"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, September 17, 2009


“Many survivors are afraid that if they open up their feelings, they’ll suddenly go out of control:

I was terrified of my anger. I knew that if I didn’t laugh about what had happened to me, I’d go stark raving mad and kill everybody who was in my way.”

Although you may indeed be angry or very sad for a long time, those feelings don’t have to be overwhelming.

As I’ve allowed myself to feel a little at a time, I learned that the valve to feelings was neither totally open nor totally shut–totally overwhelming or totally suppressed. I could feel bad without wanting to kill myself. I could be scared without being terrified. There was a whole range of gradations. Once I stopped trying to rein my emotions in, I had more control than I thought.

When you’ve repressed feelings for a long time, it’s natural to be wary. But having strong feelings doesn’t mean that you’ll be unable to control yourself. Deep sobbing or pounding pillows furiously does not mean you’ve gone crazy. In fact, actively expressing intense feelings in a safe, structured way makes it less likely that you’ll explode. Very few murderers kill their victims after coming out of a pillow pounding session with their counselor or support group.” (The Courage to Heal)


I too have been afraid I would go out of control if I “felt.” My rage that would come out of no where would frighten me. The dents in my walls from throwing objects, the numerous sunglasses I went through while driving and throwing them against the inside of the car window during an outburst of anger that another driver would trigger in me. I could go on. I know I was feeling something at the time of my outbursts. Even if it was inappropriate rage, I was still feeling something. However, I do fight the feelings many times, as I am afraid to still come face to face with the abuse right now.

I am more in a 'realization' mode these days. A step forward in my progress where I recognize some of the things I do and especially think that are just irrational. Times like these I try and take myself aside or find a hide-away and try and breathe and relax and talk and calm myself and try and reason some things out. Not always successful, as I get very antcy and boom I am off again. But, still this is something I never have done before, so I am giving myself credit for even stopping and attempting to be gentle with myself.

So, when I do get a fit of rage I keep reminding myself that it is okay! Part of the process. And is something that I must recognize has to happen for my healing.

And the biggest thing is find the courage "to let it happen."


  1. Is that something like "Let go, let God".....all for it!

  2. Yepp, let go and let it happen. I remember I used tomade the best bread available during these times of rage and anger. I used my dough as punchingball and worked the dough very hard.
    JBR, since I read your blog first you have made so much progress. You can be so very proud of you.

  3. stuck-in-the-middleSeptember 17, 2009

    Sounds like progress to me JBR. Hang in there!

  4. I've had many of pounding sessions. Broke a couple of bones in my hand against a wall. Learned quickly to use something softer. Good to get the rage out. God Bless!

  5. Once we allow feelings to come into our lives, things get scary and I fear I will lose control. This post reminds me of that. I agree with Steve, it's just like "letting go and letting God" take over our journey and recovery. Hope you are smiling today. Hugs!!

  6. And I'm glad you are recognizing that "realization" at this point in time. Courage? You have shown that many times...Blessings to you JBR!

  7. Repressed anger does things to people. Pretending to be happy will be a double blow to your emotions creating much conflict within yourself. So just let go, be sad when you are sad. Don't let anyone tell you its nothing, only you know when the sadness has become 'nothingness' and joy will re-enter your life again.

    However don't dwell on it too long. Let God take the rein for a while. Sometimes I forget, and it will take me a while before I remember to seek HIM. It does get easier!

    Blessings JBR!

  8. You are the definition of courage sweetie.

  9. It is wonderful that you are taking ANY step toward healing. Even the teeniest steps are steps in the right direction. The past few days I've gotten tired of "feeling". I just want to stop feeling. I'm tired of feeling. Anything. But God is not letting me surrender to that. He is my rock and it is safe to feel my feelings with Him.

  10. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction. This is a good thing :) Baby step by baby step.

  11. You also have to realize that God has blessed us with emotions for just that very reason. We aren't meant to hold things inside. We are meant to let them out and deal with them one by one.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  12. Letting go of my emotions is very difficult for me. I am afraid to get angry and remain very detached form the emotion of my abuse. I really need to learn to "let go and let God".