when she was a child, explains:

I felt grossed out by my own sexuality. At times I’ve felt that my sexuality was grotesque and that it was sick and that it would land me in the hospital. When other people bring up the grosser details of their sexual abuse, I’m fascinated. Everything else just pales and I go right straight to it like a starving dog.

I have tremendous sadomasochistic fantasies which are just beginning to come out after seven and a half years of therapy. That’s because of the intense shame. I have hospital fantasies, concentration camp fantasies, slicing people’s bodies up fantasies. So naturally I had to keep my sexuality, my life energy, bottled up, because I felt so ashamed and terrified of where that stuff would take me.

When the fantasies first came up in therapy, I experienced a lot of destructive rage at myself. I wanted to kill myself. I was so horrified that those were the things that turned me on. I just wonder if that isn’t really the hard core, the pivot of this whole thing-the shame and horror and utter self -despair about being turned on by terribly abusive, sadistic situations.

If you share this woman’s experience, you are not to blame. You did not create these fantasies out of nothing. They were forced on you just as intrusively as those hands, penises, or leers were forced on you during the original abuse.

The context in which we first experience sex affects us deeply. Often there is a kind of imprinting in which all the things that are going on at the same time become woven together. So if you experienced violation, humiliation, and fear at the same time as you experienced arousal and pleasurable genital feelings, these elements twisted together, leaving you with emotional and physical legacies that link pleasure with pain, love with humiliation desire with an imbalance of power. Shame, secrecy, danger, and the forbidden feel thrilling.” (The Courage to Heal)

In the next entry, from the book, I will share the possibility of reversing these fantasies/acting out however difficult it may be.


  1. It is so good that you are explaining all this..

    This is so SAD.. and not the Victim's fault.

    So sad. I'm so glad I did not experience any of this stuff.. (maybe because I was only abuse once and he was so drunk.. ??) that it was not severe as other stories..??

    The poor people in these stories.. You are doing such a good service. I don't get depressed reading your posts; I feel you are enlightening others to see they have a reason for what they are feeling.

    I'm sending gigantic hugs to all that were hug..

  2. You posting these, make us see that world we are not aware of. To feel the fears and pain is another story. But it helps us to understand what the victims are going through. I pray God will heal all these deep wounds and His love replace those fears. God bless.

  3. I read this book. Thank you for bringing it to the foreground. Issues such as these are embarrassing, but need to be shared so others will understand.

    Hugs sent your way.

    Blessings my blogger friend.

  4. I too appreciate you posting this, more than I can say. I have been completely celibate for the past 10 years because it is not possible for me to have a normal relationship. Not only does my borderline personality disorder cause me to become possessive and clingy but I tend only to be able to become aroused by pornography rather than thoughts of normal sex. It does not matter if the pornography is heterosexual or homosexual, so long as there is an element of humiliation involved. I identify myself as heterosexual. I am not sexually attracted to women. But I can be aroused by pornography that involves women in homosexual acts. This has always been a source of shame for me. I am not one of those people that thinks homosexuality is "bad" or "wrong," only that it makes no sense that if I am not attracted to women in my everyday life, I can be aroused by pornography that involves lesbian acts. I do not actually want to participate in orgies but the only way I can be aroused is by imagining doing so.
    This combined with my borderline personality disorder makes having a healthy relationship impossible.
    Thank you again.

  5. WOW! This blog is about places I've never been...and never want to be. Holy crap. Is this really for REAL?

  6. :"( I'll have nightmares about this tonight, but I'm glad I read it. I can't cum unless I think about an older male abusing a little girl. That I can't remember the earliest abuses committed against me only makes this that much more horrifying for me. I can feel the memories wanting to surface, the darkness coming up over my eyes as my boyfriend has sex with me, but I can't get to it. Nor, often, can I cum. It makes me feel like such a freak. But reading this and similar posts, like Lily Strange's follow up, are incredibly cathartic and immensely soothing.

    Thank you for putting this up.

  7. I still have not told my therapist all of my dark secrets. Two and a half years... I mentioned once that I am sickened by the "ugly" things that trigger arousal, but thankfully she did not ask what those were and I did not venture to explain. I see, by what's here, that I am not on the really far end of the spectrum, anyway, so I take some comfort in that. Humiliation... incest...
    I can't say anything more than that. It is still too shameful for me.

  8. All I can say is - I can empathize with some of that very much.

  9. This also causes great shame for me. My abuse was severe and what it did to me is unspeakable. My own dark secrets have not fully come out in therapy yet due to shame. Thank you for sharing this painful, but enlightening post/

  10. All I can express is Wow and sadness to think this is out there!

  11. In the darkness when all I could do was masterbate and think of my brothers face I called out to Jesus, it wasn't a prayer it was a terrified, o my god i'm gonna kill myself scream...but he came. Jesus came and comforted me. After that I was able to share all my secrets with my husband...honesty every day with another human being helps alot and jesus rescues me in my darkest moments. don't give up!

  12. Must admit I was taken aback reading your post in disbelief. Then realizing this is probably true. I'm so sorry for individuals who suffer so. May God's peace sustain all. God Bless.

  13. stuck-in-the-middleSeptember 14, 2009

    This post is amazing. I'm still amazed at your bravery is sharing JBR. Hang in there.

  14. Wow, JBR! Thanks, not only for your courage to heal, but also your courage to bring up the real--and really difficult--survivor issues.

    You know, I probably need to go back and review that book. When I first started workig with it years ago, I was still in a lot of denial. I remember so well reading the account of one of the survivors who used to go up into the ceiling light and look down on herself while being abused in the bed. I thought, at the time, "Now, THAT'S crazy! I never did anything like that!" Oh, just how strong the denial can be, eh? Now that I know how severe my dissociative disorder is, I can think of many instances when I dissociated in similar (and many unique and different) ways.

    I don't even remember this materal you mention at all. I probably steered way clear of it out of fear and shame.

    My computer's giving me fits again so I may not get a new blog post up for a while, but I wanted to get around to comment at blogs while I can. I'm sure glad I stopped by here. You rock!

  15. I feel such shame while reading your post. Im in counselling now going on three years for being sexually abused by family members. Two failed marriages. Reading the post here explains quite a bit to why my marriages failed. Interested to see the help guidelines in your next post.

  16. God bless you JBR in all that you explore and discover. May He keep His loving and protective arms around you always.


  17. GOd Bless you
    Please come and be an active part of my community blog at Lurkynat
    p.s. so glad you have so much courage!

  18. May this help us to have compassion upon those that are hurting.