I can certainly identify with the following:
“Many survivors run into particular problems with intimacy when they are romantically or sexually involved. Physical closeness may be threatening or confusing to you. You may not know how to give or receive nurturing. You may sabotage relationships or repeatedly find yourself in relationships where your basic needs are not being met.
These may seem like insurmountable problems, but it is possible to teach yourself the necessary skills to have real love in your life. The capacity for intimacy lives inside you. As a child, you started out with a healthy desire to trust and to be close, but it was stolen from you.
Healing is the process of getting it back.” (The Courage to Heal)
I do know I sabotaged a few relationships in my life. Leaving the guys shaking their heads wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I too wondered. I even turned down two marriage proposals. (Usually happened around the third or fourth date. A healthy dose of testosterone I believe was the culprit for these guys) At least I had some sense I was not “marriage material.” There was no way I was ready to commit to anything or anyone. I did not know how to. Nothing felt comfortable. I was not comfortable. Intimacy was not comfortable. I was just going through the motions. No all gooey feelings, no excitement, just fear. Usually after the third or fourth date, I would bolt without an explanation. Did not return phone calls or answer the door in hopes the guy would get the message “I was not interested.” They finally did. Then I blamed myself that I was a failure and there was someting substantially wrong with me!
I can certainly relate to both the book and to you. I feel like a complete moron when it comes to relationships and intimacy is something I have never really understood.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it is progress that I at least know that I have never had a truly intimate relationship because I don't think I recognized the lack of intimacy until quite recently. I have been married for 25 years and have known my husband for 32... but here I am, 50 years old, and I am only beginning to understand what it is to let someone in.
I can relate to this topic well. In fact, for weeks, I've been trying to get up the courage to post about my own problems with "intimacy" but have not yet been able too. I have been married for nearly 15 years. And I can still say that I have no idea what "intimacy" really means. I love my husband, he loves me, we share 2 childen together - but as for "emotional" sharing and support...I don't do that. I don't know how.
ReplyDeleteHealthy intimacy? What is that? Guess I need the book, but seriously, it is a subject that I have recently found myself looking at for the first time in my life. I always thought intimacy was keeping secrets or being all mushy, but it is so much more than that, it is having the courage to communicate my needs and wants, something I have never been able to do in a normal tone of voice.
ReplyDeleteWhen you've been a drug addict intimacy is hard to come by. Your thinking only about yuour next score. I guess I was very intimate with my drugs until God set me free!
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteI think it was a great thing that you turned down the marriage proposals because you still had much healing to do. Once you come to understand just how to process your feelings and your emotions and deal with everything in your past, I am confident that God has a very special person waiting just for you.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
Appreciate all your comments and being transparent!
ReplyDeleteInteresting post yet so true as I know of a co-worker whose shared about this very topic.
ReplyDeleteGod has the right man for you sweetie, in time. I love your genuine heart.
ReplyDeleteCourage is simply taking life one step at a time and growing in awareness with each step. You understand more of why you "quit" those relationships today than you did yesterday. There is growth and where there is growth there is life.
ReplyDeleteBe Well
I so much can relate and I am glad that most of this lays behind me now. But for so many years I struggled and felt like a failure. Hugs.
ReplyDelete"to know and to love yourself is the begin of a life long romance" Oscar Wilde
you did well. you knew it couldn't work, since YOU weren't 'working'... but you will be, in time, that i do know.
ReplyDeleteJBR your such a woman of strength whether you believe it or not you are.
ReplyDeleteDe ja vu'! I think I blogged about this issue not very long ago myself. It is so difficult for me to actually accept that someone else cares for me, let alone loves me, without thinking that they are up too no good in the back of my mind. I have a hard time accepting positive affection or compliments from my fiance. And I've known him for 13 years and he is very supportive and sensitive to my recovery. We just have to take it day by day and work within "our" comfort zone. The hard thing for me is learning that it's okay to have joy and love in your life.
ReplyDeleteIntimacy has been a hard lesson for me. After a failed marriage, I've discovered there was much more to discover in antoher person then the obvious. Good post. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteweve read this book it was good for us
ReplyDeleteI am hoping for this very soon. It seems we have lived without it for so long.
ReplyDeleteI've read several of your posts and must say that I love your blog. The concept of being real is one near and dear to my heart. You are already a follower of Glass House Ministries, so you know that transparency is of great importance to me. Intimacy is an ongoing struggle for me, sometimes more than others, in my marriage. God is bringing me to victory. Thank you for sharing your heart. Hugs, Cheri
ReplyDelete